Okay, so usually I think it’s gross when everybody gangs up on the “other woman” when a guy cheats on someone we generally like, but in this case: Jesse Goddamn James, what in the hell were you thinking? This woman is truly terrible. Objectively awful. Let’s have a look at a few things we’ve learned so far since she delightfully appeared on our collective consciousness:
1) Several of her many online profiles claim that she is 24 years old, holds a bachelor’s degree in biology and completed two years of medical school. Amazing for someone who has an 11-year-old son (and a five-year-old) and graduated high school all the way back in 1996, and has a fairly prolific stripper/porn star/webcam girl/tattoo-getter/model ever since. She also likes “having affairs with doctors.” So she’s ambitious, then!
2) She participated in a Nazi-themed fetish modeling shoot wearing a swastika armband. (Photos of which I am not posting, because BLECH.) She claims it was all the photographer’s idea. Which makes it okay, DUH.
3) She has the letters W and P tattooed on the backs of her thighs. Multiple “sources” have told multiple gossip rags and sites that the letters stand for “White Power.” She denies this and claims they stand for “Wet P***y.” Which is way classier, OBVS.
4) Her ex-husband claims she thinks making the Nazi salute is “funny” and uses her children’s refrigerator magnets to spell “funny” things like (surprise!) “White Power.” It’s just like, totally a JOKE, YOU GUYS.
I mean, if she’d spelled out “wet p***y” in front of her kids we’d all call her a bad mother or something. This is better.
5) She lists “Mein Kampf” as one of her favorite books on Facebook and Myspace. But seriously, she’s not a white supremacist, pinky swear.
6) Her 11-year-old son Elijah is reportedly half-Jewish, so therefore she CAN’T be a racist. Some of her best kids are…oh, I’m just gonna slam my head on the desk for a minute, BRB.
7) She has a swastika and an iron eagle tattooed just above her crotch. I don’t even want to think about having sex with someone with a swastika near their genitals and OH MY GOD NOW I’M THINKING ABOUT IT STOP STOP REWIND UNDO.
8) She modeled for a clothing line called “Angry White Boy,” which has since dropped her because of the whole pesky white supremacist rumor thing. The brand is just politically incorrect, they insist, but this Michelle McGree shit is just BANANAS.
9) Despite claiming that she’s being unfairly scrutinized and hounded and receiving death threats, she recently (as in a few days ago, after the scrutiny and hounding and such was well underway) filmed a spoof porno film involving herself and two other people: who just so happened to look like Jesse James and Sandra Bullock. Again, sources claim she just thought the video was “funny.” God, when will people learn to take a JOKE?
10) She just wants to be famous, y’all. Since when is that a bad thing?
So thanks for all of this, JESSE. I usually don’t get very het up over celebrity divorces but TEAM SANDY FTW, HOLY SHIT.
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