Big Brother 12: Episode 1 – Meet The House Guests!

Ah, summer.  Tis the season for backyard barbecues, ladies in itty bitty bikinis, and guys lubing up their freshly waxed, orange chests so the sun can reflect just right.  It’s a time for chicken fights in the pool, getting tanked on fruity drinks in a lounge chair, and for public hissy fits.  That’s right.  It’s time to check your dignity and self respect at the door.  It’s time for Big Brother!

Episode 1 – Part 1 – Let’s meet this year’s houseguests.  If this year is anything like the past 11 seasons of Big Brother, and, frankly, like any other reality competition over the past gajillion years, there will be an equal number of young, single, attractive men and women with loosey goosey morals, and one or two “persons of age” but no less attractive, so that CBS can call Shinanegans when they get accused of ageism.

The Guests:

Andrew is ALL about being Jewish.  Rachel says he wears a Yom Kippur.  We’ll meet her later (spoiler: she not so much with the smart).

Annie likes the girls and the boys.  All of them.  She’s one of this year’s firecrackers, I can tell.

Brendon is Superman because he has muscles.  Ragan loves him with all his heart.  We’ll meet him later (spoiler: he’s gay).

Britney is the baby of the house and is recently engaged.  All the dudes are sad because she’s super cute.

Enzo is from Jersey, loves meatballs, and wants to marry his mom.  Really.  He said that.  Oh, I hope he stays for a while because it will be like a Big Brother/Jersey Shore mashup.

Hayden is trying to have Beiber hair, but it’s not working.  Looks more like hay, but I think the girls in the house might like it. 

Kathy says she’s 40, but she’s a dirty liar because no she’s not.  She doesn’t look a day over 28, but she gets the quote of the night with “anything you do or say will get misquoted and used against you,” so I forgive her.

Kristin claims to being a model.  I don’t buy it.  She has one wonky eye, which is going to be distracting.  But not as distracting as Rachel’s boobs.  You’ll meet those later (spoiler: they’re perky).

Lane is stupid and he knows it (clap your hands).  Says he doesn’t like using his brain.  Good luck to him in this game.

Matt is a certified genius.  Matt is a certified genius.  Matt is a certified genius.  Annoyed yet?  I think we’re going to hear that a lot this season.

Monet is a crazy cat lady and runs weird.  I think she might be nice, but I can’t hear her over the image of her chicken run around the house, looking for a vacant bedroom.  It’s so loud.

Ragan is awesome because he wears a bowtie.  Bowties trump everything.  Especially when you’re a cute, gay, smiley, bowtie wearing kind of guy.

And then we meet Rachel.  Rachel is boob city.  Monet says so.  Enzo says she’s got weapons.  She also found the tightest dress she could squeeze into for tonight’s premier.  I’m impressed at the solid construction it’s taking for the dress not to burst.

Part 2 – Let the games BEGIN!

Ok, here’s where we learn about this season’s twist - the Saboteur.  OH MY GOD IT’S JULIE!!!  Oh, Julie.  You so pretty.  Julie explains that the Saboteur is one of the house guests.  They have been assigned to perform various acts, as suggested by America, of sabotage on the house, competitions, and individuals.  The Saboteur doesn’t get to win!?!  Enzo is not the Saboteur because he hates rats.  The goal for the Saboteur is to make it half way and if they do that, they get $50,000.  If they get evicted, they get nothing.  The Saboteur Silhouette on the Big Brother tv appears and is scary as shit.  Like horror movie scary.  Rachel is worried about her future showmances.  That chick has her priorities in order.

First Head of Household competition.

Two teams of six, one person sits out and becomes the mascot.  Andrew volunteers and everyone is immediately suspicious because who VOLUNTEERS to not be Head of Household.  A Saboteur, perhaps?  Red and yellow shorts for the teams and a giant hot dog costume for Andrew.  Serves you right, Andrew.  I hope it’s Kosher enough for you.

* PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU I HAVEN’T MADE A WORD OF THIS UP *

The backyard has been transformed into a giant barbecue with two giant, hanging hot dog weiners on one end.  Rachel says she wants to jump on those two big weiners.  Hahaha.  Andrew will be safe from eviction, so joke’s on everyone who isn’t dressed like a hot dog.  Houseguests have to ride the weiners from one side to the other as the rest of the team members use a pully to assist.  Condiments are squirting through the air at the flying weiners to make them harder to mount. 

Swear to God, I couldn’t make this up if I tried.

This game is taking much longer than Big Brother expected, I’m sure.  These people just don’t know how to ride a weiner.

PAUSE!

Britney injures her leg when she falls off.   I’m pretty sure she’s faking for sympathy.  We’ll find out in two and two (commercial break).

Ok, so maybe she’s not faking, ’cause there’s a real medic.  But wait!  This is Big Brother.  There’s not supposed to be other people up in this joint!  No fair cheating.  Britney is out of the game and she’s all happy clappy about it. 

GAME ON!

Blah blah blah a whole lot of exhausted houseguests covered in ketchup.  Hayden wins.  Yay!  Hayden wins HOH and Monet wins $10,000 for being the first across on the winning team.  Big Brother clearly has money to burn this year.

Aaaaand commence manic, paranoid freak outs about who is going to be put up for eviction. 

Julie tells us to send in our Saboteur ideas and CBS will pick one per week.  I pick wedgies.  Wait.  That didn’t sound right.

Inside the living room, the lights go out.  All of them.  Enzo, in game mode, blames the Saboteur, but like Pavlov’s dog, Brendon immediately reachs for his toothbrush because it’s dark!  Bedtime!  Everyone thinks he must be the Saboteur because who would do something stupid like leave the room when the lights go out.  I think someone stupid would do something stupid like that.  Andrew thinks it would be funny to throw pillows.  Funny Fail.  JESUS H. CHRIST IT’S THE SABOTEUR SILHOUETTE AGAIN.  I’M FEELING SWEATY FROM FEAR. 

The lights come on and we happen upon a padlock.  The Saboteur has locked the food room!  Slop for everyone!  Day 1 and the first prank is starvation.  Shit just got real.

Tune in Sunday for nominations, Wednesday for POV, Thursday for eviction, and we’ll meet back here on Friday for a right proper snarking.

. . . . .

Jen O. expects the unexpected. She hopes the unexpected tastes like ice cream.