This is it, people! Are you ready? Bets made? Beverages at the ready? Klonopin in your bloodstream? Let’s hit this shit.
Previously, Ali left everything behind for 25 famewhores, I mean, men, to find twoo wuv. Her journey (drink!) was more difficult than she could have ever imagined due to MENSA cases like Dolphin Boy, The Wrestler, and of course, Fucking Frank. In the end, Robbo, Cape Cod Chris, and Fucking Frank went to Tahiti. Robbo was flying high. He drops the Love-bomb. CCC was ready to take the plunge. He ALSO drops the L-word. BUT! Ali’s dream turned into a nightmare because of FUCKING FRANK. We re-live those moments. I’ve already recapped them, and you’ve already read them, so please, let’s press on. Lots to cover tonight.
After FF left, Suspicious Ali was suspicious. BUT! She’s ready to let everything go but Robbo and CCC. Now we’re in Bora Bora with the two men of her dreams, and it’s time to meet her family! It’s so important to them to get DadAli’s approval and blessing, but DadAli is a tough cookie. Oh, I do hope there’s arm wrestling.
And then! It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for when Ali makes a DECISION already. She’s scared! YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS. On the unforgettable finale of The Bachelorette! Let’s go! I vomit on a kitten with anticipation.
Ali can’t believe she could get engaged in Bora Bora. Looking back at the 25 chumps, she stunned that there were actually TWO awesome guys. Two awesome guys, I MIGHT ADD, that I TOTALLY called in the FIRST episode. Just saying, I may have amazing psychic abilities. Or I watch too much TV. One of those. ANYWAY! She traveled and experienced everything she could imagine, but the journey (drink) was soooooo challenging. We cut to clips of The Wrestler and FF AGAIN, like, ah mah gah, we get it. CCC and Robbo are completely different and their journeys (drink) have been completely different. The feelings were there immediately for Robbo. It’s the first time she feels so safe in a relationship. He’s so sweet and genuine and makes her feel like a real woman. Instead of a fake woman? Wha? But!!! Is he too good to be true? Well, when she woke up next to him, she knew she was falling in love. The sex must have been PHENOMENAL. And for those who enjoy thinking that they held hands and read the Bible all night? I respectfully disagree. She boinked both of them, and I salute her for that.
Her relationship with CCC has been slow, steady, and uphill. They’re really just friends that are starting to fall in love. CCC makes her laugh so much and has great character. He’s like a big teddy bear. They’re both from Massachusetts and Ali knows he’d fit into her life. She feels like he’s been around forever. She feels so close to his family and her overnight was awesome. She never wants to say goodbye or stop kissing him. Not looking good for CCC already. And I’m recapping with no spoilers and in real time, so I find out when you do. I’m just sayin’, that was a “let’s be friends” speech waiting to happen. I know this because I’ve been dumped before.
This journey (drink) is coming to an end and when she gives her heart, there are no guarantees. She has to have faith that everything will be as it should be. Well that’s pretty fucking optimistic. Remember, Ali-girl, you’re on a reality television show. Faith has nothing to do with it. Editing does.
Commercials! A “special look” at Retch Retch Retch. Oops, I mean, Eat Pray Love. James Franco smokes a LOT of marijuana, does he not? He can barely open his eyes. Not that I know ANYTHING about that stuff. Hi mom! I’ve never done drugs! OH! Everyone say hi to my mom, who is obsessively texting me her own little recap from a hospital bed after hip replacement. It’s a mother/daughter effort tonight! MUCH more from MomBanshee at the commercials, as her texts are INCESSANT.
Aaaaaaaaand we’re back in Bora Bora. Ali can’t believe she could be engaged soon. OR DESPERATELY ALONE, ABANDONED AND MISERABLE. Always a possibility, girlie. She’s enjoyed the journey (drink) but it’s the destination that matters. Robbo is up first to meet the ‘rents. He’s shitting himself with nerves. He RILLY hopes they like him. Um, Robbo? Have you ever looked in a mirror? You’re sex on legs and charming to boot. You’ll be FINE. He and Ali meet up and smooch. It’s vair important for Robbo to let Ali’s family know how much she means to him. She reassures him that he’ll be fine, which he obviously will be. They meet DadAli, MomAli, SisterAli, and BrotherAli. Ali makes Robbo speak Spanish for them. Jeebus, Ali, he’s not a performing squirrel. Much giggling from the family, who think ethnic people are just NEATO.
Warm reception from everyone, but they haven’t really talked yet, so Robbo’s nervous. They talk baseball! DadAli is a Red Sox fan, AS WE ALL SHOULD BE. Ahem. Anyway, SisterAli and BrotherAli talk to Robbo outside as Ali talks to MomAli and DadAli about how Robbo puts her in a peaceful place and that he’s soooooooo romantic. He’s so dreamy that she’s at a loss for words. MomAli is completely smitten with Robbo. She’s practically drooling over him as they sit down to chat. MomAli asks Robbo if he has any questions. “What can I do to keep her happy?” “You’re already doing it,” MomAli responds. Oh, SWOON. He’s been exactly what she needs since he walked out of the limo the first night, sayeth MomAli. She’s full of joy, so of course she starts crying. Drink. MomAli wibbles and sniffles and holds Robbo’s hand. She staggers through “I believe that your heart is pure” in horribly broken Spanish. They hug it out. That was muy perfecto for Robbo, but what of DadAli!?! What about the Fisticuffs of Honor for his little girl? We’ll get that after…
Commercials! I ignore my mom’s rapid-fire texts to tell you that Kohl’s is donating 10 million bucks to schools. I really, really enjoy this idea. Use it to put the arts back in schoolsl! Okay, I’m off my soapbox. (ARTS! BACK IN SCHOOLS! NOW!) Okay, really done now. (ARTS. SCHOOLS.)
DadAli Time! Bring on the old ultra-violence! Coming from a very traditional background, this meeting is important for Robbo. Huge deal. DadAli wants to know how Robbo feels about Ali. Robbo says that he went into this not knowing what, if anything, was going to happen, but lo and behold, something happened right away. Yeah, in his pants. Ali told him that family and having someone devoted to her was vital, and he says he’ll be happy being wherever she is and doing whatever they do together. He wants DadAli to know how much he cares. It’s so important for Robbo to have DadAli’s blessing. Robbo goes there, and says that he loves her. He’s thinking long term. Crickets. DadAli slooooowly and paaaaaaainfully says that it’s good that he seems stable and a great guy, and finally relents that he has no objections. Blessing given! Well that was boring. I wanted them to at least duel or something. Throw down a gauntlet. SOMETHING exciting.
Robbo wants to be part of the family, so he teaches everyone to salsa dance. Okay, the salsa dancing bit is getting old. However, it’s a big hit with MamaAli, who lurves Robbo and wants a million of his babies. Ali is thrilled. She feels like their strong connection just keeps growing. Robbo has now seen her in her comfort zone and he wants to be there with her. Everything went swimmingly. They leave the fam to go tongue wrestle for a while. Robbo says this whole journey (drink) could end in heartbreak for him, but it’s worth it. Ali is sooooooo happy. She keeps looking for something, ANYTHING wrong with him but can’t. He’s Perfecto Roberto. Oh dear, the tag is out on the back of her dress. Someone fix that please.
Now she needs to do the whole thing over again with CCC. Whatever shall happen!?!?
Commercials! I can’t recap these because MomBanshee is frantically texting me, and can’t take a hint that I’m WORKING HERE. Let’s see what she says: “Omg, whatever will happen? SO nerve wracking” The surgery did not affect her sarcasm, folks.
CCC timez! Ali wants her family to keep an open mind about CCC after hitting it off so well with Robbo. CCC has a LOT of product in his hair. He’s hoping the Massachusetts connection will seal the deal. It very well could. Mass. folk are vair loyal. Hugs and handshakes all around. When Ali met CCC’s family, it was huge, so he’s going to try to do the same thing with Ali’s fam. They immediately start talking about Cape Cod and how awesome it is. Then, MomAli ruins everything by dropping the Dead Mom bomb and it’s awkward as hell. CCC clams up like, whoa. The convo is rescued when DadAli and CCC talk about them both being teachers. Ali knew everyone would love CCC. DadAli proposes a toast and says that CCC could be in their family. CCC is confident. MomAli is STILL dropping Dead Mom grenades, and the conversation screeches to a halt. Is she DRUNK? Jeebus, she CANNOT be STOPPED. CCC holds his own but it’s ABSOLUTELY AWFUL. Dude, MomAli, it’s called TACT. Shut your noise hole! SisterAli rescues CCC by dragging him outside with BrotherAli, who may be mute, or simply has no opinions.
SisterAli’s giant boobs ask CCC about the relationship. Wow, maybe it’s because I’m flatchested and jealous, but her tits are EVERYWHERE. Put the girls away, SisterAli. CCC says that he wanted to make the connection slow, steady and natural and that it ended up working out well that way. MomAli and Ali talk about friendships that grow into relationships and how they can be really awesome, blah blah blah. MomAli likes that CCC gave up his career for his family and is now a landscaper with his dad and brothers, which is sexier than being a math teacher, I guess. She smirks that she’s wicked glad she’s not the one who has to choose, haha. Dang. Outside, CCC gushes that he didn’t know Ali would be so incredible. If she had sucked, he would have bolted from the show. He’s jealous of his brothers’ great relationships with their wives. SisterAli’s boobs interview that she digs CCC. DUH, she’s freaking OUT over him. SisterAli is thisclose to humping CCC’s leg. Anyway, he’s still got to ask DadAli for Ali’s hand in marriage. If he says no, CCC is sure Ali will say also say no. I want at LEAST some arm wrestling. C’mon, boys!
Commercials! Aaaaaaaaand another text from MomBanshee. It asks “Why can’t you find a nice boy like CCC?” Kee-rist, Ma. Moving on!
Time to tell stories about Ali’s childhood to CCC! She and her sister used to dress BrotherAli up like a girl. Haha, I used to do that to BrotherBanshee. Probably explains our very tenuous relationship. CCC thinks today has been “wicked awesome” but now it’s time to get DadAli’s permission to marry her. Doing his dad-ly duties, he’s got vair serious questions. CCC and Ali have gone through a two-month journey (drink) and does he love her? He doesn’t answer. Rather, he swerves the question by talking about his dad taking care of Dead Mom when she was sick, and how he wants that with Ali. Not the sick and dead part, though. Just the love part. She’s amazing, she has a passion for life, and they’re so excited to be together wherever they are. He gushes on. “It’s huge, and not many people have that.” That’s what she said. TO ROBBO. Yeah, I went there. CCC falls in love with her more every time he sees her. Soooooooo, is it okay if he asks her to marry him? It’s okay if DadAli doesn’t say yes right away, CCC assures him. That’s adorable. DadAli thinks Ali looks happy and he says he gives his blessing. Soulmate to future wife is next, sayeth CCC. Not very likely, dearheart.
Everyone leaps into the ocean as Ali voiceovers about how great CCC is and how much her family loves him. The hometown boy thing didn’t hurt either. CCC says everything seemed easy for him. They sneak off and make out for a bit. He meshed, Ali waxes, and CCC says it was just like the meeting with HIS family, and that’s good. She thanks him for coming here to do this and they swap a little more spit. CCC thinks Ali is his soulmate. She makes him complete. He says goodbye and interviews that walking away from her gets harder every time. He’s def falling in love with her and she’s perfect for him. Sigh. He’s doomed. Ali says her brain is spinning. It’s not about who’s a great guy cause they both are. It’s about who is right for her. She CLAIMS that she has no idea what to do. I smell drama and tears and a broken Cape Cod heart approaching, and it smells good. Smells like cake.
Commercials! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT a minute. There have been THREE Step Up movies? THREE? I think watching small children flail around in 3D for an hour and a half would make me vomit more than this show does. Speaking of vomiting, the kittens are hiding. They know what I’m doing. They’re not stupid. Oh lordy, MomBanshee texts that she’s being vair funny, and am I getting all of her texts? I sure am, Mom.
This is so hard, Ali whines. Both guys are amazing, duh, so she talks to the family. She’s got her own thoughts, but they make her brain parts all hurty, so she wants their opinions. DadAli wants Robbo because he’s vair engaging and wants to make Ali happy. He seems more willing to move forward. SisterAli wants CCC. Sexually. BrotherAli has no say in the matter. Ali looks like she’s going to vomit as the family argues. SisterAli’s boobs pipe up that they want CCC’s face to motorboat them wicked bad. The whole fam, minus DadAli like that CCC’s taking things more slowly. MomAli is still weirdly obsessed with Dead Mom. She defends CCC because of Dead Mom Trauma. Anyway, it’s totally Ali’s decision, they say, except the part where DadAli wants Robbo and everyone else wants CCC. Especially SisterAli, who totally needs new underpants at this point.
Commercials! Buy a minivan. It’ll give you a place to hide from your husband and kids. Mom text! MomBanshee’s getting her pain meds. She needs you to know that.
Time for Robbo’s final date. Ali’s fam loves Robbo. She’s crazy about him, but with everything that’s happened on the journey (drink) she needs to make sure. They run to each other and kiss with tongues. Robbo interviews that he tries to not think about CCC when he’s with Ali. Yeah, I’m sure. They go on a jetski together and Ali talks about her love of going fast. We certainly saw that last time with the overnight visits, didn’t we, you hussy. Ahhhhh! They swim with GIGANTIC stingrays and Robbo thinks it’s safe, but they’re both terrified. Ali is screaming like an overtired toddler. She loves that Robbo is protecting her from the giant ocean beasts. Have we learned NOTHING from the tragedy of Steve Irwin, people? Stingrays KILL PEOPLE. Flee, for the love of pants! Robbo wants to be the person who is always there for Ali and makes her feel safe and protected, because he has a hero complex. They picnic on the beach. He opines that you can be in the most beautiful place in the world, but if you’re not with someone you love, it’s meaningless. Ali is taken aback by this Hallmark moment and baffled that Robbo could possibly be her husband. She thinks he’s SO perfect. She neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeds him. In her vajay. Ahem.
It starts to rain. Robbo thinks that’s the coolest thing ever. They walk into the ocean and make out in the downpour. That’s pretty fucking romantic. Ali agrees with me, only with less potty mouth. She’s always had really strong feelings for Robbo but she Just! Doesn’t! Know! Girl, please. Yes you do, and we all know it too.
Commercials! Mom Text! “oh swimming and making out with stingrays, HELLO, this could be problematic.” She’s high as a kite, people. I could not make this shit up if I tried.
Robbo readies the evening part of the date and says it’s huge (I’m sure it IS) because this is the last chance to say stuff before the proposal. He wants her to know how he feels. Ali whines AGAIN about how much she’s given up, and if she leaves without a dude, she’ll probably go on a killing spree. Robbo has a problem with opening up. Well we’re gonna pick that pesky scab tonight! He knew Ali was the one from the first night, and it’s been an amazing journey, DRINK YOUR DRINK. They reminisce about their dates. Robbo says she makes him speechless. Ali says people WISH they could have what she and Robbo have. I can’t take the sap anymore, and search out a cat to vomit on it. Would Robbo say Ali was his type, she asks, begging for a compliment? He doesn’t have a type. Oh no, ALI SAYS ROBBO IS PERFECT. Please don’t do that, Ali. Please. Saying someone is perfect leads to doom. There’s too much pressure involved.
Robbo interviews that they need to do serious convos tonight. But first! Gifties!!! They bring the champagne to the BED, WOOHOO, where he gives her a framed photo of them in the stupid heart shaped lagoon with a note about their JOURNEY. FOR THE LOVE OF JEBUDDAH, DRINK. Robbo wants to put everything on the table. Yeah, he wants to put Ali’s ASS on the table if you know what I’m saying, and I trust you do. Even if there’s a chance for heartbreak, it’s worth it. Ali’s the kind of girl you take that chance with. He talks to her about taking the next step, and if she doesn’t know already, he totally got DadAli’s blessing after he told DadAli that he’s in love with her. Ali’s loins explode and she kisses him firmly. I firmly grasp another kitten and vomit again. Ali’s heart is exploding. My stomach is exploding. She feels so safe. This hero/victim complex these two have is getting weirder by the second. They kiss more with tongues and they both say they love each other. She’s found everything in Robbo and she hopes he feels the same. She knows she has to go now, but she doesn’t want to say goodbye to Robbo.
Dudes? It’s beyond obvious now, is it not? Team Robbo all the way. Speaking of all the way, I bet you all three of my cats AND my Red Sox cap that they totally get nakey right there. I mean he basically asked her to marry him and they’re already lying on a bed. AND Robbo is hotter than a thousand burning nuns, AND they’ve done it before, AND it was clearly spectacular the first time, so yeah. CCC is, sadly, completely toast. Ali and Robbo screw their brains out all night, show’s over, can I go to bed? No? Fine.
Commercials! Mom Text. “how much is real with a bunch of cameras and knowing millions of people judging and hey BTW, do they get their Actor’s Equity union card for this too?” Awesome. She THEN texts “Now if she goes off script and just stays in bed with Roberto, THEN we have a STORY.” Do you see where I get my snark, people? Genetics.
CCC! He’s SO DOOMED. He waxes about how much he loves Ali, and then of course talks about Dead Mom. He says that this journey blah blah drink. Dear gawd, my mom won’t stop texting me. Anyway, he wants to get married. He’s a damn lucky man. My mom says to tell y’all the painkillers are putting her to sleep and she thinks Robbo will win. GOODNIGHT, MOTHER, PLEASE. Here comes Ali. She’s got serious face on. Holy crap, she’s going to dump him right now, isn’t she!?! Her family loves him. She’s hesitant. She can’t say anything right. Dude. Bloodbath. Tomorrow, she’s got a choice to make. CCC is awesome. He’s great. Here it comes. Even if people love being with each other, it doesn’t mean it’s meant to be. BLAMMO. She has to let him go now. Agonizing silence. This wasn’t an easy decision. She just didn’t want to put him through that shit tomorrow cause it would be so hard. He miserably thanks her. He’s really going to miss her. Oh man, CCC is DEVASTATED. He learned how to put himself out there, and this happens. He can’t look at her. Ali says she couldn’t make him go through anything else because she respects him so much. She totally fucked Robbo blind last night.
Well I was wrong, people. CCC is your new Bachelor, not Kirk. Ever been wrong? Happened to me.
CCC wishes her good luck. They hug as the sad music swells. Ali walks him to the door and asks for a hug. He calls her amazing. He’s amazing too. Everyone’s amazing, but Robbo’s peen is the most amazing of all, haha. Okay, she doesn’t say that last part. CCC says goodbye, and Ali leaves. My phone is EXPLODING with texts from my crazy mother, who was SUPPOSED to be asleep by now. It was a lot harder for Ali than she thought it would be, (I BET IT WAS) and she knows CCC has survived a lot of awful crap. It’s really hard to put him through this and she hates it, but she’s not torturing him by making him wait till tomorrow. She had to tell him today. OMG MY PHONE, Y’ALL. She loves hugging him, she loves being around him, blah, but she knows she made the right decision. We all knew that 20 minutes ago, because we’ve all vair smart and we’ve watched television before, yes? Yes.
CCC is so sad, you guys. He interviews that she’s amazing and her family loved him, but he wasn’t the one, and it really hurts. Once she left, it really hit him. Ali was one of the most amazing women he’s ever met. PLEASE. EVERYONE. Stop saying “amazing.” Find a freaking thesaurus. He loves that she told him NOW and didn’t string him along. He can never thank her enough for that. He wants her to be happy. Suddenly, a rainbow pops up out of nowhere. He gets misty and is all ”Wow, that’s my mom.” Dudes, I’m not even going to make the topical double rainbow joke because CCC is making me seriously tear up with the Mom/rainbow thing, for REAL. He’d do it all again. Sniffle. Instead of the unmarked van, CCC is tossed onto a dinghy and set out to sea, never to be seen again, until he’s the Bachelor, of course. He’s in his tiny boat and very very very sad as we go to commercial.
OKAY. I have a million texts from mom, are you ready? Here we go: “CCC is peeing his pants / That’s mean, asking for a hug from the guy you just rejected / CCC is a nice boy / Poor boy /Sexy Latino wins every time / Is there a drinking game for every time amazing is said?” That’s my mom, everyone! She’s totally trying to steal my recapping job. Don’t fall for her Vicodin addled wiles, Sweetney! DON’T REPLACE ME WITH MY MOM, OH THE TRAUMA.
Sad music. The only reason Ali did this whole thing was to find love. Any woman would be lucky to have CCC, but she made the right decision. She’s in love with Robbo and wants to scream it from the rooftops. She doesn’t know what she ever did to deserve him, but she hopes it ends with a proposal, cause that would be the perfect end to their perfect love story. UGH. I vomit on all three of my cats, stomp outside, locate the stray that hangs out by my apartment, and vomit on him as well.
Oh Jeebus, when Robbo woke up, he reflected on their journey. DRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK. He’s going to “buy” a ring from some skeevy Uncle Bad Touch who skeeves about how important this is. Robbo wants to make the right decision. He finds “The One” ring immediately. Watch out for Smeagol, dude. He doesn’t know if Ali is going to say yes, there’s that slight chance, he tells Skeevy, that she’ll say no, and that’s a lot of pressure. He has to be confident and feel 100%. WHOA SUDDEN RANDOM SHOT OF ROBBO IN THE SHOWER DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK DRINK EVERYTHING. Ali told him to trust his heart and this is the most important thing ever. He only wants to propose once in his life. He needs to do what feels right, and whatever decision he makes is wicked important. Good lord, I get it. You get it. My mom texts. She gets it. I get a Ouija board and consult my dead granny: Yep, she gets it.
Ali applies mascara. OOOOH WHICH KIND, ALI, I MUST KNOW! She’s taking the ultimate risk. Robbo says if he gives something up, it’s gotta be for the better. Ali says that love is crazy. Robbo says this is the hardest decision he’s ever had to make. Ali doesn’t think it’s possible to be in love and not give your whole heart. She’s so nervous she’s probably vomiting as much as I am. She has to have faith. The rose she gives out will be her whole heart. She’ll be heartbroken if Robbo says no, but she has to have faith. FAITH FAITH FAITH DRINK DRINK DRINK BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Commercials! Y’all, I AM SO NERVOUS WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AH MAH GAH I AM EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THE FUCKING BACHELORETTE. Someone shoot me. It’s the kindest thing to do. My mom texts that this is sickening. I heartily agree, but I’m totally freaking out anyway.
Every relationship Ali’s had in her life has come to this moment. She’s in a yellow toga, BTW, and she’s overtanned. So ya know,completely status quo. The girl has to have 23 yellow togas in her closet. She hopes Robbo gets on one knee, gee whilikers. He doesn’t know he’s the only one there. FAITH. FAITH FAITH. She’s got to have it. YOU have to DRINK DRINK DRINK. Robbo meets my precious Harrison! FINALLY. I’ve missed him so much! Harrison wishes him luck. Robbo’s never done this much thinking in his life. He’s going to take a deep breath, look in her eyes, and vomit down her toga. Or tell her how he feels. One of those. He’s been anxious for a long time and it’s taken a lot of soul searching for him to get there. He sees Ali and smiles. They hug and kiss. His whispers that his heart is pounding. He wants to say a couple of things. He’s been thinking all night and into the morning. He’s so nervous he can’t look at her. Make a decision with your heart, she had said to him. He listened. From their first dance and the first rose, it was all her. She wants a husband who would love her unconditionally? Well, he wants to be that man. He wants to make her laugh and smile and wake up every morning knowing she’s so loved. He knew he wanted to be with her from the first moment. Ali squees and tells him surprise! She already ditched poor CCC. She loves Robbo. He loves her. They giggle and he GETS ON ONE KNEE HOLY SHIT WILL YOU MARRY ME YES SHE WILL HERE’S THE RING WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fairy tales were in stories and movies. She never thought she’d get a happy ending, and lookit that, she has.
My mom ruins the moment by texting that she’s determined to get CCC’s number for me.
Oh good lordy. As we montage Robbo and Ali’s moments together, they play “Can You Feel The Love Tonight.” I…have nothing to say, actually. How can I possibly snark at this point!??!! She’s got one more question, and it’s in broken but adorable Spanish. Will he accept this rose?
“Si.”
And there it is, folks! Happy endings! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that I will be recapping “After the Final Rose” and it’ll be up tomorrow at 10 AM Eastern, do I? Because I love you, my precious little squirrels. I love you like Ali loves Robbo and Robbo loves Ali and my mom loves Vicodin. Will you accept this rose, readers? I didn’t even vomit on it.
About Danielle Vintschger
