Oh, The Bachelor. We love to hate it, don’t we, my beloved little squirrels? And you’re all so kind as to go with me on our little jaunts every week here at MamaPop as I recap the nightmare OVER AND OVER AND OVER like some endless commercial for psychiatric drugs. Which is kinda is! I mean, *I* certainly need the meds to write these, YOU need them to watch this crap, and all the contestants REALLY need them, obviously. That’s what makes it fun, and FUNNY. So when E! decided to do a “Then and Now” of The Bachelor, I thought “Self? You just HAVE to recap THAT shit, it’ll be great!”
Dudes? It was the most boring “special” I’ve ever endured. And a bored Banshee is a dangerous Banshee. I tend to start making things up and get really, REALLY vicious, and then I hit “publish” and laaaaaaaaugh and laugh and laugh. So here, my friends, is my recap of The Bachelor: Then and Now. Blame E!. And fasten your seatbelts, I’m feeling deliciously evil.
We open, of COURSE, with Jake and Vienna. Fans thought they’d never last, and boy, they didn’t. Their split made history as the ugliest breakup EVER on The Bachelor, and it has delivered countless hours of drama, every millisecond of it awesome. So with this season’s Bachelorette almost over, whatever are we to do for drama until the next season?
Well, in “a combo of Survivor, Big Brother, and The Bachelor,” according to reality show maven Reality Steve, we now have The Bachelor Pad. And subsequently, herpes. But more on that later.
The audience loves the drama factor of The Bachelor and Bachelorette, sayeth the voiceover, and no one on the shows is ever the same after. For one, they have to take a lot of antibiotics. For another, most of them turn into famewhores, but we’ll see THEM on The Bachelor Pad. The geniuses at E! decided to follow up on the most BORING EX-CONTESTANTS EVER, so let’s make our own fun with them, shall we?
Here’s Rhonda, from Season One of The Bachelor. She drank too much (NO! Not on The BACHELOR!) and didn’t want to cry when she got eliminated, so she hyperventilated instead. My beloved Chris Harrison, whose hairplugs look positively ORANGE in the E! lighting, which is a damn shame, because everyone knows j’adore my Harrison, says it sounded like an animal dying. Snort. Ambulances came! Sirens! Drama! This makes Mike Fleiss, creator of The Bachelor and probable Uncle Bad Touch, grin creepily. And let me say something about Uncle Bad Touch. He looks like he should be on America’s Most Wanted for flashing a nunnery. Seriously, if you watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette with any consistency and you ever wonder what kind of fucked up brainpan could ever come up with this crap, Google this guy. He’s the frakkin’ “Stranger Danger” spokesmodel. Bleh. ANYWAY, back to Rhonda. The drama carried over into her life after the show. In the most shocking thing I’VE ever heard, it was “hard to be seen as a professional and not a crazy girl.” No! After melting down and being carted away to a mental ward on national television? Say it ain’t so! Anyhoodle, she’s married with two kids and everything is normal again. Fascinating, E!. So glad I know that. UBT is happy for her in a creeptastic way. I don’t like it when UBT smiles. I need an adult!
Christie was Season 2′s crier. She fell in love fast. Really fast. 15 minutes into a wine-soaked date, she lost her damn mind. Harrison was all “Sweet! Someone’s crying!” like you do, but then she went full on Fatal Attraction, according to Reality Steve. Christie thinks that’s ridiculous, of COURSE she didn’t go crazy. All that footage of her foaming at the mouth and stealing hair from the Bachelor’s hairbrush to make voodoo dolls? Completely made up. CGI, even. Since this is a show about boring people, we learn that now she’s got a chump fiance and is happy in Boise. Happy in Boise? Okay, if you say so. She gained strength from the experience. Whatever, she’s the original Manson Lamps. Speaking of Manson Lamps, remember her from Jakey’s season of The Bachelor? She’s going to be on The Bachelor Pad. That? Is a world of awesome. Maybe she’ll have a caregiver who follows her around with a blowgun and a dart of Thorazine for the safety of all involved! I squee!
Commercials! Angie Everhart will always be prettier than all of us, even 9 months pregnant in a sports bra and lycra shorts like she is in this ad. Feel free to hate her intensely. I know I do.
Ugh. Fucking Andrew Firestone. He thought being on The Bachelor was a great idea. Of course he did. The original douchenozzle of the franchise, he smarms about all the girls, and Reality Steve says he “could have been a Cyclops and the girls wouldn’t have cared,” because he’s rich. Excellent point, Steve. Andy and his stupid hair found love with Jen, and they were happy for NINE WHOLE MONTHS. Wow, meaningful. Now he’s married to what appears to be a Russian mail-order bride and has a kid and is happy and boring. They have a ranch and a vineyard, and are very very rich. He says that once in trying to look rich and cool on the show, an alpaca spit in his face. I envy that alpaca.
FUCKING BACHELOR BOB was even worse than Firestone. He started on The Bachelorette, got dumped, and then became the Bachelor. The girls loved him from The Bachelorette and so Bob was as happy as a pig in shit. No, he was really a pig. He boinked FIVE “and a half” women while he was on the show. He gave the last rose and probably chlamydia to Estella, but, SHOCK AND AWE, they broke up. Now he’s in “The Band From TV” with ACTUAL famous people, of which he is not one, no matter how hard he tries, and he married Greenlee from All My Children. Man, I wish I was recapping All My Children right now. Anyway, they’re divorced now but “friends.” Sure they are. He takes every piddly television job he can get his greasy hands on, because he’s a complete famewhore. And a dick. Fucking Bachelor Bob and his white boy fro and Chicklet teeth. I hate his stupid face.
Commercials! Ryan Seacrest, you tiny little gnome of a man! I have so many questions for you! How rich ARE you? HOW many jobs do you have? Do you wear platform heels? Are they a size 6? Because we could do tradesies. You are SO WEE. Are you tall enough to ride The Mixer at the carnival? I need to know.
Trish was the bad girl in Season 5, and she loves that label. Because she’s completely bonkers, the whole process wasn’t as stressful for her as it was for some of the other girls. She didn’t care that Jesse kissed other people, etc. I guess because she’s had all her shots. She wore a shirt that said “Golddigger: Like a hooker, but smarter” on the show, which is pretty awesome, and when she didn’t get a rose, she didn’t take no for an answer. She broke into a date and unsuccessfully tried to get Jesse back, like the loon she is. She models lingerie, of which we get gratuitous footage for no discernible reason. She got married and settled down, because E! loves telling us boring stuff we don’t care about. People love to ask her if the show is real, she cackles. She’s the same cuckoo-bird even now, which I respect. She was batshit on the show, and she’s batshit in real life. Stay true to your crazy ass self, Trish! And yes, she still has the shirt. Thrilling.
Byron was the Season 6 Bachelor. He was old and a fisherman. I’ll refrain from the “what a catch” joke, because I respect you all. Wow, he looks like a douche. He fell in love with Mary right away.and they ended up engaged. Shockingly, they were happy for four or five YEARS, so of course THAT would never do, aaaaand she decked him and split his lip while he was driving. They play the 911 tape and everything. She then got arrested AGAIN a year later for public intoxication and resisting arrest and they finally broke up because she’s certifiable and APPARENTLY prone to a spot of the old ultraviolence. Neither wants to talk about it. Man, this show has NO good dirt whatsoever. Since then, Byron has gone back to his true love, FISHING TRADE SHOWS. Utterly riveting. He doesn’t have any regrets. Really? All that shit went down and you have NO regrets? She split your lip! You had to bail her out of jail TWICE! She was a maniac! NO regrets? They don’t mention Byron’s obvious lobotomy.
Commercials! Y’all, the wait is ALMOST OVER for Cats and Dogs 2. Are you SOILING YOURSELF WITH ANTICIPATION? I know I am.
Krisily was the bitch of Charlie O’Connell’s season. My spellcheck and I take personal offense at her obviously fake name. It was a crazy season, and she stood out for being a slut and a loon. Harrison calls her psychotic, only politely, because he’s Chris Harrison, the GENTLEMAN of this clusterfuck of a franchise. Her strategy paid off and Charlie, who is cute, but not the sharpest knife in the chandelier, dated her through the show’s run. Because Jebuddah is displeased with me, she’s going to be on The Bachelor Pad. OH GOOD. I get to spell that name for the rest of the summer. Awesome.
Moana and her unfortunate name were on the Paris season. Harrison says the show was struggling, so the producers said to cut losses and go to Paris. Dr. Travis Storch from Dr. Phil’s craptacular offshoot The Doctors was the Bachelor. I guess he’s hot, but he looks like zero fun and also like he has a rebar up his ass. Moana made her move on a yacht date by jumping off the boat with Travis and swimming away with him. Sadly, they were not devoured by Megashark OR Giant Octopus , and he kept her around till the final rose. She believed Dr Travis’s LIES and thought they were getting married. HA! She knew something wasn’t right during the final rose ceremony and was right. He dumped her. She felt like she was violated. Then, in the only awesome thing that happens in this entire geedee show, she calls Dr. Travis a douchebag! Nice one, Moana! There are times that she regrets going on the show, but she found some dude and even though she wasn’t so much with the “trusting people” after the show, they’ve been together for a long time. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
Commercials! Charlie St. Cloud drives alone in the carpool lane and parks in handicapped spaces. Also he kicks old ladies in the vajay and doesn’t recycle. It’s all in the subtext, people.
Erica Rose was the over-privileged socialite for the season with the prince. Spoiled rotten, she was obnoxious and wore a tiara all the time for Prince Lorenzo. I hate her ON SIGHT. She got eliminated, ha ha, and after that, she was recognized everywhere for being a beetch, which it seems she deserved. She says that she developed a thick skin and somehow went to law school, and now has responsibility and drive. Bully for her. She’s still a bitch though, and wears her tiara when she goes out. Of course she does. We see her in a library, pretending to read. I’m not buying this at all. A lawyer? My ass. Show me the proof this toolbox passed the bar exam.
Andy was the Naval Doctor. He was “discovered” and was all “25 chicks? Why not?” The highlight of his season occurred when he had a two on one date and after he dumped one on an aircraft carrier the helicopter carrying Andy and the other chick shined the spotlight on the dumpee as they flew away. Classy! He proposed to Tessa and they, you know the chorus, sing it with me, broke up. Whine whine fame is hard, blah. He’s still in the military and it gives him perspective. He recently went to Africa to do a big footrace and he sponsors a kid there. We see footage of the kid and now I feel bad, cause that kid is hella adorable. Okay, Andy, you get a pass. I’m like Mother Teresa over here!
Commercials! You know, E!, you can play the commercial for The Other Guys all you want, but all I will do is shake my head and wonder what the hell happened to Marky Mark’s career. And his third nipple.
Deanna fell in love with Season 11′s Brad and she was the popular pick for the final rose. Brad decided to be awesome instead, and rejected BOTH chicks. Deanna was devastated. She became America’s sweetheart and Brad became a media pariah for not picking anyone. Deanna doesn’t think he deserved it, and neither do I. It’s a glimmer of realism in reality tv, and that’s rare. She of COURSE became the Bachelorette and says it was the best thing in the whole world. She picked Jesse and the relationship lasted five months, which is like 30 years in reality tv time. She found troo love with the twin of someone who was on another season of The Bachelorette (HUH?) so she thanks the show for that. Reality show incest. Gross.
Matt was the British Bachelor. He was discovered in a London nightclub and he thought the show was a GREAT idea. Of course he did. He fondly remembers all the girls getting shitfaced, because he’s a colossal prick. He picked some bottle blonde and they were together for about 15 minutes before they broke up. Between taping and the airing. He says he “proposed to a moron a foot shorter than he is” and he regretted that a bit. He moved to LA, of course, became a complete fame whore, is writing a dating book, and has another reality show in the works. WHAT A GEM. Don’t fall for the hair and the accent, ladies of Los Angeles. This one has the shifty eyes, and will probably steal your credit card to pay for hookers and blow.
Commercials! Step Up 3-D! No, I shan’t, thanks.
Hey, it’s Jillian from Bachelor/Bachelorette! She sadly ended up with Ed the Head from The Bachelorette, ick. Jill PROUDLY says she was discovered drunk in a bar and of course was picked to be America’s new sweetheart. She almost had sex with Jason in the hot tub while she was on The Bachelor, of which we see entirely too much footage, ACK my EYES. She wasn’t attracted to him, she assures us, but they were on teevee so naturally she fell in “love.” After he broke her heart, she gained a lot of weight and slept all the time, LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO, and then became The Bachelorette. She met Ed the Head there. He got the final rose, because Jillian obviously needs a new contact lens prescription, but then the tabloids said he was a manwhore, and even Harrison apologized for it, cause Jillian’s a sweetie. There was a big brou-ha-ha, but she and the Head stayed together. She says doesn’t want to get married just because they were on a tv show, because she’s almost normal. On this special they’re still together, but in the tabloids in my supermarket today? They just broke up. So ladies, Ed the Head is back on the market! He’s hideous and has a giant melon! Scoop him up while you still have a chance!
ROZLYN! WOO HOO! Rozlyn was the whoreface from Jakey’s season of The Bachelor who slept with one of the producers during the show. Harrison confronted Rozlyn and IT WAS AWESOME, remember? Here’s the recap for that eppy if you forgot. She insists that she didn’t do anything wrong, of course. Everyone hates her now, ha ha. She whines that no one even knows her. THEN, there was a rumor that she was in a sex tape, of COURSE, and she complains that she has to explain that to her kid someday. Oh, that should be nice. I hope she’s saving up for his inevitable therapy bills and bail. The thing about reality shows, she says, is that you’re taking a big risk and even though she wasn’t portrayed well? She had a hell of a time. Of COURSE she did, she’s a terrible person! Duh.
The Bachelor Pad is the newest incarnation of this mess, because reality shows are getting trashier and trashier, and Uncle Bad Touch isn’t getting his rocks off with his existing shows anymore, so he scraped the bottom of the barrel and found the most horrific bottomfeeders television has ever seen and put them back on tv for another 15 minutes of infamy and gonorrhea. He reminds us that as reality shows become more complicated, The Bachelor will still be about people wanting to make a connnection. Yes. Of their genitals. For about twenty seven seconds after the final rose. Fucking Firestone, grinning like the assface that he is, tells us “not to take it too seriously if you don’t get a rose. You’ll survive.” What a douche. Credits.
Wait, that’s it?
Okay, that’s it! Well, E!, thanks for that. What a complete waste of an hour. I think E! has chimps producing these shows, I really do. Anyway, thanks for playing, and I’ll see you for The Bachelorette finale next week! Remember, kids, THIS is what happens when you go on a reality show. Some crazy betch clocks you while you’re driving and Fucking Bachelor Bob gives you the clap. Allegedly!
Miss Banshee is actually very nice in real life.