Week 3, folks. This week we see a lot of Andrew. I actually really like Andrew. I respect his dedication to his faith. I think he’s a nice guy who is misunderstood. I think he has kind, smiling eyes. And he really likes to clean and I have a house that could use a good scrubbing. But this week Andrew forgot what game he was playing. He let the excitement get to him. He needed a co-conspirator – someone to bounce his ideas off of and shoot them down as crazy before he got a chance to play them out – but he had none.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. First, let’s once again review Big Brother for the week, as I saw it, because basically that’s your only option here. Feel free to disagree in the comments section.
Sunday
We open to the HOH competition in full swing. Er, surf. The surf boards get shorter and steeper. Kathy falls first. Lane’s next. Kristen after that. More rain. Hayden’s fourth. He says he threw it. Um. Right. Britney’s fifth. That’s the list of Haves for the week. The rest, unless they win, will be Have Nots. They must win or starve.
Enzo falls, then Brendon. Andrew is out, which SUPER sucks for him because the slop is not kosher. But he made a deal with Ragan to not be put up or replaced.
Ragan asks the house to leave him and Matt alone to discuss strategy. Matt acts cocky, as he has for the whole competition. Says he can play all night; doesn’t need to make a deal. Must be the distractingly low center of gravity that makes it easier for him to balance. More freezing cold water dumped on their heads and, after more than 2 hours, Ragan falls, leaving Matt with the win.
“Matt, I wanna punch you in the face, but in a good way, man.” – Lane
In a welcome comedic interlude, Enzo and Britney have a very serious discussion regarding the proper pronunciation of the word ‘saw’. Britney (Beverly Hillbilly) says “sall”. Enzo (Joizy) says “sawr”. Personally, I say “saw”, but what the hell do I know?
Head of Household room reveal. GREAT HAMMER OF THOR. After hearing Matt’s letter from his wife, Andrew thinks her disease is real now. That doctor is such a sucker.
Immediately, The Brigade starts the strategy talk. Meow Meow wants Brendon and Rachel gone for obvious reasons. Matt wants Kathy gone because she voted for him last week. Hayden ducks out real quick because this isn’t important and he’s got better things to do with people who own vaginas.
Uh oh. Porny music. Must mean Hayden and Kristen are making out. Oh! Yes. They’re k-i-s-s-i-n-g.
The rest of The Brigade is suspicious of Hayden and Kristen. Lane thinks they’re siblings. Enzo thinks they’re cousins. I’m getting so grossed out by this crazy talk. If I was in the house with my brother, no offence Bro-han (I totally don’t call him Bro-han), but I don’t think I’d be sneaking around the house hiding in rooms alone with him.
And now there’s more dirtiness with a porno version of haircutting between Rachel and Brendon, but he’s cock-blocked by Andrew, who’s vacuuming the hair. Then they’re getting frisky in bed and Andrew just walks in like nothing’s going on. Then it’s night and they’re sucking face and in walks Andrew! Surprise! This time they say screw it and just keep going. If they’re not willing to make out in front of Andrew, they’ll never get to make out.
Lane roll plays with cattle and horses when he’s at home. No context needed. Mostly because none was given. Just an FYI.
The Have Nots get baby food and bok choy. KOSHER baby food, so…yay! Andrew doesn’t even need a spoon! Straight from the jar, bitches.
Nomination ceremony. Matt puts up Kathy and Andrew.
Wednesday
Everyone is in shock that Matt didn’t put up Brendon and Rachel, but he says that he’s going to do what he needs to do to win the half million dollars.
Meanwhile, Andrew is LOSING IT as a Have Not. Losing it, and losing it on Rachel’s head. Calling her selfish because she put peaches in the iced tea because then Have Nots can’t drink it.
The rest of the Brigade confronts Matt about not putting up Brendon and Rachel. He decides that, given the opportunity, he’ll backdoor one of them.
Veto competition – Matt, Kathy, Andrew, Brendon, Lane and Rachel play. Enzo hosts. The houseguests wait around for what seems like HOURS for the producers to set up the competition. A lot of life lessons are learned while they wait. For example, Lane learns that Orthodox Jewish men wear ninja outfits when they pray. In return, Lane educates the house about how things work in Texas. A game called Spotlighting is popular. You drive around getting loopy on beer and when you come across something whose eyes glow in your headlights, you shoot it. Dead.
It’s finally time to play. Our host Enzo is dressed as Aladdin. I am so glad Enzo was chosen as host because we get to hear him say “Vedo playuhs…” The Vedo playuhs must look at different stations and memorize what they see. It’s likely a counting competition, which is why Matt, The Diabolical Super Genius, reveals that he don’t count real good. The players answer questions, the answers are numbers. Then they must stay or fold. Stay they compete and risk elimination, fold they skip that round, play the next. Poker-like.
In true Big Brother fashion, the game comes down to one of the nominees and the two people they don’t want to win. Oh, shoot. Brendon wins. That means he won’t use it and they won’t get to backdoor either of them.
“The house is being taken over by Brenchel.” – Brendon
Brenchel make out to celebrate.
Matt gets ousted as The Brains of the Brigade. He’s renamed The Gremlin. Likely because he’s such a tiny, tiny man who does stupid things. And, who knows, maybe he multiplies in water, hates bright lights, and is forbidden from eating after midnight.
Brendon doesn’t use the Veto, but in his speech, Andrew says that he will be coming after Brendon and Rachel, and proceeds to ask Brendon to use the Veto on him. He’s trying to fool the house into believing that he’s valuable to the household and on their side of the “Brenchel” hate. But the truth is he’s on Brendon’s team and is just using that as a play to stay in the house.
Thursday
The whole house is in shock over Andrew’s speech, which means it might work. Or not.
Turns out everyone knows that Andrew was just faking the speech to gain votes. Matt lets him know that everyone is suspicious. Oy vey. Andrew is worried.
The lovers are in a tiff because Rachel is upset that there were secrets. What was that I just heard? JESUS IN A TUXEDO T-SHIRT. I’m not sure I heard that right. Brendon loves Rachel. He said the ‘L’ word. I kind of want to high five Rachel for not reacting. And I kind of want to bitch slap Brendon for saying it in the first place.
Kathy confides in Ragan and Kristen that she is in the house because she has spent all her money on chemo therapy and she wants the money for her son’s education.
Andrew is very emotional because he feels alone. He’s not connected with anyone. He walks into the washroom with Kristen and Kathy and warns them to stop playing him like a fiddle. Which…what? Not sure what. Kristen and Andrew have a private conversation that quickly becomes a screaming match that everyone in the house can’t help but listen to anyway.
Considerations are made to keep Andrew because he’s made himself such a big target between the bizarre speech at the Veto ceremony and the hissy fit with Kristen and would keep the heat off everyone else.
During a live portion of the episode, Julie reveals that no one is on slop next week! Julie made it so! Just for one week, though. Don’t get comfortable with the eating.
The nominees get their chance to make a last-ditch-effort speech. Kathy is lovely and loves everyone and the room is filled with love. EXPLOSION!!! Andrew takes advantage of his speech to out Kristen and Hayden as a couple. He tells the house who they’re going after, who they hate, who they make fun of. He says that he’s gunning for Kristen and Hayden.
FURY! ANGER! OUTRAGE!
Ragan votes to institutionalize and evict Andrew. Ragan is my new gay boyfriend.
Unanimously, Andrew is evicted from the house. That speech had to be the dumbest move in Big Brother history. Insult every single person in the house BEFORE they vote. And just because you say ‘they said it, not me’, doesn’t mean you’re not insulting them.
In the eviction videos, Rachel is the only one not sad to see Andrew go because she felt he was coming between her and her man. GIRL. *slap slap* Andrew is a MARRIED, HETEROSEXUAL MAN. There’s such thing as being a friend. Dudes with girlfriends can have FRIENDS. GAAAAAH!!!! *BRAIN EXPLOSION*
HOH Competition – Big Brother Knockout. Answer questions based on previous competitions. It comes down to Rachel v. Lane. OF COURSE, Rachel wins again. Un-effing-believable. The dumbest person in the house, man OR woman, wins for the second time.
Julie tells us of Pandora’s box – America votes for a new Saboteur. The houseguest who gets the most votes gets the opportunity to be the Saboteur (they may decline). This has to be CBS’s plan B because without the Saboteur this season has been SO boring. Oh wait. The Saboteur left first. That means it’s been SO boring all season. Another Saboteur is SURE to pick it up. Fingers crossed.
As the cameras spy on the house after Rachel’s win, we see Kristen and Rachel eating each other’s faces off and it just starts to get good when Rachel threatens nominations and then they get cut off.
And that’s it! Two people were nominated, some stuff happened, somebody got evicted. The end!
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