Donald Trump is a syndicated celebrity relationship advice columnist whose column The Greatest Relationship Advice Column in the History of the World By Donald Trump, has appeared on this website two whole times. He has given unasked-for relationship advice to such celebrities as Anne Hathaway and Rihanna and it was spectacular. DONALD TRUMP!
Dear Tiger Woods,
As I am sure you are aware, I, Donald Trump, have a TV show about golf now. It’s called Donald J. Trump’s Fabulous World of Golf . No, it really is called that. You cannot make that shit up. MY GOLF WORLD IS FABULOUS. Therefore I, Donald Trump, feel particularly qualified to talk about your return to golf. Because I like you. Because I know you. I understand you. You’re a very good friend of mine. Wait, come back! You totally are! I ORDER YOU TO COME BACK. Men! Guards! Seize him!
All right then, Tiger. My dear friend. Sit down. You (*dramatic hand-cobra gesture*) are under a lot of pressure as you return to golf. A tremendous amount of pressure. I understand pressure. It’s pressuring. You’ve faced pressure before but now you face more pressure than you’ve ever been pressured with before and my advice is to find a way to circumvent that pressure, thus taking some of that pressure off you. You handle pressure well but nobody has ever faced this kind of pressure before in the history of the world, my God, it’s like you’re the president of the United States only there’s EVEN MORE PRESSURE.
That said, I think you’ll do fantastic at the Masters. You have 24 hours to complete this task, and my advisers will be watching and reporting back to me. Good luck.
PS. I made you a mix tape. It includes a cover of “Under Pressure” that I recorded in my car.
Dear Jesse James,
I also know you very well. I like to think I know you better than you know yourself: Such is the way of Celebrity Apprentice. I get inside your head. Your soul. It’s kind of magical.
I think you’re a tough guy, Jesse. A smart guy. But I take issue with one thing: Why didn’t Sandra appear on Celebrity Apprentice? Why, Jesse? If you’re so smart, why? You could have won any task you brought her on, because of course who’s gonna fire SANDRA BULLOCK, she’s AMERICA’S SWEETHEART, also RATINGS. But you didn’t bring her on the show. And I’ve always wondered about that and you know what? NOW WE KNOW WHY. Sandra Bullock did not appear on Celebrity Apprentice because she and Jesse James had deep marital problems and yes, that is the only logical explanation.
I also hear you entered rehab. Everybody who gets caught having affairs goes to rehab. I’ve never been to rehab. There is no rehab center at the Trump World Headquarters of Awesome. Rehab is for losers. And I am not a loser, nor have I ever been faithful to a single woman in the history of my life. YOU DO THE MATH, LOSER.
I’m sorry, Jesse. But you (*dramatic hand-cobra gesture*) are fired.
PS. Do any of your tattoo’d lady people know that Amy Winehouse person? She writes some catchy tunes! I think Celebrity Apprentice would be an excellent career move for her. Lemme know thnx.