Top Chef DC Recap: Episode 5 – Cold War

I thought it was offal.

That lede is so much funnier when I say it out loud.

But really, when I saw Michelle Bernstein and this

for the quickfire challenge I thought, oh, this is the offal challenge. But I wasn’t thinking, because this

isn’t offal. This is exotic game.

The chefs draw knives to determine who will cook crap like cayman, yak, rattlesnake, emu eggs and the like.

But first! Andrea keeps smirking at our guest judge. Oh right… Andrea and Michelle Bernstein are both from Miami. Andrea says that she and Michelle are rivals.

ORLY?

The live studio audience at my house (me, Laurie and my husband) wondered aloud if these two ladies are on the same playing field why is Andrea a contestant on Top Chef Season 7, while Michelle Bernstein is a judge every season? Huh? HUH?

Exactly.

Each chef gets a crazy protein and they all act like this is the worst thing that could happen (except Alex, who gets to pick first and gets foie gras) but it isn’t! Halfway through cooking they have to switch and continue cooking the dish to their left.

Burn those guys.

What valuable lesson did we learn today on Top Chef? We learned not to bitch about what you have because it could suddenly become significantly worse.

Guess what else we learned? Duck white kidneys aren’t kidneys at all. They are, in fact, duck testicles.

Now you know.

Also – heh. I just wrote duck testicles.

Kelly wins the quick fire with a simple emu egg omelet.

BREAKING NEWS: My daughter just asked me if this looked like her.

No, sweetie. It doesn’t look like you at all.

But you know who it does look like?

I guess this is how your life goes when your six-year-old children are forced to watch Top Chef episodes three times in a row.

Back to our show.

On to the elimination challenge. For our Cold War challenge each chef has to make a dish that is “best served cold” and the chefs are divided into two groups. Everyone in Group A has to serve their dishes to the judges AND everyone in Group B and vice versa. Each peer panel nominates one chef from the opposite group to win and one chef to be sent home.

I appreciate the twists, but if they keep going on this way I am going to need a white board or some sort of flow charting software to keep up with all of the crazy rules this season.

Kelly has immunity so she gets to eat all of the dishes.

But wait! There is more!

*goes downstairs, gets legal pad and a pack of highlighters*

We’re going on a cruise! Well, not you and I us, but the chefs and judges and camera and sound guys us.

Cast and crew are going to hop on the S.S. Sequoia and cruise the Potomac in order to plan their menus. This somehow has something to do with President Kennedy. Oh right, cold war.  Whatever. Boats are cool. I hope they don’t try to bring the Bay of Pigs into this. If it were me I’d make okroshka just to be subversive and I’d force the other cheftestants to refer to me as “The Red Menace.” I’d also yell out Russian words for no reason Tourettes style.

“Moja familija Johnson! Da! Da! Ja ne govorju po russki!”

That translates roughly to “My surname is Johnson. Yes. Yes. I don’t speak Russian.” The latter being true and the former being false.

Everyone plans their menus while Kenny is completely paranoid that his fellow chefs will use strategy to get him off of the show because he is clearly the front runner.

Of course his suspicions are completely founded in truth. There is all sorts of strategy. People don’t want Stephen to go home because they like his personality.

And yeah, they are after Kenny. Like Kurt Cobain said “Just because you’re paranoid, don’t mean they’re not after you.”

Ed thinks he is safe.

Alex finds cartilage in Amanda’s food, but he isn’t saying anything. This is a contest people.

Andrea is still concerned about the guest judge. I think if she could send Michelle Bernstein home she would.

Strategery abounds.

Let the wild rumpus start!

Angelo, Tamesha, Tiffany, Stephen and Andrea sit down to eat the other group’s dishes.

And could a producer give Tamesha a Claritin or some sort of decongestant? She sounds so stuffy that I want to hand her a tissue. There is no way she is going to be able to taste the other dishes with all of that junk in her head.

These five clowns are brutal judges! They are so harsh that Tom Colicchio actually laughs at them for being so harsh.

Ed secretly hopes that the other team sends Amanda home because – and I quote – “I think we’ve all had enough of her.” And while I agree with him, this is about being a good cook, not being a good person. Remember Hung? Marcel? Tiffani?

Did Angelo’s mom comb his hair for this episode? What is going on here? Did he lose a bet?

They choose Kevin as the winner and Kenny as the loser.

I see what you jerks are doing here. So does Tom. So does Padma. So does Gail.

I think Michelle Bernstein is giving Andrea dirty looks. What is up with these two? Did they used to date?

Kenny was hosed.

I have a question about these commercials. They cast Julia Roberts in “Eat, Pray, Love”? Why does she get to be in every movie? Do you think if my mouth was significantly larger I would get cast in more films?

Whatever. Back to Top Chef.

Angelo and Ed used to date the same girl. At the same time. I believe Ed’s exact words were “I used to bang his girlfriend.”

Stay classy, Ed.

Next team up. Next judges up.

This team is slightly kinder to their fellow chefs.

Slightly.

Angelo expresses concern that if his food has any problem it might be that his dish could be too intense.

Sarah expresses concern that Angelo’s skull might explode from his gigantic fucking ego.

Tamesha still sounds really stuffed up.

Tom tells this team of judges that the chefs they are about to rate were harsh critics.

Aren’t trios totally two years ago? Why are all of these chefs still doing duos and trios and things three ways?

In this group they nominate Tiffany for the winner and Tamesha to go home.

At the judges table Tiffany and Kevin are congratulated. Kevin wins and gets to go to Hawaii. Sweet.

Tamesha and Kenny have to go face the axe. Now, let’s be honest. At this point does anyone really think that they are going to send Kenny home?

I worried about it for about one second. Of course Tamesha couldn’t taste too much long pepper. Listen to her speak, with those allergies or that head cold or whatever she has going on there is no way her sense of taste is fully engaged.

Kenny tells the judges that he feels persecuted and Michelle Bernstein totally beats him down by saying that she just got here and his dish was far too complicated and that food just wasn’t good. BURN KENNY.

Tamesha goes home and Kenny remains to aggravate Angelo for another day.

Stay tuned next week when there is some sort of Ed and Tiffany kissy-facing as well as pea puree. Next week has everything.

[All photos from Bravo]

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Goon Squad Sarah is going to spend the rest of the afternoon playing Legos with her kids.