Dear Anne Hathaway,
Yes. I, Donald Trump, am aware you didn’t actually write a question to this, The Greatest Relationship Advice Column In The History Of The World By Donald Trump, but I, Donald Trump, am going to offer you some advice anyway. And if you want to be the next Apprentice, or get married before you turn into a dried-up old hag of 27, or be successful in life on any level, you will listen to every goddamn word I, Donald Trump, have to say.
You (*dramatic cobra hand gesture*) are disloyal. So your boyfriend gets arrested for a couple minor felonies or something, and you break up with him! Some people might think that you already gave him more than a fair benefit of a doubt by staying with him as long as you did, but I, Donald Trump, know better. You liked him enough when he had plenty of money, but after that, not as good, right? (And you can quote me on that one, Access Hollywood.)
Loyalty, Anne. It’s something I value very highly here at Donald Trump World Headquarters of Awesome. It’s something you are clearly lacking. You’re fired.
P.S. Tell your boyfriend that it’s his turn to bring refreshments to the next Trump Tower tenants association meeting, and that per addendum four of his lease, prison is no excuse for not supplying the donuts. Trust me, we get that one all the time around here.