Harrison appears in a cloud of smoke, ZAPOW! We get not a NANOSECOND’S rest between the end of the previous show and the beginning of this one. My poor little typey fingers. I’ve been at this all night and into the day, dudes. No sleep makes for a crazy Banshee, JUST WARNING YOU. Anyhoodle, Ali and Robbo! Bliss! Vomit-covered kittens! Caffeine overdose! WHAT NOW?!?!!? WELL. We’re going to find out what happened after Robbo proposed and Ali said yes. She giggles that she’s been keeping a calendar waiting for the day they could announce Their Lurve. Oh Jeebus, I’m sure it’s got hearts and Dead Mom Rainbows and unicorns and glitter glue all over it. Barf. BUT FIRST, LET’S TALK ABOUT FRANK, shrieks Harrison!
For realsies. We montage Fucking Frank, from his meth eyed entrance to his shameful exit. We’ve DONE THIS ALREADY, HARRISON. Several times, in fact. We have a little picture in picture of Ali through the montage about how FF loves Nicole. This is awful. I hate Fucking Frank. BRING HIS ASS OUT. NOW. BLOODBATH. CAPSLOCK.
That was a wild day, Harrison duhs. What the hell was going on? Did he take the easy way out? Harrison is salivating for Ali to say something mean. I think he’s high. I know I am. Obvious Ali is obvious, and responds that Frank went on the show (because he’s a famewhore) and was surprised that he had actual feelings for Ali (lies) and that made him freak and go back to the girlfriend (pussy.) Harrison presses the subject. If Frank didn’t end up being such a douchebaggio that day, would she had given him a rose? There’s no way to answer that, Ali demures. Take it one day at a time. What? When did I stagger into an AA meeting? Well there’s only one way to know what’s REALLY up, and that’s bringing Frank out. Yes! BUT! HE BACKED OUT AT THE VERY LAST MINUTE!!!! NO! Fucking FRANK!!!!!
Ali is really taken aback and calls FF selfish for ditching the interview. She does NOT call him a pussy, but you know she wants to. She goes on to say that this was his chance to explain himself and running away at the last possible second was even MORE selfish. She can’t be mad at him though. WHAT? Ali, you’re not a fucking Disney Princess, GET MAD at that miserable little weasel! She just hopes he doesn’t do what he did to Ali to someone else. ANYWAY, Fucking Frank didn’t show and he’s a wussy little DIRT SQUIRREL and I fucking hate him and his ass face. LET US NEVER SPEAK OF HIM AGAIN, AMEN.
Commercials. Mentos will make you horny as all get out. You should go eat some and then make out with your boyfriend or girlfriend as your entire family watches, cause that’s not weird at all.
Oh man, here’s CCC and his broken heart, just dripping blood and shattered ego all over the stage. Someone get a mop. Harrison wants to get right to it, because he takes his job VAIR seriously. Did CCC expect what happened, Harrison hisses? CCC did not. He was looking forward to proposing. Let’s montage that little convo, just to dig the knife in a little deeper. Oh it’s so sad, knowing the result. Poor CCC. The emo music swells as Ali says she’s in love with Robbo and CCC’s heart breaks into a million little pieces. We JUST watched this, I cannot handle The Sad AGAIN! This is sadder than Up. No, that’s a complete lie, but the little picture in picture of CCC is vair vair sad. Not as sad as Up, but pretty sad. AMG, please cut back to the studio.
HOW TOUGH WAS THAT? Harrison crows. “Wicked fuckin’ haaaaaahd, kid,” Masshole-s CCC. Jeebus, Harrison loves other people’s pain. It’s oddly sexy. CCC was ready. TO PROPOSE? Harrison demands. Yes, goddammit. DO YOU THINK IF YOU HAD THE FINAL DATE IT WOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING? Harrison cackles. Yes, CCC somberly says. Deep down, was there ANGER? Harrison is sporting SUCH a boner. It takes two, CCC sighs, and you can’t force love. She just felt more strongly for someone else. ARE YOU OVER IT? Harrison howls. CCC is ready to find the perfect person. He was as close as he could get. Seeing Ali will be strange to say the least. Well, LET’S MAKE THAT HAPPEN!!!! Harrison roars. After commercials, of course.
Commercials. Oh god, a Drew Barrymore/Justin Long movie about long distance relationships. Dude, I wouldn’t go to that movie if I was being chased into the theater by the monkey from Outbreak.
So CCC and Ali haven’t seen each other since Bora Bora. Here she is. He looks great, she giggles. This is so crazy, it’s great to see him. It’s weird, but it’s good. He’s a wonderful man. It’s good to see him. Ali, STOP FLIRTING. He’s SO googoo for her still. He has a question. What did she learn from THEM TOGETHER during the show? He helped her learn what she was looking for. Yeah, NOT HIM. They started as friends and that’s so important, and she learned a lot about love and respect and having fun. She has so much respect for him. They each think the other is amazing. He thanks her for cutting him loose when she did. That’s amazing. He loves her so much for that. THIS IS SO AWKWARD. Stop TOUCHING him, Ali! Stop saying amazing! Stoppit stoppit stoppit make this moment GO AWAY. What wasn’t there? Harrison smirks. Wet panties, says Ali. Just kidding. In the end, the friendship was stronger with CCC and the romance was there with Robbo. Why don’t we just start giving CCC papercuts and sprinkling salt into them? That’s gotta be more enjoyable than this conversation.
Speaking of dreadfully awkward situations, let’s all take a moment to remember the Dead Mom Rainbow. Ali saw it too. Dead Mom had said that when she died, to look for her in rainbows and gosh dang it if there one was for all to see, right there in Bora Bora. Ali cries. CCC smiles as he remembers his mom. It made everything okay. In the studio, Ali gazes way too schmoopily at CCC as he gets choked up. Ali says that she cried and laughed when she saw the Dead Mom Rainbow and the crew was crying except for the teamsters cause that wasn’t in their contract, and everyone was wicked emotional. She can only imagine what it was like for CCC. Final thoughts, CCC? Thank you for the journey (drink) and congratulations, Ali. They hug. What a classy guy, that CCC. He should absolutely call me. I liked him from the first episode, remember? Where’s MY rainbow? C’mon, can’t a recapper get a piece??? Ahem.
Commercials. Cranberry lime Smirnoff coolers. Hey, are y’all still drinking for “journey?” Hope you don’t end up in rehab cause of me, dudes. Yanno, I’ve been to rehab. It’s actually not so bad. You should try it! Wait, no. That’s not responsible of me at ALL. Um…Rehab’s the pits! Drink responsibly! Y’all, I am so tired right now, I have no idea what I’m saying anymore.
We’re back! How did it feel to see CCC again after shattering his psyche, ALI? He looks happy, she Disney Princesses. He’s a great man and anyone would be lucky to be with him. ANYWAY, BORED NOW, Harrison gleefully snots. YOU’RE ENGAGED! To Robbo! How’s THAT treating your ass? It’s been so hard keeping it a secret for all these months. She’s thrilled. So she had moments of skepticism, especially with Fucking Frank and the Wrestler, but it all worked out, even though she tried SO HARD to not fall for Robbo. She thought he was WAY out of her league. She was positive he was a playa. She’s so glad she was wrong. Harrison throws it in her face with ultimate vicious self-congratulations that she said the first night that she didn’t believe in love at first sight, and she was WRONG. Robbo got the First Impression Rose and now they’re gonna get mawwied! Woot! Looking back, would you have changed anything? Absolutely not, she says, of course. It was a huge risk to let CCC go, not knowing if Robbo would propose. It was, but she had so much faith, (drink) and it was unbelievable. Let’s bring out Robbo so they can be nauseatingly happy together again! Gee, let’s. I hiccup ominously and the cats flee the room.
After commercials, natch. Fifteen bucks for what CLAIM to be bootylicious jeans at Old Navy, y’all. Can’t beat that with a stick.
ROBBO!!!!! He enters laughing. They kiss (Robbo and Ali, not Robbo and Harrison, that would be interesting indeed. AND AWESOME.) How is like being in love, demands Harrison. Well nothing’s been normal. They were destined to be together from the first night. He knew right away, it was like a train hit him. Obviously they had chemistry, Harrison pish-poshes, but when did he LOVE her and want to PROPOSE to her? Second or third rose ceremony. What about you, Ali, when he got out of the limo the first night, my precious Harrison snarks. HA. She felt it the whole way through (in her pants) and really explored everything to make sure. Yeah, like CCC’s peen, she sure explored THAT.
Are you surprised that you fell in love on a TV show? People are wicked skeptical, yanno. Yeah, it’s weird, but they love each other soooooooooooo much. In fact, let’s montage that lovely moment when Robbo proposed. Aw. They snuggle in the picture-in-picture. Where’s CCC right now? Is he backstage with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a straight razor? I wouldn’t blame him, this is so schmoopy I sprout four new cavities. I don’t have dental insurance, Harrison! Dammit!
Ali and Robbo cry and make out in the studio. Robbo was ACES in the proposal department, if not as sweaty as a whore in church. Ali is totally confident in their unconditional love, and that they found that and everything will be perfect and Dead Mom Rainbows and Lion King songs forever and ever. Millions are wondering: 25 guys. Why Robbo? He’s wonderful, handsome, caring, respectful, and she couldn’t have gotten a better man. Robbo? What is it about Ali? What’s not to love? She’s smart, beautiful, challenges him. I drag the cats out from under the bed and grouchily vomit on all of them purely out of spite. When they were on their last date, Ali wanted to say SO bad that she loved him but she didn’t want to do that until she let CCC go. Ali broke the rules by doing all that, but it’s endearing. Just like Ali always is. Breaking the rules adorably. Gag, puke, retch, vom, blorgh.
We’ve come so far, sayeth Harrison, like a proud papa. She sacrificed everything, but that’s meaningless now that she’s with Robbo. What’s NEXT? We’ll find out after the break.
Commercials! So you can get a new smartphone installed with Avatar already, whether you want that wretched excuse for a movie or not. I shan’t be getting that phone.
So what’s the toughest thing about being apart? Robbo says it’s hard, mostly in the peen department, but probably harder on her. I BET IT IS. Watching the show was SUPER hard. How have they been seeing each other during the run of the show? Every other weekend, in a secluded house where they have to “entertain themselves.” Nakedly. They were on different coasts, so they’d watch movies on the phone together but seperately and all sorts of long distance relationship gross lovey dovey crap. They’re gonna live in San Diego, in fact, they’ve already got an apartment. HA! Ali is deluded enough to think she’s gonna find a job, Robbo’s moving his business, everything is working out perfectly. Naturally. HAVE WE TALKED WEDDING?!!?!? Harrison interviews like Anderson Cooper trying to get a sound byte from a foreign warlord. They have. Possibly next summer. Or spring, Robbo says, the weather is better. They giggle. I dry heave. They don’t want to rush, but they’re soooooooo happy. Robbo is just excited for Ali moving in now that the show is over. Everything is fucking perfect. I hate everything and everyone in the world right now except you, readers. I love you. Oh little god in his short pants, I am so tired.
THERE’S ANOTHER FUCKING HELICOPTER. DRINK. Robbo and Ali are going to Catalina Island for a little getaway. They crack up. Everyone hugs my Harrison and they walk off into the sunset to their blissful life together, for about 6 months before they break up like every other geedee couple on this hideous program. Be sure to tune in to The Bachelor Pad next Monday! I’ll be reeeeeeeeeeeeeeecapping!!!!!! I’ve got to get my shots first, of course, cause those beeshes be DIRTY, but I’ll be recapping. In a hazmat suit. See you next week!!!!!
PS? I still hate you, Fucking Frank. Never forget that.
OMG, is it over? CAN I GO TO BED? Yay! Okay, bye everybuddy!