Marvin Gaye Helps Make Babies, This Playlist Will Too

The candles are lit. The lights are off. Yeah, you know exactly what time it is. Yep, it’s sexy time. You hop into bed with nothing but pure silence surrounding you. Something is wrong. Your awkwardness needs something to mask it. And that’s when you push play. Marvin starts singing the praises of Sexual Healing. Your lovah, lovah looks at you with those “I’m gonna have your baby” eyes. The shit is about to get real.

Okay, that’s what used to happen around my house. Now? Well, with two small children, sexy time is a very calculated move. You plan ahead of time. When? Where? How? We must be quiet! Shhhh! You’ll wake the baby! Oh the irony. The direct result of sexy time ends up being that you never get to actually have the sexy time. Why, god? Why?!

For those of you that have grown children, no children, or a good lock on your bedroom door, I’ve designed a playlist with nothing but sexy time in mind. This is for everyone that occasionally has a tingle in their naughty parts. So, grab a partner, dim the lights, and let the audible sexy times commence.

1. “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye

If I even have to start to explain why this is on the list, you don’t deserve to have sexy time. Matter of fact, your license to use your giblets has now been revoked. Now get back to your mother’s basement.

2. “Glycerine” by Bush

The lyrics of this song are all over the place. Truthfully, I don’t even know what they mean. I like the rhythm though and it makes me want to get all sexified. Give it a try. Thank me later.

3. “Nobody” by Keith Sweat

If you were getting some action in 1996, this song was on in the background. If you weren’t getting any action, you have no clue what I am talking about. Again, back to your mother’s basement.

4. “Turn Me On” by Nora Jones

Nora’s voice make you feel sexy. Sometimes, she makes you feel sexier than you actually are. The good part? You ARE actually sexier when you are listening to this song. Enjoy responsibly.

5. “That’s The Way Love Goes” by Janet Jackson

It’s Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty. Janet certainly knows how to induce some naughty thoughts. This song is no exception.

6. “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails

Yes, I know this is the most stereotypical stripper song out of the bunch. But, it is plainly stated and if it’s good enough for a peeler, it’s good enough for me.

7. “That’s What It’s Made For” by Usher

Mr. Usher Raymond makes the ladies go wild. We know this. This song, however, will make everyone go wild. Why? That’s what it’s made for, stupid.

8. “Red Light Special” by TLC

Ah, those crafty ladies of TLC and their sexy time songs. With references to the “Southern Route”, you’ll have no choice in the matter. Prepare yourself.

9. “Wicked Game” by Chris Issak

Flashback to 1989. Now, sit down and turn on MTV. This is the only video known to man that makes sex on the beach actually look appealing to men and women alike.

10. “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye

Marvin Gaye twice on the same list? You bet your ass. Marvin was the king of sexy time. He owned it and probably still has the patent. One of his songs alone, can repopulate a whole village. Respect, folks. Respect.

Now, you have no choice but to push play and let the sexy times roll. I will take all the credit for your improved sex life. However, I will not be taking part in any paternity suits. Enjoy at your own risk.

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TJ hopes you use this playlist to combat the forces of evil.