About halfway through my tub of WD-40 soaked popcorn, I knew what Bruce Willis was in The Sixth Sense (spoiler alert: dead). So when the end came and everyone around me was all, “HOLYFUCKBALLS!”, I merely gathered the rest of my smuggled candy (What? I’m not paying twelve bucks for Twizzlers and Milk Duds) and bounced. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy the film. It was good. Good, for an M. Night Shamalamadingdong joint. I mean really, did you SEE The Village? What a pile of ponyloaf. At any rate, it takes a lot to take me to that “Holyfuckballs!!!” place. So, without further ado and/or razzamatazz and/or ballyhoo (awesome word), the Palinode and I proudly present……
The Top 10 “HOLYFUCKBALLS!!!” Moments in Movies.
-Now in 3D
Note: Charlie will not appear in 3D. No one wants that. You’re welcome. But the Palinode, who already exists in 4D, will be reduced by one dimension so that his very appearance will not drive you to madness.
Also note: many many spoilers are waiting for you. Do not proceed if you’re one of those anti-spoilerites. Run into the fields, anti-spoilerites, so we can hunt you through the corn.
10. Quint Gets His Ass Eaten Off By the Shark (Jaws) (note: Jaws is NOT the name of the shark. Just like there was no one in Jethro Tull named Jethro Tull)
How cool was ? That was a rhetorical question. Quint’s cracker-eating, nails-on-chalkboard, shit-talking ass is one of the hardest movie characters I’ve ever seen. I remember seeing Jaws when I was like nine, maybe? Anyway, I was waaaaaay too young to be watching Jaws. As a matter of fact, I spent the rest of the summer jumping into pools and swimming like I was running from Jehovah’s Witness propaganda for fear of The Shark lurking at the bottom of the deep end. I knew for damn sure that he was down there, waiting to eat me and my Pac-Man swimtrunks. Quint, however, was NOT afraid of The Shark. Quint wasn’t scared of shit. That’s why number ten goes to Quint. Farewell and adieu, you dear Spanish Ladies….
9. Sonny Gets Ambushed at the Tollbooth (Godfather)
Let’s stick with the hard-asses that you think will never die. Sonny Corleone. Sonny was the man. Sure, he was a hothead. Kind of a meathead really. But Sonny was no bullshit. Sony was bigger than life and the prince of the Corleone family. Brando’s seat would have gone to Sonny when the time came. That’s for sure. He was being bred to hold the reins of the Corleone family dynasty. Until…….Yup, until that fateful day at the tollbooth. I remember watching the Godfather for the first time and thinking, NO, NO, NO, NO!!! Not Sonny! How do you kill Sonny? How do you kill the next Godfather? How do you ice the Protector? With a clever set-up and a hail of gunfire, that’s how. Good thing there was Michael to fall back on. I mean really- Fredo? You could off Fredo with a sneeze. Or shoot him in a boat. Whichever.
8. Mia Wallace’s OD and Revival (Pulp Fiction)
Did you forget to breathe during that scene? Oh, you know the one. Vincent Vega is freaking out because the wife of the baddest motherfucker out there, Marcellus Wallace, has overdosed on heroin – Vega’s heroin – that she confused with teh Cocaine. Yeah, that’s the time when you shit your pants and then jump in and swim. Vega drives like a bastard to his dealer’s house and much hilarity and crazy shit doth ensue. Really though, you thought she was dead, right? Don’t lie. You know you did. Then…..the needle, shimmering adrenaline dripping from the business end, falls……BOOM! She sits bolt upright. Fucked up like a soup sandwich.
Lance (Eric Stoltz)-breathless-: “If you’re okay, say something.”
Mia Wallace (Uma super-hot Thurman): “something”.
And scene. Now, take a breath.
7. Derek Vinyard Goes Crazy-Ape Nazi Bonkers (American History X)
There is really nothing to say here. Watching American History X is like watching a tornado rip through a neighborhood playground. It scares me to think that the mindset of some of the characters in this film is not fictional. There are people out there like Derek Vinyard. I’ve met them, I’ve argued with them, I’ve bloodied them and been bloodied by them. What I was not ready for, and why number seven will be always and forever one of the most disturbing and “HOLYFUCKBALLS!!” moments in movies I’ve ever witnessed, is the pure rage, emotion, and entitlement that the character portrays. I knew Derek Vinyard was a crazy-ass skinhead racist. But I never saw that curb stomp coming. It makes my skin crawl every time.
Warning: really violent and not at all safe for work
6. Keyser Soze (The Usual Suspects)
“The Greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
-Keyser Soze
This is my swan song. This is the film that made me do a spit-take in my own living room. Bourbon and water dilute hung, trapped in time, my eyes fixed on that one-point-five-second scene where Kevin Spacey went from limp to stroll. Shaking out his disfigured hand only to light a smoke with his super-awesome gold Keyser Soze lighter. Then hop in the oilslick black bad guy car with that creepy butler guy. HOLYFUCKBALLS!!, indeed. …..and just like that *blows* he’s gone. This film is why I love movies.
And now… it’s Palinode’s turn. Behold as he arranges items in a list.
5. Luke Is Surprised By His Paternity (The Empire Strikes Back)
Okay, so my parents saw this with me and they were totally blasé about the whole thing, but for my nine year old self, Vader’s clenched fist of a line knocked me back in my seat. He’s Luke’s what? Ben was lying? Luke is the spawn of evil? But that means anyone can be evil! Good and evil must live within the hearts of every man, woman and child, just waiting to rise up and drag us by the hair into the nearest dark wood. Luke’s despairing scream summed things up perfectly.
4. John Hurt Is Hungry. Why Is He So AH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT (Alien)
If Alien taught me anything, it’s this: don’t eat heartily after a giant slimy hand attached to a tentacle bursts out of an egg sac and attaches itself to your face. Because those noodles you’re slurping down are only feeding the little alien curled up like Satan’s foetus in your stomach. It’s horrific enough when the little critter bursts out of Hurt’s stomach and takes in the crew with its glittering hate-filled eyes, but the best moment in the whole sequence comes moments before, when a spray of blood from the victim’s stomach spatters across the faces of the crew members’ faces. The shock is held for just a beat, and then it’s back to the screaming.
3. Sorry, Did You Need That Eyeball?(Un Chien Andalou)
Even in these jaded days of torture porn and Sex And The City sequels (S&TC 3: The Hands of Sarah Jessica Parker), the shock of the eyeball-slicing scene in Un Chien Andalou still drains the blood from your face and makes your hand to fly up to shield your face from the images on the screen. Luis Buñuel and Salvador Dali used a calf’s eyeball to make it look as if the man with the straight razor (Buñuel himself) was cutting into a young woman’s eye, but it’s still a disgusting and shocking moment.
Heck, here’s the whole film. Part I:
Part 2:
2. We See Dead Protagonists (The Sixth Sense)
Back in 1999, my friend Graham and I had nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon, so we decided to go see The Sixth Sense. We knew that some twist awaited us, but not a single reviewer or friend would reveal it. On the way to the theater, Graham pulled into a strip mall to get some cash from an ATM. From the passenger’s seat I watched him bump into a friend of ours and talk for a minute or so. Then he got back in and said, “Sherry just told me that she saw the movie and she loved it. Who would have thought that Bruce Willis is dead the whole time?”
Unlike Charlie, I never would have guessed. Also: Graham? We’re still friends, but I can never trust you with a movie man-date ever again.
1. Harry Lime Is Alive and Well and Living in Vienna (The Third Man)
I hesitate to include this moment on the list because it’s just so damn good, and any attempt to describe it will place a far second from the experience of watching it. Holly Martins (Joseph Cotten) comes to post-war Vienna on the invitation of his friend Harry Lime (Orson Welles), only to discover that Lime has died. But the explanation for his death makes no sense, and Martins, who has nothing better to do but pursue the mystery of Harry’s death – not to mention Harry’s Russian girlfriend – determines that it must have been a murder, and that a “third man” must have been on the scene. Eventually he finds the third man – who turns out to be Harry himself. You know what? I’m not going to tell you exactly how the reveal goes down. Watch it yourself.
So. Do you have a Holy Fuckballs moment? Do you wear them around your neck like a necklace of severed ears? I don’t know where that image comes from. Anyway, let’s hear your Fuckballs Faves in the comments.
About Charlie
