Warning: If you just DVRed Top Chef and you plan on watching it you might not want to read beyond the break. There will be spoilers. There will also be wailing and gnashing of teeth. So don’t say I didn’t try to warn you.
…and then there were three.
Our contestants (dammit, I refuse to say chef’testants which is what they are calling them on Bravo) meet Tom and Padma where they sit casually in the middle of a vineyard.
Tom tells that for their final challenge they will be cooking a three course meal.
For the first course each chef will receive a box filled with identical ingredients. They have to use some of each ingredient in the box to create the first course.
The second course will be a free skate. They can cook whatever they want using whatever is available.
The third course has to be a dessert.
Ouch.
They will be cooking at Cyrus (I ate there in October and it was one of the three best meals of my entire life) and the judges will be some of the most “preeminent restaurateurs in the United States”.
But wait! There is more!
From between the rows come the eliminated chefs from Season 6. All of them.
And Jennifer is carrying a block of knives.
Clearly (I say clearly because some version of this happens every season and we aren’t stupid) these will be their sous chefs, but this time they don’t get to pick and choose. This time they draw the knives to see who will cook with them.
Bryan scores. He draws Jennifer and Ashley.
Michael gets Eli and a shockingly blond Jessie.
And poor poor Kevin…
Dude Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean.
Everyone goes off to Cyrus but the real question is what’s in the box?
Fortunately, in this case it wasn’t Gwyneth Paltrow’s head. It was just Pacific rock fish, kobacha squash, meyer lemon, matsutake mushroom, anise hyssop and a dungeness crab.
Okey dokey. Gross. But whatever, because there is another surprise.
THE MOMS!
No. Not Avril Incandenza. Kevin’s mom and the mother Voltaggio show up.
Isn’t that adorable?
And clever Bravo saves money by only flying in two mothers for three chefs. If they had chosen significant others they would have had to pay for three plane tickets.
But our chefs go back to Cyrus and Tom stops them and adds another little twist. In honor of the mothers they are going to add a course to the menu. Now there are four courses and the first course should be inspired by their mother and my their favorite childhood dish.
If I were cooking my dish would have to revolve around Velveeta. (Hi Mom!)
Okay, I don’t mean to be dark, but did they plan this last minute or was this the plan all along? And if so, what if somebody’s mother was dead or estranged or institutionalized? Was there a plan B or did they cast the entire season based on the availability of the mothers of the chefs?
Don’t answer that. Too creepy.
Then there is much cooking.
Aside: Did that commercial just say “Alvin and the Chipmunks, The Squeakquel?” God I want to beat the crap out of whoever came up with that.
When the chefs bring out the first course they are faced with the following judges:
Tom, Padma, Gail, Toby, Douglas Keane, Bill Terlato, Stephen Starr, Drew Nieporent, Sam Nazarian, that one chick that is always a judge on Iron Chef America, and the two mothers.
Kevin based his first course on southern fried chicken, Bryan was inspired by tuna casserole and Michael did something with broccoli. They asked mother Voltaggio which dish was her favorite, which I thought was awful but she was classy enough to not answer them.
After the first course the mothers were excused.
I’m not going to go over every single dish because I would bore you to death, but while there were missteps I think all of the chefs made pretty amazing looking food.
You know what drives me crazy about Top Chef? Except for the first season, the obvious front runner never wins. Sam, Richard, Stefan, Hubert Keller and…
*weeps*
*gnashes teeth*
*curses loudly and shakes fist*
*kicks stuff*
…and Kevin.
Kevin had an off night. Not even a bad night, but a not quite as awesome night. He was the first to pack his knives and go.
I know, Mattin. We were all sad.
So we are left with the Voltaggii. Bravo gets its wish. Brother drama.
Who will be the next Top Chef? Will it be the older, more handsome, confident brother? Or will it be the young renegade who needs this win for his self esteem?
Listen, I give the Voltaggio brother a hard time on here but I think they are both pretty great chefs.
That being said, with Kevin gone, I am rooting for Bryan.
And the judges shove one right up my pooper.
Michael is Top Chef.
I think Michael probably made the best meal, and his dishes are certainly innovative but once all was said and done I actually felt pleased for the Voltaggio brothers. Was it just me or did Bryan look relieved that Michael won? Listen, I have a little brother, I would want him
to win too.
Congratulations Michael. You are Top Chef. Maybe now you can calm down.
*kicks more stuff*
[Most pictures via Bravotv.com]
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Goon Squad Sarah really needs to get a life.
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