Somewhere in the midst of writing all of these Real Housewives of New Jersey recaps – spectacular and popularly-acclaimed though they may well be – I feel like we’ve entered a fugue state where time has lost all meaning and we are left lost, helpless, floating in an infinite miasma of upscale whore couture, marble-and-onyx floors, expensive lunches out and, of course, insanely hyperdramatic backstabbing. Sometimes, the sensation is glorious. At others… it leaves me stunned and off-balance, wondering how I’ve come to a point in my life where I say things like “Dude, that’s such a PROSTITUTIONWHORE move…” and fully expect everyone else to know what I’m taking about.
Am I alone in this? I came to RHONJ (and can I just mention that every time I try to type that abbreviation I end up mistyping it as RHONH? Which, of course, instantly sets my mind spinning about what a radically different show that would be… and then I fix the typo, and move on with my life.) looking for trashy, escapist fun — an opportunity to glimpse into lives of incredible opulence and infinite tackiness, where I could mock these famewhores from the safety of my ivory tower of awesomeness. And there’s been plenty of that, thank Horus Krst… but there’ve also been more and more moments of legitimate pathos that have crept in as the season has progressed, leading us to a point where I actually feel (occasional) ambivalence about skewering these people. It’s one thing to see PROSTITUTIONWHORE! as a cartoonish figure of evil and malevolence… it’s another to see her break down weeping with love and gratitude when one of the (few) people she trusts reaches out to help her in a legitimately meaningful way — and then see that love and gratitude betrayed in truly grotesque fashion almost overnight.
All of which is to say: this show has some complexity, y’all.
• This week’s episode opens with 2010 RHONJ MVP-elect PuffyChucky, fresh off her 10-year anniversary celebration, showing up with HomunuculiDad at The Brownstone (the NJ event-hosting place owned by the Sharon Osbourne family) to plan her infant daughter’s post-christening celebration. As she prepares to plunk down what I can only presume will be several bizillion dollars to rent the place out – y’know, because that’s what her infant deserves – she laments how her husband’s financial troubles are negatively impacting her life. “I used to be able to spend what I wanted, when I wanted. Now… he’s all, “Don’t spend a lot of money!” She’s (kinda) trying to make light of it, but it’s clear she’s more than a bit put off that he’s thrown the brakes on her insanely spendy lifestyle.
• That said… she doesn’t really hold back when it comes to setting up her (newest) daughter’s first big social event. Her ambitions quickly become apparent in her directions to Osbourne son #2, Chris: “I wanna have a cocktail hour – you’ll do the works – and then a sit-down dinner…” HomuculiDad jumps in for a second, trying to manager her expectations – “Just make it nice, but not too nice. You know what I mean.” – but it’s clear this train has left the station.
• HomunculiDad is looking awfully nervous these days, btw. I can’t imagine why.
• Meanwhile, 2009 RHONJ (dammit! not New Hampshire!) MVP PROSTITUTIONWHORE! takes her daughter Christine go to the doctor. A women’s medicine thing. Unsurprisingly, this goes over my head, but my wife helpfully points out, “She’s getting birth control.” Ah.
• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! explains, “Now that she’s 16, I’m taking her to her first OB/GYN appointment.” They check in, sit down in the lobby, and then PW proceeds to grill her daughter – over and over and over again – on whether or not there’s someone she’s interested in, whether or not she’s a good girl, whether or not she’s planning to become…. oh, I don’t know… a PROSTITUTIONWHORE!?! Christine refuses to engage in the conversation, which only drives PW even crazier. Meanwhile, the receptionist sits 6 feet away and looks verrrrrrry uncomfortable as she tries to avoid overhearing everything.
• I think we know how she feels.
• Anyhow. They meet the OB/GYN, who broaches the topic of sexual activity – Christine does NOT want to have this discussion – and then sells her on the rationale behind taking the HPV vaccine. PROSTITUTIONWHORE! bursts into the conversation: “Don’t have sex ever. It’s so gross.” There’s a moment of shocked silence both in the doctor’s office and in living rooms across America as we all simultaneously think: Well, sure… with Richie Shankbora, maybe.
• But she’s not done! PROSTITUTIONWHORE! prematurely explicates: “And oral sex? Can I touch on that for a moment?”
• (trying to think of something to say here that doesn’t sound totally dirty)
• (failing on every possible level)
• And on that note, we segue over to the Kim G massive monster house of massive monsterousness, where Sharon Osbourne’s son Chris is playing pool with Kim G’s son. Apropos of nothing: Chris may be the single worst pool player ever captured on film. Wow.
• Kim G wanders down into the pool room and starts talking RHONJ politics with Chris, which is awkward enough – given the strained non-relationships between Kim G and Sharon Osbourne – but more than that… Kim G is looking especially Crypt Keeper right now. Granted, she’s a Crypt Keeper coated in boatloads of bling… but it’s kind of a jarring departure from her normal appearance, and perhaps an indication of how much work her multiple teams of makeup/hair artists are performing on her 24/7.
• In any case, it quickly becomes apparent that the reason she’s imposing herself on this pool date (wait. not a date. just two guys hanging out in a basement and playing pool. really, really badly. not a date at all.) is because she wants to insert herself EVENMOREDEEPLY into the RHONJ (dammit! not New Hampshire!) onscreen world — and she’s absolutely shameless in begging Chris to set up a lunch date with his mom. It’s awkward. It’s more than awkward: it’s the Baskin-Robbins of awkward. 31 flavors of awkward, and they all suck. Chris G tries to avoid the topic, but Crypt Keeper G just keeps nagging and nagging and… finally, he acquiesces to the point that she agrees to go away. At which point we all sigh a big sigh of relief. *phew!*
• Commercial break (I’m not sure for what, because I kept having Kim G flashbacks and shuddering uncontrollably) and then we return to Chez PuffyChucky – aka The Versailles of New Jersey – where PC is dressing up her daughters like… OH MY GOD HOMUNCULIDAD IS SITTING NAKED IN THE KITCHEN EATING DINNER.
• I. WANT. TO. DIE.
• Meanwhile: Captain Zentastic sighting! Dina – aka Captain Zentastic – makes her triumphant return to the show in her role as Godmother to the new PuffyChucky baby. Within the first 10 seconds, she mentions spirituality, thereby beating the Vegas over/under by a full 5 seconds.
• So. PuffyChucky and Zentastic and naked HomunculiDad all proceed to get dressed and get the baby ready for the christening and… how can I say this gently? The child is surrounded by more fake boobs, ridiculous bling and hairspray than can possibly be legal. I’m horrified and fascinated, all at once. And thus, you have the appeal of RHONJ in a nutshell.
• The PuffyChucky family then heads into the a city for the christening – let’s pause to note that apparently none of their kids, other than the baby, are strapped into their seats – and HD notes that he’s getting kind of tired of his wife’s photographer forcing them to pose for pictures. Showing more self-knowledge than I, for one, would have credited him with, he compares himself to King Kong — reminding us of all how well things worked out when the gorilla was exposed to too much flash photography.
• And thus… HomunculiDad becomes Kong. Easy enough. (And easier for me to type.)
• Meanwhile, PROSTITUTIONWHORE! shows up at the massive monster house of massive monsterousness of Kim G (now looking less Crypt Keeper-y), who PW immediately refers to as “my dearest friend.” Which is our first ironic clue (you know, if we pretend we didn’t see the sneak previews last week) of the trouble to come.
• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! to Kim G: “Recently, I was in touch with my adoptive mom. She did her very best; however, her very best did not protect me from a lot of abuse that went on in my life.” More details — her biological mom got pregnant at 14; gave birth at 15. Put it all together… and we discover that PW is now interested in possibly finding her birth mother. “My curiosity has never become an obsession… but it’s a curiosity.” Kim G tells her to go for it. This is an unexpectedly tender moment for both women, and when they tear up… wow.
• Of course, as we’re watching this we’re all thinking of the sneak previews last week featuring the two of them screaming at each other, which adds an extra level of weirdness to this sensitive scene.
• Kim G tells PW: “I love you.” And then they hug, and… it’s kind of sweet. PW is a fucking nut job, but you get the feeling she hasn’t had a lot of positive, supportive role models in her life, and that Kim G is – to some degree – filling that role. Which, again, is both unexpectedly sweet and meshed with a boatload of weird.
• Quick segue to the christening. Kong (see how easy and natural that feels?) beams with pride as his daughter goes through the ceremony… it’s a moment of legit, unfiltered pleasure on his face, and unlike anything we’ve seen from him before. It makes him look human, if only for a moment. Although that won’t stop us from calling him Kong.
• Commercial, then on to CHRISTENINGPALOOZA, which begins with “Marie Antoinette is serving sushi.” BEST. LINE. EVER.
Marie Antoinette. Not shown: sushi.
• Mom observes the proceedings and comments, “This is like a wedding.” Which is true.
• Zentastic points out that the trim on the (6-foot tall, 5-layer) CHRISTENINGPALOOZA cake is the same as the trim on PuffyChucky’s dress. Stay klassy, New Jersey.
• And then Kong and PuffyChucky – and the chosen one their baby daughter whatshername – have a first dance at the christening. A first… huh? Wha? Even Sharon Osbourne is confused by that one.
• Not long afterwards, we see Kong stop by a table of friends and family and do a little “Salud” toast. It’s at this moment that the similarities between Kong and Tony Soprano officially become unmistakable.
• Meanwhile, PROSTITUTIONWHORE! goes out for milkshakes with her girls. She talks about her daughter Christine’s Sweet 16 party from last week, and then Christine mentions offhandedly that some “eyebrow lady” was talking about the possibility that PW might be looking for her biological mother.
• PW is stunned by this news.
• PW: “I didn’t even tell you guys. That was something I was going to share. Only one person knew about this: Kim G.” Then an aside to the camera: Kim G. She’s not who I thought she was.
• Uh oh.
• Battle stations! Man your battle stations!
• Her younger daughter tries to rationalize: “Maybe someone overheard…” PW instantly jumps all over her – more or less yelling at her in the middle of the restaurant – and then quickly apologizes and runs outside so that she can start making angry phone calls and plotting revenge.
• Christine, as her mother runs out: “Nice family dinner.”
• So who gets the first call from PROSTITUTIONWHORE? That’s right: Richie Shankbora. He’s stunned – STUNNED! – by the betrayal of Kim G. And then, it turns out, not so stunned. He was always suspicious. Even as she courted him around northern New Jersey in her massive black Bentley… he was suspicious. You can’t slip anything past Richie Shankbora — because he’s been to prison, which means he’s a great judge of character.
• Back to the CHRISTENINGPALOOZA, which – as the housewives have decided – is a baby wedding. Baby whatshername is in a baby wedding dress. There’s a baby wedding cake. A baby wedding first dance. I can only presume there are baby cash envelopes sitting on a table somewhere in The Brownstone.
• Bravo then gives us a quick sneak preview of scenes from next week’s episode — in which Kong flips a car and gets arrested for DUI. Sopranos overtones continue to get stronger and stronger. Not shown: Kong killing Christopher in the car after he flips it.
• We return from commercial to a scene in the Osbourne house, as son Chris dutifully tells his mother that Kim G wants to get together for a lunch date… and Sharon wants none of it. “I’m fine with the way things are. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Chris: “Just relaying the message.” Sharon acknowledges it as such, and then moves on. Once again, she shows FAR more common sense than any of the other housewives… which makes the fact that she’s (intelligently) divorced herself from the drama all the more unfortunate.
• Speaking of which… we flip over to Mom’s home, where her son is dressed in something horrifying but it doesn’t matter, because SHAZAM! Kim G suddenly shows up, raving like a lunatic about PROSTITUTIONWHORE! and dropping f-bombs right in front of Mom’s infant son (Mom actually kicks Kim G in the ass in response, but that does nothing to stop her energetic f-bombing). Kim G is frantic: “I cannot believe that I am here and I am discussing this woman again.” She acknowledges: everyone has been warning her all along that being a PW “friend” would bite her in the ass, and that exact thing has come to pass. As she says to Mom, “I apologize to you today, because you have been right all along.”
• Mom points out – correctly – that while Kim G has been a good and giving friend to PW, she’s also been talking behind her back. And has been, therefore, two-faced.
• Meanwhile, we discover that the reason Kim G is so frantically pissed off is because PW is talking about her behind her back… which is exactly what Kim G has been doing behind PW’s back for most of this season. Hypocrisy is fun.
• Call me a pessimist, but I’m getting the feeling that Kim G and PW may have said “I love you” to each other for the last time.
• Meanwhile, at the PROSTITUTIONWHORE! mansion, PW is plotting with Richie Shankbora. He really needs a haircut. Can I make a point here? I’m a guy. A straight guy. And even I – who never picks up on this stuff – can tell you that Richie Shankbora needs a haircut. Remember how Ric Ocasek looked in the Cars video for “You Might Think?” The 1989 shag haircut? That’s basically what Richie Shankbora is rocking right now.
Ric Osasek. Not shown: shank. Or shiv.
• Is Kim G’s house called “Portobello?” Like the mushroom? Did I hear that correctly?
• PW decides she’s going to go over to the mushroom and have it out with Kim G.
• One thing you can say about these people: they don’t keep a lot bottled up.
• (Note: I’m from New England, where bottling up emotions is an art form. Thank God we have sarcasm; otherwise, we’d explode.)
• LOOOOOOOOONG promo spot for the upcoming Real Housewives of DC — and for the record: if I start watching another Real Housewives show? Please kill me. Seriously. – and then we return to discover that Portobello is a restaurant. My bad.
• SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN! PW is only seconds into detailing her discovery of how Kim G has betrayed her confidence (about seeking out her birth mother) when Kim G goes ballistic — yelling at her, throwing a napkin at her, dropping top-of-her-lungs f-bombs (much to the dismay of both restaurant employees and the other families trying to have lunch nearby)… basically acting like a complete lunatic.
• PW finally gets up and tries to walk away, and – shades of the Upscale Whore Store Fashion Show/PuffyChucky/HND Ashley meltdown! – Kim G runs after her, screaming all the way. Say what you will, but in both scenarios PW has been the one who’s tried to walk away from the drama.
• Observation: when your behavior makes PROSTITUTIONWHORE! look calm and reasonable by comparison? Maybe it’s time to take a step back and assess what you’re doing.
• Observation 2: funny how PROSTITUTIONWHORE! keeps finding herself in situations where people are driven insane to the point where they end up screaming at her and making horrific scenes in public.
• Square tits. Wait! I can explain! As Kim G chases PW out to the front of the restaurant – and just before PW jumps into her Richie Shankbora-chauffeured Range Rover and speeds away – her last screamed word (and again: this is at a restaurant, in front of families with kids) is square tits.
• Wow.
• You can take the housewife out of New Jersey, but you can’t take the… well, okay: apparently, you can’t even take the housewife out of New Jersey.
• That Portobello scene? Was grotesque even by RHONJ standards.
• Congrats, Kim G. You’ve just made PROSTITUTIONWHORE! looks like a paragon of restraint. In Shark Week terms, it’s like DinoShark just came up out of the depths into a school of great whites and laid waste to everything. All that’s left is chum and (surgically enhanced) body parts.
• Some of which may or may not have been square.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re done. I don’t even know what to say here other than the obvious: what the fuck is wrong with these people? And given the title of this episode (and post)… are exorcisms in order? Does Bravo have exorcists on staff?
. . . . .
TwoBusy is on the Heartbreak Hill segment of the RHONJ Season 2 marathon, and wondering if he’ll drop dead before he hits the finish line.
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