Alternate title: How Not to Pick Up Chicks.
Douche, n.: a male species of human, indigenous to various regions, often found near adult nectar watering holes. The douche is known for demonstrating virility through truly heinous methods and enjoys condescending to women as a way to force their submission.
The story is this: some d-bag named Dimitri calls the object of his obsession affection, elegant Olga, after a brief, two-minute encounter in a San Francisco bar. Olga gives Dimitri her business card, he calls, she fails to return his call in a timely manner, hilarity ensues. Audio above.
Dimitri describes himself as "a real catch" and says things like:
"You’re an extremely elegant woman. I
couldn’t take my eyes off you, and your friends were very jealous, even
if they say they weren’t…"
"I’m Greek and I’m extremely particular about what I like. So I’m giving you an opportunity here. "
He scolds her during his second call and says that he will only forgive her for not calling him if she had a major emergency but if she’s sick or a head case then he’s lost interest. He actually gives her a Wednesday, 3 p.m. deadline for calling him back and brags that he doesn’t like timid women.
Just, OHMYGAWD. This call reminds me of a guy I went out with once, the one and only blind date I ever went on. The jerk was so condescending that I excused myself during dinner, crouched in a bathroom stall and called a friend to pick me up at the restaurant where we were dining. I snuck out through the kitchen and never returned. The date only called my gigantic late 90s cell phone once and left me a message which stated that he did not take me to a nice restaurant to sit at the table while I was in the bathroom.
(Feel free to share a story in the comments of the biggest douche you ever dated/encountered/etc.)
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About Danielle Vintschger
