Vanilla Ice Is Back With a Brand New…Reality Show

If you have a home improvement problem, yo, Vanilla Ice will solve it.

I just thought I’d get that out of the way.

Yes, the man I hold personally responsible for uttering “flow like a harpoon daily and nightly” is set to star in a home improvement reality show. The glory premieres in October on the DIY Network, who redundantly announced that Ice, aka Robert Van Winkle, has taught himself the basics of home improvement over the past 15 years through hands-on experience.

In each episode, they say, he demonstrates his “vast knowledge in home renovation .”

Er, okay.

Now, Rock of Love made sense because Bret Michaels making out with 20 half-naked women is not a stretch. Ozzy just sat there and yelled and giggled on The Osbournes. The mental leap from parachute pants and “Ice Ice Baby too cold too cold” to hammering and sawing and maybe stencil paint is difficult to make.

DIY says he will be “calling the shots,” room by room, exposing an entirely new side that his fans have never seen.

Who these people are who are seeking out a new side of Vanilla Ice?

Who? WHO? Show yourselves, so we may all delve more deeply into this odd desire.

And who are these ingrates anyway who aren’t satisfied with what has basically been my combined mantra and Zen koan since first I heard it?

Stop. Collaborate and listen.

There’s your reality. Renovate that.

And please world, do not allow me to dvr this television program.

Source

. . . . .

Laurie has a frequent “Ice Ice Baby” earworm.