The Week 2 totals are in and MamaPop is getting thin. It makes you wonder: Where do all the pounds, you know, go? They must just evaporate into love or something trippy like that. Love and sparkling pride. Check out the leaderboard. (The top 2 are from Canada and they live together.)
Schmutzie lost 9 pounds for a total of 9 pounds. How’d you do it, Schmutz? “I no understand this.” Schmutzie goes on to talk a lot about lentils, poop, walking, and drinking less beer. Where can you eat a bunch of lentils and poop 9 pounds? Fucking MamaPop.
The Palinode lost 6 pounds for a total of 8 pounds. He says all he did was walk and do a mild workout for people with back injuries. But look who’s #1 and #2. Looks like one path to weight loss is sweet, sweet lovemaking. Where can you lose a ton of weight doing fun shit like sex? Fucking MamaPop.
Mayopie lost 6 pounds for a total of 6 pounds. Mayopie starves himself until 6:00 and then eats whatever he wants because no one ever died on Survivor. Where can you find the most fucked up diet this side of anorexia? Fucking MamaPop.
TwoBusy lost 4 pounds for a total of 9 pounds. TwoBusy spent more time on the treadmill in the past 2 weeks than he did in all of 2009. Where does 2010 make 2009 its little bitch two weeks into January? Fucking MamaPop.
Motherbumper lost 4 pounds for a total of 5 pounds. To accomplish her goals, Motherbumper used a combination of a bad chest cold and breathing. Where does illness mingle and blur with the cure? Fucking MamaPop.
Amalah lost 4 pounds for a total of 4 pounds. In addition to power-walks with the stroller, she cut out soda and boredom snacking and stopped eating when she was full instead of finished. Where does boredom snacking give way to rainbows and pride? Fucking MamaPop.
Miss Banshee lost 3 pounds for a total of 12 pounds. She’s been muting out the Shred and playing Lady Gaga while slamming sugar-free low carb Monster energy drinks. Where do Banshees drink Monsters and shred Lady Gaga? Fucking MamaPop.
Jennie lost 3 pounds for a total of 5 pounds. Jennie had an exercising epiphany this week. She found that happy flood of exercising joy around the corner of wanting to quit. You want to quit and want to quit and then – hey – you feel pretty awesome. Where can you lose weight and get stoned on your body’s natural opiates? Fucking MamaPop.
Karen Sugarpants lost 2 pounds for a total of 5.5 pounds. Karen had a couple PMS moments and ate 3 bags of Thinsations diet chocolate covered pretzels. She also bailed on the Shred like 4 times. Where can you magically lose 2 pounds for no apparent reason? Fucking MamaPop.
Snarky Amber lost 1.6 pounds for a total of 5.3 pounds. Amber had a lot going on this week so she didn’t get around to working out. But she’s tracking Weight Watcher points and still making progress, even while getting drunk. Where can you get drunk and still lose weight? Fucking MamaPop.
Sarah lost 1.5 pounds for a total of 2 pounds. She drank less. Who made up the 13th Step about not drinking and having a sweet ass? Fucking MamaPop.
BHJ lost 1 pound for a total of 7 pounds. I ran 31 American miles, which is 50K to the rest of the world and makes it sound longer. But I have to tell you this. I went from 214 to 208 and then, on Sunday, just started slowly climbing back to 213. And I didn’t mess up with the eating. I was just mysteriously cornholed by the universe. I’m calling it muscle. Where is failure immediately converted to muscle? Fucking MamaPop.
Kurt lost 1 pound for a total of 2 pounds. “Low carb tortillas instead of bread are the fuel behind my slow-burning weight-loss inferno.” Where does Kurt write? Fucking MamaPop.
Outnumbered lost .5 pound for a total of 7.5 pounds. Outnumbered was crushed by
Jodi lost .5 pound for a total of 1.9 pounds. “Whatever.” Where is slight progress met with flip indifference? Fucking MamaPop.
Sweatpants Mom lost 0 pounds for a total of 2 pounds. “Sob”. Where do your tears get you no sympathy and possibly make you the butt of cruel jokes? Fucking MamaPop.
Kelly GAINED 4 pounds for a total weight loss of 3 pounds. Her scale is wonky. Where do you gain 4 pounds and blame the scale? Right fucking here, my friends. Because scales break. And MamaPop still looks in the mirror and says “God damn I’m fly!”
Okay, first let's talk about some revisions to our MamaPop Blubber Number. Sweetney dropped out of the race so we're losing her 13 but Mayopie's in for 10 and Miss Banshee added 10 more to her goal.
SO, our new goal for 13 weeks is 317 pounds.
And, after 2 weeks, we've shed…
MamaPop! We have 11 more weeks to lose 222.8 pounds! We're only 10 pounds away from losing a Kate Moss!
And I keep using exclamation points because this is exciting!
So fill us in. How have you been doing? What's working? What isn't? What have you done today to make you feel proud?