Oh, Real Housewives of New Jersey. How we love loathe love loathe love thee. You are a guilty pleasure in the truest possible sense of the term: we have absolutely no doubt that you are bad for us – in the deep and profound way that, say, Hostess Cupcakes or tequila or the films of Dolph Lundgren are bad for us – and yet we cannot resist your siren call, luring us onto the rocks, grinning all the way as you tear huge, ragged, irreparable holes in our lives and ultimately pull us down into the depths with you. We’ll float down there, Housewives. WE’LL ALL FLOAT DOWN THERE.
That being said… we’re helpless to stop watching. Your ability to fuse bad behavior and bad taste together so seamlessly is little shy of astonishing — and most weeks, you raise the bar. Each time we think we’ve seen the lowest point to which PROSTITUTIONWHORE! can sink… she somehow finds the strength within her to plumb new depths. It’s kind of astonishing, really.
And bless you for it, really. In last week’s Nobel Prize-winning recap post, I asked you to tell me who among this cast’s galaxy of stars you’d most like to see shanked… by God, you came through for me. Each suggested shanking was more brilliant and inspired than the one before — and while I’m unable to recall exactly who said it (as you may have noticed, MamaPop is undergoing some changes, and as a result comments from older posts are kinda borked), whoever came up with the idea of a Kim-on-Kim shank-off… well, all I have to say is that while it takes a twisted freak to come up with that kind of suggestion, you are most certainly my kind of twisted freak. Kudos to all of you, really.
That being said: new episode! Laissez les bontemps roulez…
• Aaaaaaand we start with Sharon Osbourne having dinner with… um… wow. Did you know she has something like two dozen brothers and sisters? I had no idea. In any case, one of them orders a “Coke with a shot of red wine in it.” Stay classy, New Jersey.
• They begin to discuss her son Albie’s travails with Law School and… zzzzzzzzzzzgggggnncccchhhhh… MUST SLAP SELF IN FACE TO STAY CONSCIOUS AND…. zzzzzzzzzzggggggcccchhhhh
• (unconcious)
• (drooling)
• Hello! We’re back! And it’s another lunch/dinner/whatever scene — Mom and PuffyChucky are meeting up with the Kim who owns the Upscale Whore Store (please note: this show offers dueling Kims. Very confusing.). Upscale Whore Store Kim admits to having been a little worse for wear after getting wasted at PuffyChucky’s party the previous week, and then tells the other women that they should trust her despite the fact that she’s still hanging out with PROSTITUTIONWHORE!, and then proceeds to invite them to a little business soirée the next week that may – possibly – maybe – but not definitely – but possibly – just so you know – maybe – might also be attended by PROSTITUTIONWHORE!
• This is all set-up, of course, for the big showcase showdown between PuffyChucky and PROSTITUTIONWHORE! they were hyping in the “next week on RHoNJ” preview from last week.
• Dear Bravo: WE DEMAND A SHANKING.
• Which segues us quickly to a PROSTITUTIONWHORE! scene, in which she discovers that Upscale Whore Store Kim has invited Mom and PuffyChucky to the same event, and decides to deal with it in a straightforward and logical sense by… um… going to the Upscale Whore Store and confronting UWS Kim (man, that’s waaaaay easier to type) about it.
• Unfortunately, UWS Kim isn’t there — so PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is denied the pleasure of another public showdown. Instead, she has to settle for the less gratifying experience of getting snippy with the UWS clerk who dares to not recognize her instantaneously or… something. Actually, I’m not sure what it is about the clerk that pisses off PW, but it’s enough that – even in the “talking about it later” flashback scene – she feels compelled to flip off the clerk.
• Well played, PROSTITUTIONWHORE! Well played indeed.
• So… as soon as UWS Kim walks in, she immediately calls PROSTITUTIONWHORE!, who yells at her for a few minutes… and THEN! THEN! THEN! she comes back to UWS and starts yelling at UWS Kim in front of her employees. And keeps escalating… and escalating… and escalating… until UWS Kim finally throws her out of the store.
• This may be the first time we’ve ever seen anyone successfully tell off PROSTITUTIONWHORE!, and it’s kind of an astonishing moment. HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE points to UWS Kim.
• And then Bravo throws us to the wolves by immediately shifting to a horribly, horribly dull scene between Sharon Osbourne and her husband. “It’s a very challenging time in my life… I don’t like being alone…”
• BOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGG
• Wait: I may be wrong. Because she’s starting to get pissed off about her kids growing up and moving on with their lives, so she starts lashing out at her husband and telling him he has to retire so she won’t get bored. Her husband: “No. I’m gonna die working.”
• Probably not the reassurance she was looking for.
• Although we should probably note that this is exactly the kind of whining that she was excoriating her son Albie for last week. Not that she (or any of the Housewives, for that matter) are hypocrites. Did I say that? I didn’t say that. I didn’t even think it. It must’ve been you. How dare you?
• We flip back over to the UWS, where Mom’s horrible, horrible, horrible daughter shows up and gets invited not only to attend the fashion show… but to participate in the catwalk… thing. Thereby giving 3 different Real Housewives kids catwalk time this season. I’m not sure what that means, but I’m pretty sure I’m deeply, deeply uncomfortable with it.
• We’re then treated to a couple of minutes of the horrible daughter trying on outfits in prep for said catwalk thing, while the UWS staff looks on and says flattering things. My wife points out that the staff at the UWS probably shouldn’t be chewing gum while they’re working. Good point. It detracts from the otherwise classy nature of the boutique.
• As the scene closes, I should point out that the horrible horrible daughter – who lives in New Jersey, which is Jets/Giants territory – walks out of the UWS wearing a Tony Romo jersey.
• I hereby nominate the horrible, horrible daughter for shanking. Despite the fact that – as a predictably insane New England sports fan – I hate both the Giants and the Jets, I cannot stomach this act of football treachery. It’s despicable. I’m glad her stepfather Chris isn’t here to see it, because I’m pretty sure he’d throttle her on the spot.
• PuffyChucky: “Sex is the only exercise I get,” followed by the duckface. MVP! MVP! MVP!
• Good use of the expensive-looking home gym, btw. I’m sure that was worth going $10 million into debt.
• Back to PROSTITUTIONWHORE!, who gets a call at home from UWS Kim — who kinda sorta vaguely apologizes for the fact that her employee did… um… whatever it is that PW is accusing her of doing, but mostly wants to try to get PW to come to the fashion show.
• “Kim D has no idea what kind of crazy she’s just invited to her fashion show.” Three guesses on who said that.
• If you guessed PROSTITUTIONWHORE! three times… you’re right.
• We then switch over to the House of Mom, who invites Sharon Osbourne to join her and PuffyChucky at the fashion show, and mentions that – by the way – PW will be there. Which gives us YET ANOTHER opportunity for Sharon to tell us that doing anything anywhere anytime ever in the presence of PW is a baaaaaaaad idea.
• I have to admit: Sharon Osbourne generally bores me silly, but she’s also got more common sense than all of the other NJ Housewives combined.
• Granted, this is a very relative scale. It’s like saying the great white is the cuddliest of the man-eating sharks.
• Mom takes a moment to express concern over the fact that PW’s beautiful/smart/clearly-too-good-for-her daughter will also be performing on the same catwalk, which means that PW may have even more incentive to feel threatened and cause a scene.
• Granted, this is also a very relative scale.
• So! We move on to the night of the big fashion show shindig, which kicks off with Kim G showing up at the PROSTITUTIONWHORE’s! house in her giant black chauffeured Bentley looking like… um… well, it looks like her hair was done by Sharon Osbourne’s daughter at the House of Bad Flock of Seagulls Haircuts. She also appears to be wearing one of the outfits sold by the Upscale Whore Store.
• It occurs to me: this entire episode is an infomercial for the Upscale Whore Store.
• Onward to the fashion show! Where we quickly realize that UWS Kim’s hair is also looking spectacularly fucked-up. It’s an apocalyptically bad hair night for the Kims.
• Meanwhile, Mom and PuffyChucky show up in matching minks. My wife: “Some animal just died and fell on both of them.”
• And then our pal PROSTITUTIONWHORE! shows up and…
• Um.
• Um.
• She has a bodyguard. Who looks just like Johnny Depp, circa 21 Jump Street. I’m so baffled now I don’t even know how to react.
• Programming note: Richie Shankbora will not be playing the role of the bodyguard tonight, both because a) he offended Kim G last time they were together, which means she doesn’t want him in her gigantic black Bentley; and b) 21 Jump Street Johnny Depp is way more fun to look at.
• That said, I hope he’s carrying a shiv.
• PLEASE NOTE THE IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SHIV AND SHANK. If that’s the only thing we learn from this season, it will have been fully worth the time invested.
• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! notices that UWS Kim is sitting next to her two ex-friends Mom and PuffyChucky. Surprisingly, she takes offense.
• You know how Michael Jordan used to focus on slights – real or imagined – by opposing players or coaches, and used those as motivation to help drive him to greater heights of performance? Like, “Larry Nance said I I suck as a spokesman? Fuck him!” and then he’d go out and drop 60 on the Cavs?
• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is the Michael Jordan of insane middle-aged New Jersey housewives.
• Meanwhile, Sharon Osbourne goes out for a date night with her husband. They talk about… do I have to pretend it matters? Even my wife is bored. Dear Bravo: STOP BORING MY WIFE.
• Back to the fashion show. Woman are meandering up and down the catwalk in Upscale Whore Store attire, with PuffyChucky braying “I want that! I want that! I like those boots!” to everything she sees. Reminder: $10 million in debt. Just saying.
• Meanwhile, PROSTITUTIONWHORE! tries to piss off UWS Kim, Mom and PuffyChucky by using a trick taught to her by Paris Hilton: pretend to be on the phone. I’m not quite sure how this works, but I’m absolutely fascinating by the idea of Paris Hilton and PROSTITUTIONWHORE! getting together (perhaps for a juicy burger or two) and discussing tips on pissing people off.
• Then Mom’s terrible terrible daughter meanders out onto the catwalk in her UWS outfit and… WOW. PROSTITUTIONWHORE! just called her a COKE WHORE. (Not to be confused with COKE KITTY, btw.)
• I’m absolutely floored by this. Yeah, she and the terrible daughter have been awful to each other, but to publicly refer to the daughter of someone who was (until recently) one of your best friends a coke whore? Un. Be. Fucking. Lievable.
• She’s not done yet, of course. PROSTITUTIONWHORE! keeps getting more and more worked up – to the point where she’s basically screaming epithets about the other housewives and UWS Kim – while she’s sitting at a table AT the even being thrown by UWS Kim.
• I’m no Emily Post scientist, but I’m pretty sure that falls into the category of “bad manners.”
• PuffyChucky enjoying the moment: “This is like high school. And we’re the cool kids!” MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP!
• As PROSTITUTIONWHORE! gets up to hit the ladies’ room… Mom notices that both her awful daughter and PuffyChucky are missing. Understandably, this makes her nervous. She goes looking for them, and discovers PuffyChucky waiting for PW in the hallway. “I just want to say hi,” she claims.
• Soon enough, PW and her cadre wander by, and PuffyChucky calls out to her. “Hi, Danielle!” she says. Her eyes sparkle with love for all humanity.
• She’s so friendly. I think we could all learn a thing or two about friendship from PuffyChucky. She’s like a role model for America’s insane and morally/spiritually/financially bankrupt housewives. They should teach this in school or something.
• Preview for the July 12th episode. Which appears to be a continuation of what we’re seeing right now, only with all hell breaking loose. Hold on… Bravo? Are you going to cliffhanger us again? GODDAMN YOU, BRAVO. YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT AGAIN. BASTARDS.
• Anyhow, we’re back, and in what can only be called a stunning reversal of roles, PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is trying to take the high road and walk away while PuffyChucky is clearly trying to start a fight. She keeps poking and prodding and…
• PuffyChucky: “You know me… I’m just the sweetest person…” PW: “Actually I don’t know you that way.” Point to PROSTITUTIONWHORE!
• PuffyChucky calls PW “honey,” which does not make PW happy. PuffyChucky retorts: ““I don’t want to call you honey, ‘cos you’re an old hag. Is ‘bitch’ better?”
• THE GAUNTLET HAS BEEN THROWN.
••• ••• ••• ••• ••• •••
And with that, Bravo ends the episode and gives us another promo for the next episode, where we see what looks like several scenes of PuffyChucky going full-on table-flipping batshit crazy, running through the event center, screaming like a lunatic and quite possibly trying to kill PROSTITUTIONWHORE!
I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was excited for this.
IMPORTANT PROGRAMMING NOTE: There is no new episode next week – the PuffyChucky goes batshit crazy episode will apparently air on Monday, July 12th – but instead Bravo is offering a Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon (starting at 3pm on 7/5). If you or anyone you know isn’t completely caught up on this, the most marvelously trashy and addictive hour of television on television… you have a duty to tie them to a chair and force them to sit through the whole season.
It’s for their own good, really.
. . . . .
TwoBusy doesn’t like being called honey, either.
About TwoBusy
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