So you may have been operating under the comfortable assumption that Thomas Kinkade – who is now officially America’s most collected living artist, god help us all — and his cheesetastic awfulness were neatly confined to the static world of painting. A fair presumption, but sadly you are faaaaar too optimistic, my friend. Indeed, it pains me to report that the "Painter of Light" [insert hideous retching sounds here] is no longer content to keep his trademark cornball snowy gingerbread house at dusk aesthetic in its place, where it can only hurt those shallow and insipid enough to consider Precious Moments figurines "art." Now Kinkade has moved into the realm of feature film, and yes, those were my screams of torment and anguish that you just heard.
LOOK UPON HIS WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR:
Goddamn if that doesn’t look fucking inspirational as shit, right? I mean golly, it makes me want to go call my mom, snuggle some puppies, knit an afghan, and write a rhyming poem about the triumph of the human spirit. Oh, and buy some crappy-ass paintings.
But all of this is sort of beside the point, honestly.
Because the best thing about all of this isn’t the actual movie (and when I say "movie" I should clarify that this piece of celluloid FAIL was dumped into the direct-to-DVD scrap heap this week). No, rather it’s the manifesto-like list of 16 “guidelines” on how to
create “The Thomas Kinkade Look” that Kinkade distributed to the movie’s crew, most of which seem to indicate that he would’ve liked the finished product to look as though it had been filmed by candlelight in a hobbit’s cottage through a lens coated with vaseline. A few choice cringe-inducing excerpts:
1) Dodge corners or create darkening towards edge of image for "cozy"
look. This may only apply to still imagery, but is useful where
applicable.5) Overall concept of light. Each scene should feature dramatic sources
of soft light. Dappled light patches are always a positive, glowing
windows, lightposts, and other romantic lighting touches will
accentuate the overall effect of the theme of light.8) Atmospheric effects. Whenever possible utilize sunset, sunrise,
rainy days, mistiness — any transitory effect of nature that bespeaks
luminous coloration or a sense of softness.14) The concept of beauty. I get rid of the "ugly parts" in my
paintings. It would be nice to utilize this concept as much as
possible. Favor shots that feature older buildings, ramshackle,
careworn structures and vehicles, and a general sense of homespun
simplicity and reliance on beautiful settings.16) Most important concept of all — THE CONCEPT OF LOVE. Perhaps we
could make large posters that simply say "Love this movie" and post
them about. I pour a lot of love into each painting, and sense that our
crew has a genuine affection for this project. This starts with Michael
Campus as a Director who feels great love towards this project, and
should filter down through the ranks. Remember: "Every scene is the
best scene."
Full memo here, for those of you with the stomach for it.
Hey… wait, I have a great idea! How about we bring a real sense of warmth and fellowship to this film by gathering together at sunset — bundled in the soft down of our winter coats, with snowbells softly ringing in the distance — and in a spirit of togetherness and unity burn every copy of this piece of shit excuse for a movie in existence in a great big COZY bonfire! Think of the potential for dappled light effects!
About Jen O.
