It seems like around the time Bill decided to do…whatever it is that he did to Lorena, hemade some kind of conscious decision along the lines of, “I’M GOING TO OVERDO EVERYTHING IN LIFE FROM THIS POINT ON!” Everything that he did in this episode was turned up to 11.His break-up call to Sookie, for example. Granted, his abrupt disappearance so shortly after the botched proposal left room for Sookie to wonder, so he needed to make sure that this dismissal of her was resolute. But…damn. Skipping right past the pleasantries of, “You’re a great girl. It’s not you, it’s me,” Bill goes straight for daggers like, “You mean nothing to me.” Well, damn, Bill tell her how you really feel. Go big or go home, right? In fact, he showed some restraint seeing as how he didn’t go to her house and kill a beloved relative or pet, not that Sookie really has any of those left, but hey. When she gets off of the phone, she starts to sob and actually says, “What does he mean he doesn’t want to be found?” And Alcide, who had been having his wounds dressed by Sookie and moping about his ex-fiance, Debbie, is like, “Uhhh…are you dense?” Also: Alcide is there. And he’s not wearing a shirt. To me, that means it’s time to say, “Bill who?” Sookie, picking up what I’m putting down, snuggles up to Alcide and comments on his very un-Bill-like warmth. Word.
Sam is still trying to catch with with BirdTommy and comes across his parents sleeping in a van in the parking lot of Merlotte’s. Man, if I had a nickel… They try to explain themselves. Fell on hard times…again. Tommy went out to try and help…again. “We ain’t askin’ for sympathy,” Sam’s mom assures him, which is good because I don’t think Sam is trying to give them any.
Franklin is still glamouring Tara and asks her if Jason is also a telepath, which makes Tara and the home audience cry-laugh. Under Franklin’s command, Tara calls Sookie and finds out where she is. After the phone call ends, Tara tries to run out the door, but Franklin pins her against the wall and viciously bites her in a way that felt like…well, it felt like rape to me.
At Russell’s mansion, Lorena is readjusting her neck (barf) and cooing about how awesome the sex was. Bill explains that any passion she felt was just her mistaken interpretation of him killing his love for Sookie. Bill’s voice is different. The tentative defiance that he used to speak to Lorena with is gone, replaced by icy anger and hate. He orders her to get the fuck out. When she giggles at his sudden command, he punches her squarely in the face, propelling her out of the room. Indifferent to the burns on his hands, he slams the silver doors shut. A simple, “Get the fuck out,” would have sufficed, Bill. No need to be so dramatic.
Eric appears at Sookie’s window (was this a nod to the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie?). It’s obviously a dream, as Sookie’s face is not red and puffy from crying and, I’m sorry, it takes a day for an ugly cry like hers to clear up. In another slash-fic-type scenario, Sookie “smells” Eric’s memories of his Nordic childhood and they passionately kiss and rip each other’s clothes off. Turns out, it was Eric doing the fantasizing while he watches Yvetta poledance with a bored expression on his face.
Sookie is babbling to Alcide about how she wants to go see Bill so that he can say all of that fucked up stuff to her face. This really doesn’t seem like a good idea, since Bill is now experimenting with domestic violence.
“Ring, ring, hooker. Ring, ring,” says Lafayette, as he calls to tell Tara about his new car. However, Tara is in a bathroom somewhere, not attempting suicide, but tied up and gagged and whimpering helplessly as her cell phone vibrates across the sink and falls in, out of her reach.
Alcide’s sister, Janice, shows up and is just over the moon about Sookie, mistakenly thinking that she is Alcide’s new beau. See, Sookie! Janice and I know opportunity when we see it! Anyway, Janice is there to give Sookie a makeover so that she can infiltrate Lou Pine’s without getting attacked…again. And if there’s one gal who can get you looking right to go to a werewolf bar, it’s a hairstylist from a small town in Mississippi. Sookie manages to eavesdrop on Janice’s thoughts and finds out that Debbie, Alcide’s ex, is getting initiated into that aggro pack of wolves and is addicted to V.
Sherriff Bud’s retirement party is happening at Merlotte’s and Bud announces Andy’s promotion into his position. Kenya notes that all you have to do to get promoted in Bon Temps is be an alcoholic, hallucinate barnyard animals, and kill a black man. Jason and Hoyt get annoyed by the new high school football stars who are loudly and drunkenly celebrating their quarterback…and, presumably, their ability to order pitchers of beer 10 feet away from all of the local law enforcement. Bon Temps has its perks, I guess. Jason saunters up to the QB, Kitch, and informs him of his future in Bon Temps as a football star has-been. It’s profound, but, like, Jason’s George-W.-Bushy kind of profound and Kitch doesn’t totally get what he’s on about. Nonetheless, Jason takes his pitcher of beer while calling Kitch a disrespectful fucktard. Meanwhile, Arlene has a meltdown about Sam’s piss-poor staffing skills.
Alcide seems all ready to take Bill’s place, too, as he calls Sookie, “Sookeh!” Anyway, Sookeh is all tarted up and ready to go to Lou Pine’s. Janice hooked her up with some tramp stamps and a halter top and a black wig. She looks ready for some lite beers and shots served in plastic test tubes. She informs Alcide of Debbie’s whereabouts and they head to Lou Pine’s.
At the mansion, Russell insists that Bill have a cigar with him and recites a quote that is something like, “A woman is just a woman, but a fine cigar is a good smoke.” Uhhh, what exactly are we talking about here, Russell? Anyway, Bill icily informs Russell that he wants Lorena gone. This is obviously a grave offense but Bill points out that if no one reports it then no biggie, right? Bill informs Russell that Eric is selling V at Sophie-Anne’s behest. Russell is pleased with this information because the Magister has been itching to crucify someone again.
Franklin returns to the motel with some flowers for Tara and coos, asking her if she missed him. Ugh. So fucking creepy.
Jessica is starting her first day at Merlotte’s, which I’m guessing means that she’ll be murdered in some dramatic fashion before long. Or she’ll start dating a serial killer. The wait staff at Merlotte’s seem to have a limited number of life paths. She’s pissy about having to be a hostess but Sam explains that you have to be 18 to serve alcohol in Louisiana. Which leads me to wonder about the football team again if Sam is such a stickler for the law. Arlene flips out at Sam again because this bar and grill ain’t big enough for TWO redheads and almost prematurely spills the beans about the bun in her red-clay tandoori oven. She lectures Sam about running his business like a charity just in time for Terry to inform him that his parents and brother are grilling in the parking lot. A friend from Jessica’s bible study group spots her and praises Jesus that she’s alive. I guess when the story is that you’re dead, getting a day job isn’t the best cover.
Lafayette is at what looks like a meth lab trying to unload a number of vials of V. The potential buyers are listening to a radio program that’s shouting stuff about Christianity and losing the country and prying guns from cold, dead hands and whatnot. Lafayette is either the dumbest or the bravest person that I’ve ever seen. Not surprisingly, this transaction goes horribly awry when some of the other guys hanging around start messing with Lafayette’s car and he offers to kick their asses. The guys start beating up Lafayette and look well on their way to HateCrimeVille.
Outside of Merlotte’s, Jessica is glamouring her bible study friend and explaining to him how he got a little lost and never even saw her. Hoyt happens upon this scene and is either to far away to hear their conversation and assumes some flirtation or knows what Jessica is up to and doesn’t like it. In either case, he looks pretty bummed out.
Eric swooshes out of the sky to come to Lafayette’s aid and orders the buyer to take the deal. “You’ll have to kill me first,” the buyer snarls. “No, I’ll kill all of your brother-cousins first,” Eric replies, then orders Lafayette into the car with a, “Let’s go, Ru Paul.”
Franklin drives a terrified Tara through the night. Tara demands answers from him, sounding for a second like she might gain some control in the situation, but her resolve disappears again when Franklin informs her that she belongs to him now.
Sam comes across a naked Tommy in the woods, hands him his clothes, and is all, “I know you got a rough deal being with our folks and think I got off easy.” I half expect Sam to continue, “Which is why I stole a man’s identity and helped to create an advertising empire!” Sam offers to help Tommy out, give him a place to live, give him a job (bet that would make Arlene happy). But Tommy is like, “Sam, I don’t know if you NOTICED or how many times you have to meet our parents to realize that they are kind of a mess and if I don’t take care of them, things will go completely to shit.” I appreciate where Tommy is coming from, but…ehhh…maybe it would be better to let them go? But Sam decides to offer his family a place to stay in his rental property on the condition that they stop drinking and stealing. Surely, this will end well.
Eric and Lafayette speed back to Bon Temps and Eric criticizes Lafayette’s dealership skills. Pam calls and informs Eric in Swedish that they’re being raided by the Magister. Eric hangs up and looks quietly alarmed. “I know I’m not a vampire and can’t speak whatever it is you speak, but I can move your shit,” says Lafayette. In response, Eric quietly rolls down the window and swooshes up and out of the car. Gah!
At Merlotte’s, Jason gets an idea and follows Andy into the men’s room where he basically blackmails Andy into making him an officer. He makes a pretty effective argument, noting that with his disposal of Eggs, a known killer, and his takedown of a drug dealer, he’s already the best cop Andy’s got.
Tara and Franklin arrive at Russell’s house and Talbot is not pleased to see Franklin. Sizing up Tara, Talbot asks if she is for him, since she’s a little too skinny for his taste. This doesn’t do much to assuage Tara’s fears of this being the most fucked up thing to happen to her and Tara, you know, has had Tara’s life, so that’s saying something.
At Lou Pine’s, Sookie saunters up to the bar next to the werewolf who attacked her last time she was there. (Note: this is not Cooter. I had assumed it was Cooter, but Cooter is another werewolf. But I haven’t caught this werewolf’s name, so I’ll just call him NotCooter. Also: Cooter.) NotCooter hands her a shot and she initially says, “No, thank you,” far too politely, which of course makes NotCooter’s a little suspicious. Remembering that, oh yeah, she’s supposed to be infiltrating, Sookie shouts, “I mean, FUCK YEAH!” and slams three shots of whiskey in a row. Sookie has never struck me as a big drinker, so the fact that she manages this feat without immediately projectile vomiting all over everyone so violently that her temporary tattoos fly off impresses me verily.
Russell and Lorena are out in a limo, taking Bill “procuring” at a local strip club. This is what Bill used to do all the time back in the day and apparently he had a knack for finding gullible idiots with blood who will follow a cold, creepy guy home. The vampire’s definition of talent is apparently pretty broad. Anyway, Russell and Lorena want “something ethnic” and send Bill on his way. Russell tells Lorena that he just remembered an errand that he has to attend to and leaves her behind looking slightly uneasy.
Eric returns to Fangtasia and finds Pam in the basement where the Magister is torturing her. Pam, for the first time, looks genuinely terrified and blurts out that the vampire who ordered the sale of V was Bill Compton. Eric corroborates Pam’s claim. The Magister notes that the loss of a child, referring to Pam’s relationship to Eric, is the deepest despair and that they have two days to bring Bill to him or Pam dies a true death.
Debbie bumps into Sookie at Lou Pine’s and snarls at her for coming with Alcide. Debbie, bless her heart, looks like Tiffany after one too many mall tours. Alcide confronts her and he and Sookie try to talk some sense into her, but Cooter appears and he and Debbie make out in a really over-the-top disgusting manner. Ick. I hate PDAs. Sookie gets a flash into Cooter’s memories and realizes that he was one of the guys who kidnapped and fed on Bill. But the time for “the ceremony” has come and Debbie is hoisted into the air and crowd-surfed toward the stage, her clothes getting ripped off along the way. When she reaches the stage, Russell appears behind her and drapes a wolf fur over her shoulders. He talks about their collaboration throughout the ages as he bites into his arm and drains his blood into a cluster of shot glasses. Sookie realizes that Russell was the vampire behind Operation Werewolf. He orders the gathered werewolves to drink, which they do, and then scream, “YEEEEAAAHHHHH” will of the enthusiasm of the Phi Kappa Alpha fraternity on $1 Jagr Bomb night.
Bill is still inside the strip club, which is playing mopey music that the dancers expressionlessly sink down the poles to. This has got to be the most depressing strip club ever, which is really saying something because they’re all pretty depressing. Bill has settled on a dancer and asks her name. They have an utterly nihilistic conversation and she poetically describes life as a hell she’ll never get out of alive. “No one does,” replies Bill. WHO’S READY TO PARTY WITH THESE TWO, HUH?
Back at Lou Pine’s, Debbie receives her Operation Werewolf brand. As she cries out from the pain, Cooter shifts into a werewolf and runs up to give her brand a lick. He stands on the stage as everyone gets all wolfy and excited and I get very, very nervous that we’re about to see a werewolf show (like a donkey show, but on my TV and…ew). Instead, everyone starts to shift and Alcide orders Sookie out of the bar immediately.
Bill returns to the limo with the stripper and after getting her settled and unsuspecting, Russell and Lorena dig in. They demand that Bill join them and break his all-Tru-Blood diet. Again, Bill, big on overdoing it at this phase in life, doesn’t just take a couple introductory sips from the victim and instead dives into her with demonic ferocity, tearing off chunks of flesh as she screams and blood drips out of the limo.
The moral of this episode seemed to be: if you’re a woman, you’re going to have a fucked up day.
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