As the title of this post subtly implies, I’m not gay. But I have a good imagination. This grants me the ability to be hypothetically gay. Which is quite a different thing than being actually gay.
I’m going to stop rambling now about not being gay, which I’m not.
Are you ready for the boys? Me too (not gay).
10). Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp is all kinds of hot to look at but his extreme slurpability isn’t really the source of my hypothetical homosexual longing. I’m actually most in love with wounded Johnny (see above). Reclusive Johnny intrigues me. I wonder why he’s so walled up. I want to knock down his walls. I want Johnny Depp to weep and open up to me, to confess his sins on my bare chest. And so on.
9). Viggo Mortensen
There’s something wrong with Viggo’s square jaw that makes me hate him. But that hatred just contributes to the complexity of my feelings. Love is not mere adoration. It’s complex. It’s a bunch of feelings that gallop off in different directions, tearing you to pieces. Anyway, add some scruff to that sawed off chin, give him some long wet hair, call him Aragorn, and I’m swooning for the King.
8). “Matt H.”
I went to college with Matt at Michigan State and hypothetically thought he was cute. He was a Big Ten wrestler and wrestlers have this intense savagery that burns in their guts and threatens to erupt into violence at any second. For the most part, he was kind and gentle and harmless. But you always knew the potential was there, that if he wanted to, he could subdue you in an instant and snap your neck. One time I joked about kicking his ass and he grabbed my arm with such quickness and force, it made me shudder and gasp.
7). Brad Pitt
Brad Pitt’s hotness goes without saying but I’d like to isolate my crush on A River Runs Through It Brad Pitt. I loved the way he so enthusiastically fished. He was so young and pure and shiny. Brad Pitt GLOWED in that movie. However, this glowing was informed by a lurking tendency to self destruct. I suppose I’m just drawn to boys who explode. Hypothetically.
6). Eddie Vedder
Eddie Vedder gives me a boner and I’m not even gay. Even though Pearl Jam’s last twenty-some records have totally sucked, I’m still completely mad for super intense Eddie from Ten all the way to No Code. He was so sincere. He really believed the world could be saved with rock and soul poured from his voice like maple syrup. Eddie’s oozy. He’s also genuinely fame shy and that’s sexy (see #10 Johnny Depp).
5). Darth Vader
What can I say? I’m attracted to the Dark Side and lightsabers. Plus Darth Vader, in spite of being evil with a big lightsaber, was actually deeply misunderstood so this creates confusion between fearing him, pitying him, and lusting for him. Throw in that breathy voice and intimidating black costume and I’m crushing with force.
4). The Palinode
This handsome devil is the perfect mix of intellect, humor, and littleness. I mean he’s so short and cute, I could put him in my pocket. The Palinode is a snappy dresser and his mind’s like this huge field of relational power that draws connections between encyclopedias of information. Talk to him for 5 minutes and you’ll feel stupid. But the cool part is he doesn’t rub your nose in it. Probably because he’s so little. A fellow MamaPop writer, I hope his inclusion doesn’t make our work environment awkward. It’s only hypothetical gayness, Palinode. We’re still way macho.
3). Friedrich Nietzsche
Everyone should have a basic understanding of the history of western philosophy, if only to appreciate Nietzsche’s accomplishment. Read Plato, Augustine, Aquinas, Descartes, Locke, Hume, Hobbes, Marx, Kant, Hegel, and Schopenhauer – just to get the general vibe (and of course don’t read ALL the major works because most of it’s boring as hell). Read general histories of philosophy and summaries of major philosophers and a few of the major works like Descartes’ Meditations on First Philosophy, etc. There. Now sit down and read Nietzsche from front to back and I guarantee you’ll want to fuck him. For my personal preference, I’d like to be gay with Nietzsche when he was writing Ecce Homo and descending into madness. If I were gay and it was 1888.
2). Robert Downey, Jr.
So easily the best looking man in the universe. Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss. Hypothetically.
1). John Darnielle
John Darnielle is the greatest songwriter alive and, yes, I realize that Bob Dylan’s not dead yet but, still, John Darnielle is the greatest songwriter living today. In addition to this, when he performs the best songs being written today, he does so from the deep bubbling spring at the source of all our hearts’ concerns and you realize at once, in a daze, that you’re in the presence of something wonderful and true and you’re inescapably changed forever. It makes me gay. My #1 gay crush is on John Darnielle.
. . . . .
BHJ, again, is only hypothetically gay.
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