Tonight! We go to Tahiti! Smooching! Love declarations! Clams! Kissing! And fucking Frank ruins everything. Let’s get to it! Now I’m recapping in real time here, so everything that happens is my immediate reaction. Keep that in mind when the swearing starts, y’all. I’m working VERY blue tonight. It’s gonna be dirty. Shoo away the kids.
Los Angeles, California. Cape Cod Chris. He’s starting to fall in love with Ali. He hasn’t felt this way in quite some time, and he brings up Dead Mom again, shocker. He’s ready for love now! And he sees it with Ali! We flashback to the first episode, where he drops “you look wicked awesome” on her. I would have married him then and there. But I have a bizarro love for the Massachusetts boys, we all know this. Anyway, CCC waxes non-poetic, blah blah this is very hard and stressful, he might not win, he’s gotta wait and see what happens and that’s hard, blah.
Robbo! He can’t wait for the moment he’s the last man standing. Ali fit in perfectly with his family. He would be sooooo lucky to have Ali as his wife. We would be lucky if Robbo was shirtless for the entirety of this episode. He can’t believe the chemistry came so hard and fast. Heh heh heh. Yeah, I did that on purpose. Robbo basically cannot wait to bone Ali, let’s get down to it. And it’ll happen in Tahiti. Because you know what happens in Tahiti, don’t you? OVERNIGHT DATES. YES. Anyway, blah blah other dudes, what if he doesn’t win, blah. FANTASY SUITE. WEAR A RUBBER.
Fucking Frank. Going down to three dudes is wild, and he thought he was gonna be one of those dudes from day one. Very few people have the connection they have, and he can see them getting married someday. He came here to fall in love with Ali and he did, but feelings! Have been brewing! For his ex girlfriend Nicole! And now? He thinks he might still be in love! With Nicole! FUCKING FRANK RUINS EVERYTHING, FILM AT ELEVEN. He’s supposed to go to Tahiti to be with Ali but he has to see Nicole in Chicago first. HOLY SHIT, FUCKING FRANK! He needs to make a decision. YEAH YOU DO, YOU FUCKING PRICK. I’m sorry, but I have NO tolerance for Fucking Frank’s BULLSHIT and that has nothing to do with my own fucked up personal life. Okay, that’s a lie. FF better hold on to his ass tonight, because I’ll be handing it to him.
Commercials! Step Up 3D. Proof that I am fucking old. These “stars” look like fetuses to me. Very underdeveloped fetuses. Dancing in 3D. Nightmarish stuff, that.
Fucking Frank isn’t going to Tahiti, he’s in Chicago to stalk Nicole. He’s falling in love with Ali but he’s scared he’s still in
love with Nicole. This is fucking bullshit. These feelings didn’t develop overnight. If he was really falling in love with Ali, he should have told her about Nicole already. He bitches about his stomach twisting. Boo fucking hoo. FF is at Nicole’s door. “What is going on?” she asks. FF goes inside what is obviously a hotel room to talk to her. He needs to make a decision and someone is going to get hurt. FF’s been a wreck, he says. He’s spent a long while fighting other guys for Ali. She doesn’t know he’s there, she doesn’t know about Nicole at all, actually. FF had amazing chemistry with Ali from the start. Nicole looks devastated. FF continues. His feelings are real and Ali’s a great girl. Nicole should stab him. She counters that this is sickening to think he could be getting close to anyone else. She’s shaking. SHANK HIM, NICOLE. I WILL FASHION YOU A SHIV. FF yaps MORE about how as he had this amazing time, but old feelings were developing for her. More and more all the time. Nicole stares at her hands. FF won’t shut up. He wants to see if they still have the spark. VOMIT ON HIM, NICOLE. But no. She says that without him, she isn’t happy, isn’t complete. She says he needs to come home. Frank grins. I vomit on my cat. FF nods and hugs Nicole. I’m dying from rage. FF voiceovers that he loves Nicole and they kiss. Everything has led to this moment with Nicole, and that’s what he’s always wanted. He’s gotta find Ali and tell her. It’s going to take a lot of courage and strength and he needs Nicole to support him because he’s scared. He has the gall to say this is bittersweet because he’s so happy but it’s at Ali’s cost. A pair of size 6 sandals go sailing across the room and hit the television.
Commercials. Fuck commercials. I am in a blind rage. Fucking Frank is disgusting. WHY would you go on a reality show about finding love when you’re in love with someone else? WHY would you even DATE when you’re in love with someone else? WHY would you GO ON NATIONAL TELEVISION AND FILM WHAT JUST HAPPENED? If Nicole means so much to Frank, why did he just make her the Other Woman in front of millions of people? Why didn’t he do it in private? WHY did it take so long? WHY didn’t Fucking Frank do this WEEKS ago? I am seriously ill. I mean, yeah, if he has these feelings he obviously had to act on them, but the timing is nausea-inducing. I think Fucking Frank is a famewhore and a vile excuse for a person. And this whole “I didn’t realize it till the home visit?” Yeah, not buying that for a second.
We’re back with poor, deluded Ali. She’s living a dream in Tahiti and it’s the perfect place to fall in love. Oh god. Poor Ali. She’s so happy. She’s so blind. I ache for her. She believes with all her being that one of these guys is going to be her husband. First up is Robbo, thank Jebuddah. She’s sure he’ll be even hotter in Tahiti. You ain’t just whistling Dixie, sister.
Robbo ponders that it’s a privilege and an honor to propose to Ali and he hopes he’s that person. OMG, please, Ali, please pick him or CCC right now, it’s like I’m waiting for a Looney Tunes anvil to drop on her any moment. They meet up and are blissful together. GOOD DON’T STOP. Ali leads Robbo to YET ANOTHER HELICOPTER. Drink. Life is about moments like this, Robbo opines. Off they go, and marvel at the beauty of Tahiti. I’d go into detail, but as you all know, I don’t do that shit unless tourist boards call me. So they look at the dumb water. Ali waxes about Robbo and how amazing he is, and how he reaffirms her feelings for him every time he sees her, and she’d be so lucky to be his wife. She cannot WAIT for the fantasy suite, y’all.
They land at a lagoon shaped like a heart. AMG, retch. More shots of the stupid water. Just to be classy, Ali’s t-shirt is completely see-through. She voiceovers about the amazing chemistry they have. PLEASE JUST HAVE SEX NOW AND LET THE SHOW BE OVER. They frolic in the water instead. Robbo voiceovers about how perfect Ali is and how lucky he is. Wonderful. Shag now and get married and we can wrap this up without even seeing FF again. They make out in the water as the voiceovers about how wonderful everything is and how much they love each other continues. I am happy for them, but vomit on a kitten on principle.
Commercials! Dudes? We don’t care about commercials tonight, do we? No. This is what’s going to happen. Fucking Frank is going to taint Ali for life with his devastating news because he’s a fucking coward who should be drawn and quartered. Ali has these two other dudes who are wonderful and wicked awesome, and the betrayal of Frank is going to soil everything and destroy her trust and I can’t even watch her be happy with the divine Robbo because I know what’s going to happen. This entire thing sucks ASS. I can’t STAND this fucking show.
Dinner with Robbo. Ali’s wearing a short toga of some sort with a very unflattering plunging neckline. She must be duct-taped into that thing. Gonna be awkward when they TOTALLY HAVE SEX LATER. Robbo voiceovers that he’s not used to being so open with his emotions and that he’s not good with this stuff. They reminisce about the day. Condoms, people. Live it, love it, wear it. Just go to the freaking fantasy suite and do it, NOW. Robbo is struggling to say how he feels, and that he wants a future with her. There’s been something on his mind. It’s good, he assures her. He tends to be very closed off and being so open with her freaks him out. He thinks it’s important for Ali to know that he’s falling in love with her. I tear up and vomit on the remaining unsoiled kitten. They smooch and open the fantasy suite note from Harrison. Will they or won’t they? DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT. Robbo thinks it would be a “damn shame” to let the fantasy suite go to waste. Ali agrees. WOO HOO! YAY! They walk into the water to get to the ladder to the fantasy suite. We get a shot of the BED, YES! Boink to your heart’s content, kids! Fuck the thought of FF right out of her, Robbo! COME ON, DO IT. They start undressing as we fade to black. YES YES YES. THIS is awesome. THIS is how it should be. End the show right now. BUT NO.
Commercials. I’m emotionally drained already. Seriously, I need a cigarette. BRB.
We’re back. Ali’s basking in the afterglow, like, whoa. Here comes Cape Cod Chris. They hug and smooch. They’re going to explore the stupid water on a big dumb boat. Ali voiceovers that things went slowly with CCC but being at his parents’ house really brought them together. They slug back beer and look at the scenery. Ali tells him that he was so calm and open at his parents’ house. He loved seeing how easy it was to have her at his house. She loved the fam. They’re happy. This is great! Deathmatch between Robbo and CCC! We don’t even NEED Fucking Frank!
CCC talks about how guarded he was about Ali and doing this whole thing, and that he’s now very excited. They smooch and flirt as the music soars. Ali says that they’re making up for lost time in the romance department. They get to an island and swim over as CCC interviews that Ali “blows him out of the water.” BLOW HIM IN THE WATER, ALI. Ahem, sorry, don’t do that. Excellent way how to drown. Ah mah gah, CCC carries her out of the water as they make out. This is so awesome I vomit on all three cats. They open shellfish and CCC FINDS A PEARL IN ONE. Dudes, I don’t even care if the producers planted them. This is incredible. There are pearls everywhere. Ali likens their relationship to a pearl, slow to develop but beautiful. She wants the fucking Fantasy Suite RIGHT NOW. No seriously, she basically says she can’t wait to bone him. Don’t do it in the sand, guys, the friction will kill ya.
Commercials. This show is WEARING ME OUT. So lemme get this straight. Two dudes. Both awesome. Both kinda perfect dates. Hard choices to make. This is great television, right? WRONG. The producers see how happy Ali is right now and are SOILING THEMSELVES with glee at the fact that Fucking Frank is going to show up and ruin everything.
That’s why you don’t go on a reality show to find love, people. Fucking Frank shows up and vomits all over your cats.
Dinner with CCC, otherwise known as the precursor to a lot of sex. Do I even have to recap this? They eat at a romantic beach and CCC talks about Dead Mom and how you need to tell the people you care about the most how you feel. He’s so happy. She’s so happy. I’m dry heaving on felines everywhere. Ali interviews that she wants to “explore it further.” Dudes, she is so ready to fuck him it’s insane. Here’s the Fantasy Suite card. CCC is SHOCKED that there’s a Fantasy Suite. They’re all over it. And each other. “I think…we should go,” says Ali. Yes, says CCC. He interviews that he’s in love with her. I think he’s wearing eyeliner in his interview. It’s odd with his plaid shirt. And he wears a ring, anyone else find that odd? Was it his DEAD MOM’S? Cause he doesn’t mention her enough. Anyway, as they salivate over each other, he says that he thinks his mom is watching. Ew, that’s weird, they’re gonna boink at any moment. Here it comes. “God, I love you,” sayeth CCC. Ali doesn’t say it back, but giggles and smooches him more. He’s SO smitten. I can barely watch this, knowing what’s going to happen. Well, other than the coitus, which is TOTALLY HAPPENING.
Commercials. Well here it comes. I hope Ali drowns the fucker. Let’s get this over with, Fucking Frank has managed to ruin two perfect dates so far for me, and yes, I’m taking all of this EXTREMELY PERSONALLY. Deep breath. Let’s do this.
Fucking Frank is talking about how happy he should be but how he’s here to tell Ali that he’s leaving to be with Nicole. He wasn’t expecting this. Bullshit, this didn’t happen overnight. He’s confident in his decision but doing this is going to be the hardest thing ever. He needs to talk to Harrison. HARRISON, DESTROY HIM.
Fucking Frank tells Harrison about going back to Chicago. He expected to see Nicole and know he was supposed to be with Ali, but that wasn’t the case. He told Nicole that he loved her and she loves him. Harrison is blown away. He’s staring daggers at Fucking Frank as well he should. The hometown date made him realize it was always Nicole. He didn’t expect this. BULLSHIT. Harrison, END HIM. FF yammers on. “How do you think she’s going to take this?” spits Harrison. FF doesn’t know. Harrison spills that Ali’s crazy about FF. That makes it harder, FF whines. He loves Nicole and thinks he could spend the rest of his life with her. He hopes he’s right. So does Harrison, he grimly says. FF begs Harrison to tell him what to do. . He says FF’s a good guy WHICH HE’S NOT, but he needs to think of what this is going to do to Ali. Closeup on Fucking Frank sweating his balls off. IF HE HAD ANY WHICH HE DOES NOT. Harrison thinks FF needs to tell Ali straight up the moment she gets there. Be honest LIKE YOU HAVEN’T BEEN FOR THE WHOLE SHOW, and tell her. FF is shitting himself, as well he should. I’m shaking with rage, y’all. This is a stupid reality show and I’m shaking with rage. Thank Jebuddah Harrison told him what to do, or FF would have DEFINITELY hit the fantasy suite with Ali before telling her, you KNOW he would have. Fucking asshole.
Commercials. I think we all need a breather. I know I do.
Sad music. This is going to be horrible. Poor Ali voiceovers that her date with FF is the most important because of their amazing connection. She’s
head over heels for him. She’s taking him sailing and she can’t wait. They meet and hug. FF needs to talk. Ali knows something really bad is about to happen. FF stares at her. She encourages him. TELL HER YOU PUSSY. He’s nervous, oh BOO HOO. “What’s going on???” Ali trembles. He speaks of their relationship in the past tense, about how great everything WAS how he WAS falling for her, etc. Something was holding him back. LIES. ALL LIES. It was unresolved feelings for his ex, he finally admits. It wasn’t until the hometown date when his family loved Ali that he realized that he needed to destroy her. So he went to Chicago and reconciled with Nicole before coming to Tahiti. Ali can’t even look at him. She’s crying. I feel like crying. AND STABBING FRANK IN THE FACE. He’s sorry. NO HE’S NOT. He loves being with her, but it’s all Nicole. Why didn’t he SAY SOMETHING, Ali cries. She was so excited to see him. She feels that every second she had, she was validating him and her feelings for him, but all he did was pull away. FF “cries.” BUUUUUUUUUUUULLSHIT. If he had known sooner, he would have told her sooner, but he was falling in love with her. Well which one was it?! Were you realizing your feelings for Nicole, or were you falling in love with Ali? YOU CAN’T HAVE BOTH, FF. Ali calls him selfish. YES. She has given up everything. So has he. “APPARENTLY NOT EVERYTHING,” Ali zings back. YES! Go Ali! Rip him a new one! He says he’s sorry. That’s crap. She doesn’t want to leave because she knows she’ll never talk to him again. She cannot believe he’s doing this. He asks for forgiveness someday. HOW DARE HE. Ali hugs him (!?!??!) sobs, and leaves. This is awful. I wish she had the strength to scream and yell and shove his stupid face in the sand and KILL HIM TILL HE’S ALL DEAD, but all she can do is walk away and cry.
Commercials. I need to take a walk. Or break some plates. One of those.
We’re back with Fucking Frank. He pisses and whines that it was 100 times worse than the worst. He loves Nicole, but he feels bad. Oh let me call the WAH-MBULANCE for you, Fucking Frank. Here’s Harrison to comfort Ali, thank Jebuddah. Ali is getting pissed. She thinks FF is a coward. WORD. Fucking Frank was hoping for a sense of relief (?!?!?!!?!?!???) but he feels horrible instead. We see him and his stupid backpack and suitcase walking away as he interviews that he hopes she’ll forgive him. WAIT A MINUTE WHY DID HE PACK ALL THAT SHIT? He was TOTALLY waiting to fuck her first!!!!!! I HATE FUCKING FRANK.
Harrison is the fucking MAN to Ali, who weeps that this always happens to her. Harrison tells her to go back to her room and take it easy. She interviews that this was supposed to be the day she fell in love with Frank. She doesn’t understand why FF didn’t TELL HER THE TRUTH, when she was so open and honest with everyone. Her trust is destroyed. He’s so selfish to let it get to this point, she sobs. WORD, ALI. She feels like he’s the biggest jerk she’s ever known. Good! She’s getting angrier by the second. She was ready for him to meet her parents and now she feels like there’s something wrong with HER, ah mah GAH Ali, NO!!!!!!! Don’t go down that road! It’s not your fault you fell for a douchebag, we’ve all done it! Do not blame yourself, Ali, go KILL FRANK WITH FIRE.
Commercials. Okay, here’s the thing. This is how much of a fucking asshole disgusting piece of shit Frank is. He had a HUGE backpack AND a wheeled suitcase. For what?!!!? One day where he tells Ali the truth, turns around and goes home? NO. He was ready to do the date, get to the fantasy suite, fuck Ali, meet her parents, and wait till the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND to tell her. Like, instead of proposing. THAT’S what all his luggage tells me. Fucking asshole. Fucking Frank embodies every douchebag cowardly man ever. I’m seriously re-living every bad breakup I’ve ever had. I want to beat Fucking Frank to death with a shovel, and I’ll happily put that on the internet and I hope he reads it. I HOPE YOU READ THAT, FUCKING FRANK.
We’re back. Ali was blindsided and FF leaving was her biggest nightmare coming true. So now she needs to make sure that CCC and Robbo are committed to staying with her. That’s the spirit, Ali! Here’s Harrison to take care of bidness. She tells him she woke up pretty sad, and Harrison sagely asks if it was FRANK or if it was WHAT FRANK DID TO HER that’s upsetting her more. It scares her that she doesn’t know what she wants. It obviously wasn’t FF. She remembers a quote her friend told her: ”No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” YES! YES! It’s too late for them, even if FF came back. GOOD! I’m so proud of Ali. She has high hopes that her future husband is still there. So does Harrison. He thinks it’s important to have a rose ceremony tonight even if there are only two guys left. She needs to hear CCC and Robbo say they accept the roses. Word. Harrison tells her it’s up to her to tell the guys about FF. He hugs her and leaves.
Ali’s scared. She needs to make sure the guys want to be with her and just her. She really wants both guys to accept the roses. Sigh. I hate this show. I mean, I hate that I’m actually feeling real emotions right now. I should be snarking and instead I’m QUIVERING WITH FURY. Over a stupid television show that sucks. WTF?
Commercials. I’m exhausted. It’s a good god damn shame I’m single, because I really need a guy to reassure me RIGHT NOW that not every dude is like FF. Alas, there is no such guy, and so I rage on.
Okay, dudes. BE AWESOME to Ali tonight. Or I will KILL YOU BOTH WITH MY BARE HANDS. This is the most important rose ceremony ever. Ali needs to tell them about FF and that they’re getting roses because she wants them to be there. She needs them to commit. Tonight. Harrison tells the guys something obviously happened and he wants Ali to tell them. She comes in and says that she never had a date with Frank, because he had “things back home to deal with” and that “it is what it is.” He’s gone. She’s so grateful that she has them both here. Honor and respect is what she’s looking for, and she has it in them. Way to be an adult, Ali! The rose ceremony is for them to accept her back. The boys are GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR. They don’t have a clue what happened, but they know they’re both safe as houses. Stop grinning, boys, it’s not attractive at all right now. GAH.
Fucking roses. She chooses CCC first! That means she would have dumped Robbo! FOR FRANK!!!!!!! Oh poor, deluded Ali, this was the best thing that ever could have happened to you. The boys accept the roses. She’s so happy that they did. She’s ready to let everything go and move forward with the two remaining guys. So they’re off to Bora Bora, where her family is, and the boys will be meeting them.
That was really interesting. Ali could have played the sympathy card, but she didn’t, and I appreciate that. All she said was that FF was gone, and that’s really all that mattered. I don’t know if I would have been so mature about it. Hats off, Ali. And hats off to banging both the guys, too. Gotta find out who’s better in bed, I mean, seriously. It’s important. And FUCK FRANK and every dude like him, especially all the ones I’ve dated. And the ones y’all have dated. We’re all in this together, yanno. No matter who Ali chooses she dodged the biggest, douchiest bullet in the universe tonight, and I think she realizes it. Good on her.
Next week. ZOMG NEXT WEEK IS THE REUNION SHOW, Y’ALL. We don’t even get clips from it. AWESOME. It’s going to be AWESOME. I’ll be way way snarkier next week, dudes. Seeing all those douches again will be GREAT. But will FF be there??? If he shows his filthy face I will lose my MIND, Y’ALL. I can’t wait! Now hit those comments!!!
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Miss Banshee meant what she said about the shovel.
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