Last week on Glee, Kristin Chenoweth blew the roof off McKinley and made all these kids look like amateurs, so this week's "What You Missed On Glee" has nothing to do with her whatsoever. Probably fair; it wasn't a plot-driving episode except for the fact that Rachel's back in the glee club and everyone knows Quinn is pregnant now, though they all still think Finn's the daddy, when really it's Puck. Oh, and that there is unmistakable chemistry between Will and Emma, even though Emma's dating the ethnically ambiguous Ken Tenaka and Will's married with a bun in the oven that's actually an Ace bandage and some cotton batting.
This week brings us performance enhancing drugs, song mashups, a Mexican standoff over Will, and—OMG you guys—Sue's DIARY. A lot happened this week, so grab a snack and settle in for a bumpy recap.
The episode opens up on glee rehearsal, and the kids are sloppy. They're SLOPPY BABIES! as Sue would say. Quinn and Finn, in addition to rhyming in a way so obnoxious that its certain they aren't meant to be together, are actually falling asleep on their feet. Mr Shue whines that they have sectionals in a couple weeks, but before he can get his whole half-baked motivational speech out of the way, Mercedes blows off sectionals as a piece of cake and the rest of the kids yawn in agreement. Kurt's watching YouTube on his iPhone.
In the teacher's lounge, Will sits with Emma, who is wearing a yellow blouse with a big yellow bow and it's the first not-cute look I've seen on her. It also matches the splotch of mustard on Will's chin while he complains about how complacent the kids have gotten over sectionals. Will tries to remove the mustard with his tongue and Emma reaches over and wipes it off with one of her little plastic-gloved hands and then they have TOTAL eye sex, you guys. Emma decides to get back to the conversation, about how the kids don't care anymore.
Apparently last week, Will got the list of the schools they're competing against in sectionals, and they include a reform school and a school for the deaf. Will meant for the kids to be excited about how close regionals are to their grasp, but instead the kids are celebrating not having to work for it. "Th-th-th-this is great!" T-T-T-Tina sputters. Flashing back to the lunch room, Will says he needs to find something to get them motivated again before they start resting on their laurels. Emma starts talking about a sticker board, like the one she used for chores, when Sue mercifully interrupts. Despite her attempts to ignore "the treacly sweet inanity of [their] asinine conversation, now [she's] got bile in [her] mouth, and will hold [her] tongue no longer." She says she kicks a Cheerio off the team every week to keep them on their toes. Children need to be terrified for their bones to grow properly, she asserts, then peaces out after telling Emma her blouse is insane, which it totally is. If I'd been thinking ahead, this episode would have had a drinking game, wherein someone wearing a giant bow would warrant a shot.
Emma can't believe Sue is allowed to teach at the school, but Will thinks she may have a point. COMPETITION. In the practice room, Will pins up pictures of Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich, a shark and a bear, and… lightning and an above-ground swimming pool? Apparently these are all pairs in competition with each other. It's a good thing Will isn't an English teacher, because his grasp of analogy is a little shaky, as Kurt points out. Will tells him to go with it, then splits the room into guys versus girls. Kurt immediately breaks to the girls' side until Will makes him scoot back over to the right, which he does. VERY reluctantly. Rachel is wearing a big yellow, plaid bow. DRINK!
Will tells the kids they will do a battle of the sexes mash-up contest. Puck asks what a mash-up is, and Will explains that a mash-up is a mashing together of two songs to make richer explosion of musical expression. Will wants the whole banana—costumes, choreography, energy—and the winning team chooses what they perform at sectionals. Rachel insists that Will's gender makes him an unfair judge and so I guess she wants someone gender neutral to judge. Where's Pat when you need him/her/hir? Will says he'll be bringing in a celebrity judge, but then the celebrity judge is Emma, which is kind of a let down, frankly. Mercedes says they have this in the bag, and Rachel says she's going to start storyboarding their choreography that very night. Artie tells Mr. Shue not to worry about the guys, as they are planning on smacking those girls down like the hand of God. Finn, on the other hand, looks to be headed for a nap, but Puck reminds him they have football practice.
In her office, Sue writes in her journal. She’s feeling listless today, after she broke her juicer trying to make a protein shake out of beef bones. But now, it’s those glee kids, making her Cheerios falter during practice. If the Cheerios don't win Nationals, Sue will lose her endorsement and never be able to buy her Hovercraft. But every times she tries to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth breathers they only come back stronger like a sexually ambiguous horror movie villain. Here she is ALMOST THIRTY and about to have all that she's worked for threatened by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Seriously, how much fun do you think it is writing Sue's character? Ryan Murphy, call me! Anyway, Sue knows what she's gotta do, because it's certainly not her. It's Will Shuester, and she's gotta take that store-bought home perm and arrogant smirk down like a clown in Chinatown. But how to do it?
By confronting Teri about the sexual tension between Will and Emma. She tells Teri that Will is hiding his kielbasa in someone else's Hickory Farms gift basket. Teri asks who, and Sue tells her it's that man-eating, brooch-wearing guidance counselor. As Teri pours Sue more tea, Sue says she's seen this happen so many times: the wife packs on a few pounds — "I'm pregnant," Teri protests. Sue informs he it's no excuse, and that the desire to procreate is a sign of deep personal weakness, one for which she personally has neither the time nor the uterus. Teri asks if Sue's sure about all this, and she says if it isn't a full-blown affair, it's certainly heading in that direction. And, you know, she's totally right. I can't even tell you the number of times I've hopped into bed with someone after they wiped condiments off my face.
Sue suggests they move out of the district before Teri loses her husband to a "mentally ill ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby." And then I laughed so hard my spleen fell out. Teri's still not sure, so Sue tells her to come see for herself. The school has an opening for a school nurse, thanks to an unfortunate incident where in Mrs. Lancaster "fell" down the stairs. Teri points out that she's not a nurse, but Sue is confident, if she could get an illegal passport and run for office twice, Teri can find a way into that nursing position.
Teri interviews with Principal Figgins and she "gets creative" as Sue suggested by telling him that she had first aid training at Sheets and Things and even used a defibrilator once. Obviously she gets the job, but I think if anything, she only got it because Figgins saw an opportunity to hire a replacement with pay commensurate to absolutely no experience whatsoever.
In the faculty lounge, Will tells Emma about how he got the kids inspired into a little healthy competition and tells her she's the celebrity judge, because she's the most honest and impartial person he knows. Teri walks in and immediately notices the love in Will's eyes, then says what a surprise it is to find him here…at work. She introduces herself to Emma as Will's pregnant wife, then licks her finger and wipes lipstick off Emma's coffee cup, which I'm sure will require a good half-hour in the bathroom for our OCD little pixie. He remarks that Teri never comes to visit for lunch, and she tells him she'll be there a lot more now that she's the school nurse. When he points out her dearth of nursing skills she scoffs. "Oh please Will. It's a public school."
At football practice, Ken Tenaka is telling the kids to know their routes and Finn is finding it hard to keep his eyes open. He VOs that he's losing it. Between football and glee and school and being popular, he's completely overstretched. Despite being Quinn Fabray's baby-daddy, he's constantly thinking about Rachel who, while scary in a Swimfan kind of way, is talented and hot—if you're not into boobs.
0160;Cutting out homework has helped some, but he's not even able to muster the energy to care about wiping out on Level 2 of Halo, so you know it's bad.
At a special men's only glee practice, Finn is drooling in his sleep. Artie reveals that they're doing a mashup of "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi and "Confessions" by Usher. Puck suggests they get some trash can lids and stomp the yard up in this piece, and Artie says that with all due respect, Puck is more helpful when he doesn't contribute. Finn nods out again and Puck sends him to the nurse for a nap.
In the girls practice, Santana practices putting on eyeliner and Brittany practices getting her leg over her head when Rachel comes in trying to rally her troops into action. She asks where Quinn is and Brittany snarks that she’s probably at the mall looking for pants with elastic waistbands. Everyone but Rachel finds this funny, and she reminds them they can't get complacent. Mercedes tells her to chill—she already picked out their songs: "Halo" by Beyoncé and "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves. Rachel reminds her it was Rachel herself who picked out the songs and Mercedes doesn't seem to think that's important. The point is, they're gonna stomp the yard with those boys, and since they could do so in their sleep, they should just wing it. Mercedes takes a vote and everyone but Rachel is okay with doing just that.
In the nurse's office, Finn recognizes Teri as Will's wife, and she remembers that he's the one who supposedly knocked up her baby incubator. She remarks on his wonderful bone structure, and Finn tells her he's been really tired lately and needs to lie down. Instead Teri makes him sit down for an intake. She asks about his sleep habits, and Finn says he usually goes to bed when Skinimax starts playing regular movies again. but lately he can't get his brain to shut off so he can fall asleep. She asks what he thinks about and offers him confidentiality, and he basically says, football plays, girls, dance steps and girls. Teri reminds him he has a girlfriend and should only be thinking about girl, singular, and he asks if it's possible to be into two girls at once. "No. And remember, flirting is cheating. And the revenge of the jilted woman is usually pretty messy." Finn blearily looks longingly at the cot behind him as Teri asks if he wants to sleep through his life, because when she was his age, she was captain of the cheer squad, had a 4.0, was the most popular girl in school, and maintained a relationship with the boy who would become her husband. She then wonders how she did it all and then a light bulb comes on. Oh, I remember! I popped Sudafed all day! She classifies them as "like" a vitamin, saying she'd pop two of those blue meanies and be a firecracker the rest of the day. She gives Finn a dose and assures him they're perfectly safe because they're OTC and, plus, she's a nurse. She should know.
Finn is transformed. He effervescently breezes into the music room and shakes everyone out of their seats to practice. Artie asks if his soul was taken over by caffeinated space aliens, and Finn says it's his new vitamin, and maybe after practice they could all go build a house. He tosses a box at Puck and Kurt and says he got them all some of this new Vitamin D.
The next day, the boys perform their mashup, and it's clear they've got all kinds of new energy, plus Artie has a talk box, which always helps. Interesting, fun fact: pseudoephedrine makes you sing with Autotune. Finn takes the Bon Jovi solos while Artie takes the "Confessions" parts of the mash-up, and I'm just so glad they're finally showcasing the talent of the latter. While Finn still dances like he's being controlled remotely via voodoo doll, one of the football jocks does a breakdancing move that makes my jaw drop, and after they finish the number, Will is very pleased with the energy and spirit of their performance—it's like someone slipped something in their juice boxes or something! Rachel is worried and the other girls aren't feeling so complacent anymore.
In the halls, Rachel mentions to Quinn she hasn't been seeing her at rehearsals, and Quinn bitchily reminds Rachel that glee isn't her entire life, because she has cheer and friends. She doesn't mention that she also has a baby cooking, but Rachel knows and tells her she doesn't need to be embarrassed, that the kids in Glee won't ostracize her. Furthermore, Rachel says while everyone expects them to be enemies, Rachel doesn't hate Quinn. Quinn asks why not, since she has only ever been awful in return, and Rachel says that was before Quinn knew what it was like to be an outsider. Rachel reaches out to her, showing she really has turned over a new leaf since her musical theater experience, but gives us a little bit of the old Rachel when she says Quinn's voice may be sharp at times, due only of course to her not receiving the years of training Rachel has, but good. Heh. Quinn tells Rachel if their roles were reversed, she would have tortured Rachel, and Rachel knows she's right, but she doesn't care.
Teri is in her office, phoning Howard Bamboo at Sheets and Things. She sends him to the drugstore for 36 boxes of pseudo-ephedrine. A couple days on the job and she's already an accomplished drug lord, hiring her first runner. Ken Tenaka walks in and we get a full body shot of him in his overly tight shorts and socks up to the knee and I scream at my television, "WAIST UP ONLY!" "WAIST UP ONLY!" He tells Teri they have a problem. His girlfriend is in love with her husband, and he thinks it might be mutual. Teri tells Ken she took the nurse's job to keep an eye on them and says they've got to stop them, because she's not built to work five days a week. While Ken's plan is for Teri and him to start seeing each other on the side to cancel Emma and Will's thing out, Teri's feeling morning sickness for the first time since she got fake pregnant, and changes the subject, asking if Ken and Emma are still having sex. Still? They never started. Ken gets all weepy, feeling sorry for the both of them, between Teri's pregnancy and his own psoriasis and one undescended testicle. Teri tells him to stop being such a baby, man up, and ask that doe-eyed little harlot to marry him. She gives him some Vitamin D for the courage to do it.
In the music room, Rachel is berating the girls for underestimating the boys, and Tina and Mercedes point out that there's no way they could have anticipated they'd actually bring it. "How did they d-d-d-do it, " T-T-T-Tina wonders. "The real question is, what were they on?" says Kurt. Kurt has come to them as a mole, because the girls have his true allegiance. Plus the boys wouldn't accept any of his suggestions, such as putting all their hair in cornrows and something involving several varieties exotic birds feathers. He tells them they all took something before the performance. Rachel is scandalized by this news.
In the halls, Finn is still doing his vitamin regimen and seems exactly one Pointer Sisters number away from doing a full-on Jessie Spano.
Rachel flounces up to him and calls him a cheater, revealing she knows they took performance enhancers. She calls his actions deplorable, contemptible and calls him F-Rod. Finn says he would never take steroids, because they make your junk fall off. Rachel just doesn't understand the pressure he's under, and Rachel says they're all under pressure, only she deals with it the natural way: by getting up at 6 a.m. every morning to "Break My Stride" by Matthew Wilder, having a protein shake, and doing an hour on her elliptical, motivated only by the image of a Grammy with her name on it. Finn points out that the only one putting pressure on Rachel is herself, but if he fails, he lets down the guys on the football team and the glee club. Rachel has to practically run to keep up with Finn's sasquatchian strides as she scolds him that winning by cheating isn't winning. Finn gives that a big whatever, charging that she's just worried the girls are gonna lose and that's the only reason she's pissed.
The next thing you know, all the girls are in the nurses office, getting their double dose of Vitamin D, except Quinn, who gets folic acid since she's pregnant. Rachel asks Teri if she's sure they should be doing this, and she again gives her reassurances that it's OTC and safe. Plus Teri's a nurse. Trust her. "It's good for you!"
In the faculty lounge, Ken Tenaka chews gum like a tweaker and speed-shreds some paper. Will, sitting with Teri at lunch, asks what his deal is, and Teri says it's this new vitamin regimen she's put him on. Will asks if that's safe since she's not really a nurse, and Teri tells him not to criticize her work. Emma walks in glumly and, with her usual lunch partner occupied, sits alone. To drive Emma crazy, Teri licks mustard off Will's face, and he flips out on her for acting inappropriate at his workplace, then snaps that her working there is not good for their marriage. They have nothing to talk about at home anymore, except the abundance of ants on the sidewalk. He gets up to go to the bathroom and Teri tries to go with him until he shakes her off.
With Will gone, Teri approaches Ken and tells him to get on with that proposal. He gets down on one knee and tells Emma, even though she won't ride in his car, or let him touch her above the wrist, and cried for an hour one time when his elbow accidentally brushed her breast, that he thinks about her all the time. He pulls out the box and, as she hyperventilates and hopes to wake up, he says the ring inside is a promise, not to keep her life clean of his dirty underwear, but to keep her life clean of sadness, loneliness and any other dark clouds. He presents a ring—cubic zirconia because he knows how affected she was by Blood Diamond. He pops the question and then of course we cut to commercial.
After the break, the girls of glee are standing in cute, retro yellow dresses as Rachel introduces their number at about 400 words a second, saying that while the boys chose a selection of songs that cast an eye inward on the irresponsible life choices and sexual hunger of today's modern teens, the girls have chosen a selection of songs that speaks to the nation as a whole during these troubling times filled with economic uncertainty and unbridled social ill, because if there's two things America needs right now, it's sunshine and optimism. And also angels.
They start their number, and while the pace is a little too frenetic for "Halo", it works given the fact that the girls are totally hitting the Dexies like this is Valley of the Dolls. In my opinion, the girls are way better than the boys. They're adorable, the choreography less janky, and of course they've got my girl Mercedes who almost brings me to tears every time she sings because she's just that fierce. Rachel belts an extremely high note at the end and all the boys, Will, and Emma applaud. As Will runs down the line of girls giving them high fives, he says whatever they did, keep doing it. The room clears out and Will asks Emma to walk with him.
He asks whether it's true that Ken asked her to marry him, and if she was going to say yes. She says she doesn't know, and pointedly asks if she has any other options. He points out that "no one better asked me" is not a really good approach when considering a marriage proposal, and she says that wasn't her question. Teri sees them together. Once the bell rings, Teri comes into Emma's office to "clear the air." Emma sighs and asks her to sit down, but Teri doesn't, telling Emma she has no chances with her husband whatsoever and, while Emma may think there's some sort of competition going on, Teri assures her there's about as much competition between then as there is between a nail and a hammer. Emma says that Will is a good man and deserves better than Teri. OH SNAP! I really said that out loud when I watched the first time, because I sometimes forget my television can't hear me.
Teri calmly reminds Emma that Will is her husband, and that Emma thinks she's better than Teri because she's nice to a man she sees a couple hours a day. "You're just an innocent little dove. You're so innocent that you would steal a man away from his pregnant wife." You know, if she'd leave out the "pregnant" part, she'd have a completely searing point based on no deceit whatsoever, but I guess lying about being pregnant is how the writers are able to make what's going on between Emma and Will less uncool. Teri is a shrew and a liar, and Will deserves to know the truth about her, but he's still being a total cad with all that flirting which, while not the same as cheating, is definitely how affairs get started. Teri suggests Emma marry Ken, even if he is dumb like sand and his fondue pot of nationalities will open their kids up to a host of genetic diseases. Ken—like Will—is kind and generous and—unlike Will—available.
In the halls, Teri runs into Quinn who asks to talk about the baby. Teri asks if she's having it right now. "No! Aren't you supposed to be a nurse?" Quinn says she has considered Teri's offer and she wants to give her the baby. Teri asks if this is okay with Finn, and Quinn says she's doing it for him, because he's gonna have a heart attack from all the internalized pressure he's feeling. She says she doesn't want Mr. Shuester to know about it, an arrangement with which Teri is 100% A-OK. Then Quinn says she'll need some help paying for the doctor's appointments and maternity clothes. Teri says she'll be picking up the bill for the next 18 years, and Quinn can surely handle nine months. It's what's best for everybody.
Emma tenuously tiptoes into the men's locker room, where jock straps lie hither and thither. She wilts, looking as though she may have a panic attack or faint. She finds Ken erasing the white board and clears her throat, saying she can't stay long because of the germs and odor. She asks what getting married would entail. Because she doesn't want to change her name, or live in the same part of town, or see each other after school, or have anyone see the wedding, or like, tell people they were getting married—it could be like a secret marriage. This actually sounds like that one time I got married in the second grade. Ken accepts Emma's terms and she accepts his ring. Emma has a huge bow on her skirt and she just made a huge mistake! DRINK! TWICE!
Finn sees Rachel in the halls and, playing on the A-Rod theme calls her A-Rach. She says the girls didn't cheat—they leveled the playing field. Finn asks if she really believes that and he knows her too well. Of course she feels terrible about it. Finn does too. He doesn't even remember performing, actually. Hey, did they change the dosage on Sudafed? Because I gotta get me some of that. Rachel says they should confess and disqualify both teams from winning, then apologizes for calling Finn deplorable and contemptible. He says it's okay, since he had no idea what those words meant anyway. Rachel admits she got caught up in the competitive spirit and that her goals are too selfish. She wants to try competing alongside the glee club kids rather than with them.
In the principal's office, it's clear Figgins has gotten wind of Nurse Teri's little drug-pushing operation. Will is there with her, asking what the hell she was thinking. Teri again defends herself—they're OTC, FDA approved and the kids would just find a way to get them on their own, I'm sure. Anyway, nothing bad happened, except Howard Bamboo got arrested when he bought so much of the stuff he got put on a watchlist for being a potential meth cooker. I know it doesn't take a genius to run a meth lab, but the idea of Howard pulling off such an operation is laughable. Teri says she never told Howard to get them all in one place.
Will says that's enough out of Teri. How can he trust her with a baby when she can't be trusted with teenagers? She has no concept of consequences for her actions. If only you knew, Will. "Every time I light a fire in my life, you find a way to make sure it burns the forest down." While Figgins is really loving being in this marriage counseling session, he gets back to the business of firing Teri, who wasn't cut out for full time work anyway. But he's not done. He questions Will's judgement, saying his focus on winning and competition fostered an unsafe environment. He's bringing in a co-chair for the glee club who I'm sure will totally help diffuse that oppressive air.
As the kids apologize to Will for getting him into trouble, he expresses his disappointment. While Rachel is eager to move the episode behind them, all of them having learned an important lesson, Will says it's not that simple. Girls and Acafellas, please welcome the latest element of New Directions. One Sue Sylvester, PhD.
Will's having a pretty crappy day, obvs, and on his way out of the music room, it's about to get worse. Emma approaches him and tells him she's accepted Ken's proposal. He hesitates as he tells her that's great, even though nobody involves really thinks it is. And she holds back tears as they walk away from each other.
At home, Rachel is dressed for an audition of Flashdance: The Musical! as she holds a box of decongestants. If this were Valley of the Dolls, she'd totally be Neely, popping them like crazy and taking downers at night until she got blacklisted by all the big studios and went to the mental hospital. But since this isn't a Jacqueline Suzann novel, she throws them in the trash, turns on the Matthew Wilder and gets on that elliptical, drug-free. Ain't nothin' gonna break-a Rachel's stride. Only this time, her carrot on a stick is a pink piece of paper that says "Sectionals!"
Tune in next week, when we can expect some definite showdown at high-noon action between Sue and Will.