Gossip Rag Wednesday: The Bachelor/ette Edition

This week’s crop of tabloids, released to the newstands just today, and sanitized for your protection.

Remember when no one watched The Bachelorette and it was well on its way to cancellation and it had to, like, pay Extra to cover it and you only knew what was going on if you really REALLY cared? Well, those halcyon days are over. Ali and her clusterchump of knuckleheaded beaus are NEWS. Even my mother knows about gimpy Justin and not-so-innocent Ali. There is no escaping The Bachelorette.

See? See? RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

Also inescapable? The Bachelor. Doofus Bachelor Jake’s presence should be comforting to Bachelorette Ali, because while she is accused of playing a princess on tv, Jake is accused of being a VIOLENT GAY CON MAN, which might be worse.  Maybe.

Sure Sandra Bullock is the cover girl, but, alas, even People can’t escape the lure of Bachelorette Ali and her walking scabies scandal du jour. There are other shows on television! Better shows! Shows that don’t require a dose of Valtrex to watch! Don’t make me use any more exclamation marks!!

Also inescapable? KATE GOSSELIN. Shut up, tabloids! I don’t care! Although, I guess I do want her to be able to feed her eight children and, her husband is a useless walking douchebag in Ed Hardy underclothes, but STILL. Enough!