Dear Rihanna,
Yes. I, Donald Trump, am aware you didn’t actually write a question to
this, The Greatest Relationship Advice Column In The History Of The
World By Donald Trump, but I, Donald Trump, am going to offer you some
advice anyway. Much like I, Donald Trump, did for Anne Hathaway. And she was nominated for an Oscar! She didn’t win. Probably because she didn’t take my advice.
Rihanna, you (*dramatic cobra hand gesture*) are a loser. At
least you are if you truly have gone back to Chris Brown, which I think
I read somewhere that you have, probably The Wall Street Journal. I
read that a lot. Because I, Donald Trump, am successful and need a
reputable source to know if I’ve declared bankruptcy again.
But this is not about me, Donald Trump. This is about you, and you
going back to Chris Brown, which makes you a loser and not deserving of
any future success. (And you can quote me on that, Inside Edition.)
I decree it to be so, because if there’s anyone who truly understands
the dynamics of domestic abuse and the psyche of a battered woman, it
is I, Donald Trump. I’ve done it all! I’ve opened the most glamorous
casinos and hotels in the world, created the most delicious ice cream
in the entire goddamn universe, distilled award-winning vodka and I did
all of this without ever letting a boyfriend punch me. Because I am not
a loser! I just watch a lot of Lifetime.
Non-loserness, Rihanna. It’s something I value very highly here at the
Trump World Headquarters of Awesome. I know you didn’t ask me, and
frankly I’m not really sure why Inside Edition is asking me, but they
did and therefore I’m sorry to say that you? Are fired.
Sincerely,
DONALD TRUMP!
About Amy Corbett Storch
