Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Welcome to Cleavelege Edition

In the fourteen days between Real Housewives of New Jersey episodes, the world changed in innumerable ways. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner died… Mel Gibson was unveiled as even more of a colossal fucking jackass than we’d previously thought him to be… and M. Night Shyamalan destroyed – once and for all – any hope that he was capable of not sucking. That’s a busy two weeks, friends, and perhaps a good indication of why it was such a reassuringly welcome sensation to snuggle back into the familiar comforts of our favorite Garden State housewives.

Thank Horus Krst, however, that the good people at Bravo decided not to ease us back into the RHoNJ mindset — instead launching us into motion with a suddenness and ferocity that one can only imagine is comparable to the sensation of a Cape Kennedy launch. If, y’know, Cape Kennedy launches involved rich women in furs chasing each other through a country club. Let’s begin!

• We launch with a pre-show flashback to last week: in which our beloved PROSTITUTIONWHORE! prepares for the big Upscale Whore Store fashion show by trying on a new pair of fancy shoes and boasting, “I’m not gonna be runnin’ from no one!” Think again, Brainiac.
• Which brings us back to the here-and-now, and… where were we? Oh, right: PuffyChucky abruptly going batshit ballistic on PW.
• Apparently, PuffyChucky batshit ballistic includes an energetic Men on Film-style fingersnap as well as a boast that she’s straight outta Peterson. Or Patterson. I’m not sure, but I’m guessing either way Eazy-E woudn’t have been too impressed.
• Verbal jousting: PuffyChucky energetically declares,“I live in a five million dollar house, bitch!” PROSTITUTIONWHORE’s rejoinder: “IT’S IN FORECLOSURE!”
• Score one for the PROSTITUTIONWHORE!
• Moments later, as PuffyChucky quite literally chases PROSTITUTIONWHORE! through the North Jersey Country Club, screaming like a lunatic, she justifies her actions with, “I read your court records, Danielle! You beat someone with a 9mm pistol!”
• Which, for all we know, is the kind of thing that happens all the time at the North Jersey Country Club.
• Women chasing each other and screaming like lunatics, that is. Or pistol-whipping, for that matter. Either one, really.
• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is, perhaps justifiably, terrified, and subsequently running for her life. Tragically, she is somewhat hobbled by the fact that the heels on her shoes are broken.
• She is like a bird with a broken wing. A skinny, psychotic PROSTITUTIONWHORE! bird with a broken wing.
• Eventually, PW escapes outside — only to be confronted by Horrible Nightmare Daughter (HND) Ashley, who… uh… well: she proceeds to pull the weave out of PW’s hair.
• Did I say “Wow” yet? If not, I probably should. Wow.
• But we’re not done yet! OH MY GOD. PuffyChucky is suddenly outside CHASING AFTER PROSTITUTIONWHORE! as she tries to get away.
• This is like a roadrunner cartoon, except for the fact that both parties here are the coyote.
• Aside from Mom: “I feel like I’m in freakin’ high school. This is so stupid.”
• PuffyChucky protests that she’s not trying to kill PROSTITUTIONWHORE!, but rather seeks dialogue. “I want to talk to the bitch.”
• Meanwhile, Mom expresses some displeasure that her daughter involved herself in the fiasco. HND responds in the way we’ve come to know and despise: “I love how you picked Danielle over your own daughter. She’s a bitch, and that’s why I pulled her hair!” Yeah, the logic’s a little shaky, but at least she expresses herself with gusto.
• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! jumps into Kim G’s giant black Bentley, weeping hysterically, and howls that she’s been violated by Ashley and… uh… Jacqueline (Mom). Huh? Never mind — this is no place for logic. Let’s just roll with it.
• PW calls 911 and demands to have everyone arrested. Kim G – to her credit – gets her to hang up the phone before things progress any farther. Which she does, only to call them again as soon as Kim G leaves the car.
• Meanwhile, HND is telling EVERYONE that she pulled PW’s hair. It’s pretty clear she thinks she’s a badass.
• Apparently, she missed school on the day when they taught that whole thing about “if you commit a felony, don’t admit it on national TV.”
• Although she’s now claiming she committed the assault in order to protect her mother. Huh?
• Sorry. Still trying to apply logic. My bad.
• And with that, 3 cop cars show up at the North Jersey Country Club. Aasaaaand… commercial!
• Phew. I’ll take this momentary breather to point out that “My House Is Not In Foreclosure, Bitch!” is almost certainly going on my Christmas card this year.
• We’re back! PW is sitting in Kim G’s black Bentley. She’s so upset she can’t talk. And then we get the flashback scene, where she’s still so upset that she can’t talk. Nevertheless, she still manages to be absurdly overdramatic and annoying. That’s a sign of true character, right there.
• The cop asks HND if she pulled PROSTITUTIONWHORE’s hair. Without thinking – which, clearly, is how she runs pretty much all aspects of her life – she responds: “I did, because I thought she hit my mom.”
• Although she then clarifies: “I grabbed her extension, so that doesn’t really count.”
• Ashley StupidGirl: Attorney at Law.
• Sweet mercy… and with that, the party comes to an end and we fast-forward to the next day, when Mom and PuffyChucky come over to Sharon Osbourne’s house to recap the events of the previous evening.
• Meanwhile, PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is meeting with her pal Danny, aka Richie Stab-bora.
• Which leads into a long, horrifying flip-flop back and forth between the two scenes, offering a he-said/she-said perspective on the aforementioned clusterfuck, and… crimony.
• Seriously: why do I even watch this show? I’m both fascinated and repulsed at the same time. It’s like driving past a car crash on the highway. I’m embarrassed to find myself engrossed. This is rapidly devolving from guilty pleasure into full-on guilt-inducing experience.
• Y’know, I should probably be doing something productive with this time. Like manscaping, or learning how to knit.
• Although I’ve gotta ask… am I alone in hoping that PROSTITUTIONWHORE! will show us the alleged bald spot on the back of her head? I WANT PROOF, PROSTITUTIONWHORE!
• Although, bald spot or not, that sure looks like assault to me. Still: I think we deserve to see the bald spot. We’ve been through a lot together, and I think full disclosure is warranted.
• Commercial, and then it returns to… egads. A scene with Sharon Osbourne’s son talking to someone about possibly getting booted out of law school and and…. Sngggzzzzzzzz…
• BRAVO! What? The? Fuck? You segue directly from the most batshit crazy 10 minutes of reality TV ever broadcast… into the dead stop of an incredibly boring scene with one of the housewives’ incredibly boring children? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? You’re not even choosing the right children. HND? Is stupid, arrogant, violent, reprehensible and – without a doubt – someone I’d be rooting to see macheted if this was Real Housewives of Camp Crystal Lake… but she is NOT boring. Sharon Osbourne’s kids? Snoozefest. STOP BORING US, BRAVO.
• ENERGISM. Um. Huh?
• Yes. PROSTITUTIONWHORE! has an energist. Which is like an allergist with, like, a completely imaginary degree.
• Which makes an energism something like an orgasm, except it’s non-organic. It’s an energy-only orgasm. A meta-gasm.
• Meanwhile, the energist is offering to talk to Mom about… something. Not sure. Still deep in contemplation of the meta-gasm.
• Speaking of meta-gasms… we’re back to Chez PuffyChucky (NOT! IN! FORECLOSURE!) where she’s discussing the events of the previous evening with the mumbling homunculus who fathered her children.
• MY GOD. When PuffyChucky mentions that PW yelled about the foreclosure… the homunculus looks embarrassed. And she… she suddenly becomes aware that he’s uncomfortable. So she starts play-acting out the events, playing up the comedic/absurd elements, trying to make him feel better…
• Wow. An actual scene of their marriage at work. That was kind of fascinating.
• Almost – but not quite – enough to redeem Bravo for the long, boring scene with Sharon Osbourne’s son. You’re still on double-secret probation, Bravo. Consider yourself warned.
• The energist calls Mom, describing herself as the personal trainer for Danielle’s spirit. It’s like Jazzercize, only with less leotards and more stillness and meditation.
• The energist offers to help level off some of the energies that Mom is feeling in regards to PW. Apparently, she can do this over the phone. It’s like telemarking, only in a spiritually nourishing sense. Mom – showing an entirely proper amount of respect – gently patronizes the energist while sitting in her Range Rover, playing an iPhone game, and waiting for the goofiness to end.
• Wait… wait! Aura-gasm! That’s it! That’s what we’re working towards!
• If you learn nothing else from this post today, remember this: aura-gasm. Now available on iPhone.
• Commercial, then a quick scene of PuffyChucky continuing to try to make her homunculus feel better. By rubbing her large artificial boobs on a pool table. “Cleavelege!” she declares.
• I’m pretty sure Cleavelege is now my favorite city in Ohio.
• Then again, I’m pretty sure Cleavelage is now everyone’s favorite city in Ohio.
• Back to Sharon Osbourne, talking to her son about law school and…
• (eyes rolling back in head)
• (fading. out. of. consciousness.)
• (drooooooooooling)
• (puddle growing on chest. it’s a small pond. of drool.)
• Back to PROSTITUTIONWHORE!
• She meets up with Kim G in… um.. a diner.
• I’m betting there’s probably a limited number of huge black Bentleys parked outside the diner. Just a guess, really.
• PW: “You cannot lay hands on people that way. There are laws protecting people from that.” She’s right, actually.
• I hate it when PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is right.
• Okay… now I’m excited. Why? Because now we get to watch Mom and her husband Chris talk to Horrible Nightmare Daughter Ashley about the showdown. HND: “I’m 18. I can do whatever I want to.” Mom: “No, you can’t. There are consequences.”
• Chris: “Mom can defend herself. I’m not saying your’re a terrible daughter. But just because you’re 18, that doesn’t give you the right to do whatever you want to do. If you get in trouble for this… are you gonna take care of this? Do you have the money to take care of it?”
• HND goes deer in the headlights at this suggestion. I should also mention that she’s wearing ridiculous zebra PJs throughout the entirety of this discussion.
• She finally responds by blaming her mother for laughing at the FB post she put up after the fiasco: “Last night was unbe-weave-able.”
• Which, granted, is kind of funny.
• Also: stupid, when you type it right after talking to the cops about assaulting someone.
• When Mom points out that posting that note on FB was stupid, HND gets defensive, and then tries to turn the table on Mom. “You laughed!” True, but…
• Ashley starts lashing out at Mom. Things are getting ugly, quickly… and then Chris steps in and shuts the whole thing down: “Why don’t you try getting a little more respectful. SHUT YOUR MOUTH, how about that.”
• That triggers a long… wow. I can’t even begin to get all of this down, but Chris reads her the riot act – he’s 100% correct, btw – and tells her that the next time she pulls something this stupid, he’s gonna kick her out.
• CHRIS! CHRIS! CHRIS! MVP! MVP! MVP!
• Although “Cleavelege” is gonna be hard to overcome.
• Hypothesis: Cleavelege is where they build aura-gasms. There’s a factory and everything.
• Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

. . . . .

Hot damn! That was action-packed! Was it as good as the table-flipping of Season One? Perhaps — that’s worthy of debate. Tell you what: I want your feedback on the following things:

1. Was the chase & weave-pull better than the table-flip?

2. If not… is there anything that could conceivably be better than the table flip? Or have we already topped out?

3. In a slasher flick, how would you most like to see HND Ashley dispatched? Get creative on this one.

. . . . .

TwoBusy is pretty sure that Cleavelege is the happiest place on earth.