Children’s literature is a fierce game, son. Know what I’m saying? A muhfugga that’s collecting royalties today could find their shit stacked in the bargain bin tomorrow. Only time will tell where the real kiddy-lit pimps be at, whose work will earn the stamp of “beloved children’s classic.” And in this biz, ain’t nobody a bigger pimp than the Man, the Doctor, Theodor Seuss Geisel, better known to the masses as Dr. Seuss. The Doctor wrote and illustrated some of the illest children’s books known to the English language. His work is aged, but it’s aged well. The boys and girls still clamor for it like it’s brand new. His work’s got things to say that still need saying, lessons that plenty of grown-ass folks need to be contemplating. And it says it with some serious flow, know what I’m saying? Flow.
So with that in mind, it only makes sense that the Doc’s works should get some boom-bap dropped behind ‘em and that his rhymes should get spit by some of the flyest MC’s ever to rock a mic. It’s time we all waved our hands like we ain’t give a damn cuz we wanna wild out on some green eggs and ham. The time has come for the Dr. Seuss Hip-Hop Album. But since nobody, to my knowledge, has any plans to put such an album together, I’ve taken it upon myself to compile my nominations for which MC’s should be paired with which stories. And like many an intro on many a rap record, I done babbled long enough with this one. Let’s make with the matching.
The Cat In The Hat – The Cool Kids
A pushy home-invading fleabag tries to help some kids and their high-strung fish fight off boredom on a rainy day. His methods are questionable – is it really wise to just set Things loose if you don’t have a taser handy? – but his heart is in the right place, and all he really wants to do is have some fun. And The Cool Kids are all about the having of the fun. Come check the noise on “the new black version of the Beastie Boys” while you fly a kite in the hallway. You’ll feel better.
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish – Kool Keith
This book starts off simple enough, a series of descriptions of various aquatic creatures delivered in trochaic tetrameter. But from there, it goes off into an acid-trip world of strange creatures, each of them with their own bizarre needs and desires. Wait, what? Strange creatures? Bizarre desires? Did someone say Kool Keith? Paging Dr. Octagon.
The Sneetches – Dead Prez
A people divided by a trivial matter of physical appearance who are then taken advantage of by a shyster who sees an opportunity to further their division for his own profit. Such is the saga of the beach-dwelling Sneetches. It’s also a theme that Dead Prez have been rapping about since they introduced themselves as “somewhere between N.W.A. and P.E.” back in the Y2K. Put this kind of bass in the back, and you bet your ass you can teach a sneetch.
Green Eggs and Ham – Eminem with Kenneth Kaniff
He never tells us why, but Sam I Am really wants the other guy to try this plateful of green stuff, and he badgers the nameless bastard relentlessly until he finally gives in and gets hooked on it after just one bite. He loves it so much he’s willing to eat it with mice, goats, in the dark, in the rain, anywhere. Eminem’s rapped on the topic of addiction so much that by the time his major label debut dropped, he was already “tired of people saying they’re tired of hearing me rap about drugs.” On top of that, he’s a pro at switching between characters, providing a point-counterpoint between various personas. A conversation between Em as the nameless future junkie and his Ken Kaniff persona in the role of Sam I Am would light this story up.
Scrambled Eggs Super – Aesop Rock
A precocious young chef goes to the ends of the earth to find the best eggs ever laid for his Scrambled Eggs Super-Dee-Dooper Dee-Booper. While a lot of the Doctor’s rhymes roll right off the tongue, this one is a tad bit more complicated. Don’t pay attention and you’ll be tripping all over the verse. If you need a multi-syllabic tongue-twister rocked nicely and precisely, Aes Rock is your bazooka tooth. Kiss the speaker wire.
Yertle The Turtle – The Coup
Nobody likes it when some jerk gets too big for his shell. Sadly, too many peeps just let themselves become nothing more than another rung on the turtle stack. In a just world, tyrants end up “next to the ruling class, lying in a ditch, ‘cause when we start this revolution all you probably do is snitch.” There’s love for all manner of underdogs throughout the Coup’s music. This jam right here’s one of the best rap songs you’ll ever hear, though sadly, it’s also one of the corniest videos you’ll ever see.
What Was I Scared Of? – Murs
In this life, it sometimes becomes necessary to stop running, turn around, and face one’s fears. Murs is a west-coast rapper with all the swagger that comes with the hip-hop territory, but he freely admits that he’s “more Coldplay than I am Ice-T.” He could definitely rock this tale of pale green pants with nobody inside them.
The Zax – Ghostface Killah, Raekwon, and Method Man of the Wu-Tang Clan
Put Ghostface and Raekwon on a track together, and it doesn’t matter what they’re rapping about because between Ghost’s excitable yelling and the Chef’s icy delivery, it sounds like they’re arguing. It’s a powerful weapon in the Wu’s arsenal, and perfect for a story about two stubborn motherfuckers who can’t even be bothered to take a step to one side. Add in Method Man as the narrator, and ain’t nobody defeating this Wu-Tang style.
Horton Hatches The Egg – Mos Def and Talib Kweli
“Once upon a time not long ago, when people wore Adidas and lived life slow”, an elephant agreed to do a friend a solid and wound up enduring conditions quite squalid. He could have walked away at any time, but he didn’t because “an elephant’s faithful one-hundred percent.” I don’t have a really strong thematic reason for tying the best alliance in hip-hop to this particular book other than the fact that I can just hear them doing it, and it sounds dope. It sounds a bit like this.
The Lorax – El-P
The sad tale of Utopia’s senseless and willful destruction at the hands of short-sighted profiteers. True, plenty of rappers can kick a dark tale, but rapper and producer El-P has a way of laughing his way through the shades of gray and black. This is, after all, the guy that vowed “when the city burns down I’m gonna go to Disney world.” It’s lines like this that have gotten labels like “post-apocalyptic” and “dystopian” thrown at him more times than “sucker” has been rhymed with “motherfucker.”
So what do you think of this little fictional album? Are matches spot on or did I miss the mark somewhere? What other books and artists would you include?
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The Holmes only raps in his car.
