I know. I KNOW. I’m sick of reading about this fuckface too. But. The fact is that once upon a time, I actually thought his face was more of a handsomeface. My mom and I shared a mutual dreamboat thing over him — though I think she was more attracted to him because he’d been married for a long time and had a bunch of kids and went to church and shit, SIGH — but now, like many of you, I have sworn off anything this horrible, hateful man has ever done or ever will do. I AM OF THE INTERNET. I HOLD A GRUDGE.
And sure, maybe in a few years we can have the whole “appreciate the art separate from the artist” discussion, but right now, the fact is that this man’s voice makes my skin crawl, and his face makes me stabby, and thus, his movies are just…no. I can’t, and I won’t.
But really, are we actually losing anything? Does Mel have that many really awesome, amazing movies that will pain us to live without? Off the top of my head, I could concede (some of) the Lethal Weapon movies, and I think my husband liked Mad Max, but beyond that, I was at a loss as to what else he’d done to inspire any feelings of A-lister affection. So…let’s look at IMDB and see if there’s anything that’s now Mel-tainted that we actualy care about:
(NOTE: I omitted shit I’d never heard of, or stuff he didn’t really “star” in, more or less.)
The Year of Living Dangerously (1982)
Never saw it. Though I always meant to, because I heard good things. OH WELL.
Bird on a Wire (1990)
Saw it at a sleepover in junior high. Fell asleep. Anyone remember how it ended?
Air America (1990)
OH MAN. Mel and Robert Downey Jr. and some TREMENDOUS bouffant-y hair. That’s all I remember about it, except that the title is now almost impossible to say without adding a FUCK YEAH! to the end.
BONUS: IMDB lists the movie’s original tagline as “The Few. The Proud. The Totally Insane.” Oh, Jesus.
Hamlet (1990)
Okay, I think I owned this one on VHS because my dad was an English teacher and…and…I dunno. I convinced him I wanted it for educational purposes. I haven’t seen it in YEARS, though, and wonder if Gibson’s Hamlet holds up better than Keanu’s turn in Much Ado About Nothing. I mostly remember it for that part in Clueless where Cher referenced it to totally pwn Paul Rudd’s obnoxious girlfriend.
Forever Young (1992)
OH MY GOD, do you remember this one? Aa super-secret military 1939 cryogenics experiment as the backdrop for a sweeping loooooooove story and truly ridiculous old-age prosthetics?
Did you know that it was written by J.J. Fucking Abrams? FACT.
The Chili Con Carne Club (1993)
No idea. I just like the title.
The Man Without a Face (1993)
Dude, okay, Gibson really likes parts where he gets to wear a lot of prosthetic makeup. Let’s analyze that! (Or, analyze that Mel’s directing debut chose to downplay much of the original novel’s themes of molestation and homophobia.)
BWA HA HA HA.
Maverick (1994)
FINALLY. A movie that I remember genuine affection for, and one that I’ve actually seen in recent years and still enjoyed. Though I think the inclusion of Jodie Foster and James Garner get a lot of credit here.
Braveheart (1995)
Never saw it. This one was the first of several Gibson movies that are simply too violent for my delicate self.
Pocahontas (voice, 1995)
Never saw it. Thinking my kids will survive just fine without seeing this one too, because honestly? Disembodied Mel Voice does NOT have good connotations for me anymore.
Ransom (1996)
GIVE ME BACK MY SON!!11! Ha. Yeah. Never had any desire to watch this one again.
Conspiracy Theory (1997)
I saw this in the theater, because…I don’t know. I was still went to see movies in the theater no matter what they were. It was…kind of a forgettable mess, from what I remember.
Payback (1999)
And that’s way more than I can remember about this one, which I know I saw, but am drawing a complete blank on.
Chicken Run (voice, 2000)
DAMMIT. I LOVE THIS ONE. FUCK YOU GIBSON.
The Patriot (2000)
Never saw it. My dad did. He said it was bloody. My dad is a fan of the Understatement.
What Women Want (2000)
Saw this one. What do women want? NOT THIS MOVIE. So lame.
We Were Soldiers (2002)
Mel continues his string of Making Movies My Dad Saw, But Said I Probably Wouldn’t LIke.
Signs (2002)
Bitch, please.
And then…that’s pretty much it. We have Passion of the Christ in 2004, and Apocalypto in 2006, never of which I saw, nor ever had any intention of seeing EVER, Are You Kidding Me, Holy Shit. His acting credits since are far and few between, in stuff most of us probably never saw, including a failed TV series called Complete Savages and a turn as “Anger Management Therapy Patient” in 2004′s Paparazzi.
VERDICT: I will actually mourn the loss of Chicken Run, but unfortunately one listen to Mel’s horrible rants puts even his voiceover work in the ICKS ME OUT category. Maybe I’ll get in dubbed in Spanish. Maverick was kind of charming, but maybe I’ll just re-watch The Sting or Ocean’s Eleven if I’m in the mood for a good caper flick. Everything else? Pfft. Sorry, Mel, you are not the national treasure you probably think you are. Maybe you and Jesse James can team up and write a buddy cop movie called We Were Racists: Team Worst People in America Fuck Yeah or something.
(I still won’t go see it, but I’ll totally make fun of the trailer if you put it on YouTube.)
TOP POSTS
About Amy Corbett Storch
