Don’t Go In The Water: Bloodthirsty Creatures Of The Sea On Film

With Real Housewives of New Jersey on hiatus this week, I found myself craving the kind of predatory cunning, primal ferocity and capacity to inflict suffering that is normally only found in the marble-and-onyx-saturated boudoirs of northern New Jersey. But where to look? After hunting high and low, the answer became clear: under the sea. Because unlike the chipper, cartoonish flounders, mermaids and Caribbean-accented crabs who populate the submarine adventures that many of us endure as a consequence of living with small mammals and/or children… there’s a whole cinematic school dedicated to the study of aquatic life that would prefer to terrify, shred and eat us rather than serenade us with anthropomorphic song.

It is with this in mind – and with a tip of the cap to an inauspicious debut on MamaPop just one year ago – that we provide the following educational primer on things that are probably swimming near, beneath or all around you every time you go in the water this summer. Just so you know. Because we care.

• DEEP RISING
Based on a true story, this docudrama offers a veritable smorgasbord of entrepreneurialism, terrorism, corporate espionage, pleasure boating and cryptozoology. Plus it’s funny. Can Slumdog Millionnaire or Schindler’s List match that? Hells, no, which is why Deep Rising is an infinitely better movie.

It starts with Treat Williams and a crew of mercenaries (some his – lovable, funny, worthy of a hug – and some (angry, violent, led by Wes Studi, aka Magua from Last of the Mohicans) not) cruising through the South China Sea on some kinda Hummer-on-the-high-seas superboat thing. Where are they going? To a rendezvous with the world’s largest luxury liner, which is being sabotaged and left dead in the water — so that the mercs can come in, rob everyone, and get away free and rich. Unfortunately, they don’t realize that this particular section of the South China Sea is much like the T. Rex pen in Jurassic Park. You know, after the electricity runs out and the T Rex starts eating everyone. Why? Because they’ve parked the boat directly above a giant trench that’s home to some really vile sea creatures that like to come up through the plumbing and do terrible things to… well, just about everyone. The result is incredibly tense, indescribably gory, laugh-out-loud funny on multiple occasions (on purpose, too!), and – really – a better time all the way around than should probably be legal.

• DEEP STAR SIX
Also based on a true story and not at all to be confused with The Abyss, Deep Star Six relates the story of a motley crüe of researchers in an underwater laboratory who accidentally come across a giant crab that eats everyone. The end. Well, okay — there’s more to it than that, obviously, starting with the stellar cast. Greg Evigan, from BJ and the Bear! Taurean Blacque, from Hill Street Blues! Miguel Ferrer, from virtually everything! Nia Peeples, from… uh…

(drawing a blank)

One of the great things about this movie is that it doesn’t promise you anything that it doesn’t deliver. The movie poster (below)? Showing a deep-sea diving suit that’s apparently been bitten in half by something huge and monstrous and bloodthirsty? Oh yeah, dude… that DOES happen in the movie, only with the added bonus of the fact that there’s a guy inside the suit while it’s been bitten in half. Please note: none of the movies nominated for a Best Picture Oscar last year featured a guy getting bitten in half by a giant crab. This is why the Academy Awards suck.

• LEVIATHAN
Also also based on a true story – and once again, not at all to be confused with The Abyss – Leviathan tells the story of a motley crüe of researchers in an underwater laboratory who find a sunken Russian submarine with lots of experimental vodka hidden deep inside. Which they accidentally (oops!) open and drink, only to discover that the vodka is chock full of bioengineered somethingorother (plus alcohol, presumably) which subsequently transforms them into this giant Alien-meets-Jar Jar Binks thing that shreds and kills and is generally unpleasant to pretty much everyone else. And really, that’s the thing about these deep-sea monsters; they’re not friendly. Sure, the ones from The Abyss turned out to be kinda cute-looking butterfly things that only want to offer us peace and love and understanding, but they were aliens so it’s not like they really count. Our native deep-sea giant creature things? Vicious bastards, each and every one of ‘em.

I should point out that as far as Alien/Abyss ripoffs go, Leviathan is actually pretty good. The monster is scary (it was designed by Stan Winston, the same guy responsible for the mind-bending special effects in The Thing), the tension builds effectively, and the cast – which includes Peter (Robocop) Weller, Richard (First Blood) Crenna and Hector (The Princess Diaries) Elizondo – is significantly better than you’d expect for a B-movie monster flick. Put it all together, and you’ve got 90+ minutes of Jacques Cousteau-quality educational content guaranteed to prepare you for a summer on, in or under the high seas.

• PETER BENCHLEY’S CREATURE
Okay, so technically this was a network TV miniseries rather than a proper theatrical release, but despite that categorical shortcoming it’s still an important addition to your aquatic curriculum. Why? For the following reasons:

a) Peter Benchley was the guy who wrote Jaws. Which means he’s a prophet, and I think you outta listen.
b) The titular (heh. heh. he said “titular.”) creature isn’t just a shark. He’s some kind of mad scientist shark/human hybrid thing.
c) He eats lots and lots of people, which should therefore make him look terrifying.
d) He looks entirely like a guy in a rubber suit.
e) The mini-series is based on Benchley’s craptastic-yet-entertaining novel White Shark.
f) Which I read.
g) Twice.
h) I should mention that in the book… the shark-thing is also a Nazi. Because, y’know, being a man-eating shark monster clearly isn’t badass enough on its own.
i) The mini-series is easily twice as craptastic as the novel. Which is quite an achievement, after a fashion.
j) Where else are you going to see 173 minutes of Craig T. Nelson – Mr. Incredible! In the flesh! – and Kim “I’m killing time until I can start wearing expensive clothes and acting all slutty on Sex and the City” Cattrall fighting a rubber-suited shark-monster thing?
k) Nowhere. That’s where.

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TwoBusy is standing ankle-deep in the water and looking around nervously.