Wanna be on top? No, I am not propositioning you. I mean, I have some much better pick up lines than that. I just want to know if you really wanna be on top? On top of the modeling game? If you happened to actually get to the top, you could be the envy of the most top-est Sears catalog models of all time. That’s right, folks. It’s that time of the week again. It’s America’s Next Top Model time!
This week’s episode was, for arguments sake, pretty damned boring. We are four episodes in now and I have still yet to see any physical violence between the models. When I signed up for this show, I was promised tall, scrawny women fighting in flesh colored underwear. So far, I have only seen the flesh colored underwear, but where the fuck is the fighting? Tyra, I hold you 100% responsible for this shit. If I don’t start to see some fists flying this season, I am going to quit you like my last Valtrex prescription. Wait. Did I just say that out loud? Fuck. Inside thoughts, TJ. Inside thoughts!
Anyway, episode 4 starts out with a gratuitous scene of models playing around sleepover pillow fight style. Usually, I would be totally turned on at the mere thought of this, but these 13 year old boys wrestling around do nothing for my naughty bits. The “Yay! Look at us! We’re playful!” routine is about as cute as finding a rash on your genitals before a first date. I mean, surely that wasn’t there the night before, right? So, why does it happen now? Through a strategically placed montage, we find out that Liz (the trannylicious one) is indeed a baby mama on food stamps. She is in this bitch to win it. She has a mouth to feed, so she ain’t playin’ wit deez other girls. (Sorry, I don’t know what just happened there.) I am sure the pressure of having a kid at home is a heavy burden when you are pillow fighting with a bunch of other women. And with her being a mother, it pretty much signals to the rest of us that she will NOT be America’s Next Top Model. Thanks to a savvy reader, it’s been brought to my attention that possibly Tyra does not like babies. Why, you ask? Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but NONE of the Top Models have been mothers of any kind of human offspring. So, with Liz confessing her baby mama status, this will surely mean the end of her ANTM quest eventually.
To show that the models are actual live humans, Kacey invites some of the male models they met last episode over for a BBQ. The whole concept of models at a BBQ is absolutely hilarious. I mean, who in the fuck will actually eat? Come on, we ALL know that models don’t eat. We sure the fuck know that models don’t eat lusciously slathered spiced meats. I live in Kansas City. We are known for our methamphetamine production and our delicious BBQ. I’ve lived here my entire life and never once have I happened upon a model at one of our local BBQ joints. Actually, that’s not true. I DID see Kirstie Alley shoveling some cheesy corn in her mouth hole once. She counts as a model, right? Kacey is trying her damnedest to spark some scandal in the house. She invited these male models to serve her one and only best interest. Yes, her vagina. That in itself isn’t really all that scandalous. But the fact that she already has a boyfriend and is all up in this other male model’s grill, lends me to believe that she is just a really big fan of the penis or really wants more camera time. Take away the heavy flirtation between Kacey and her boy toy and you have an awesome recipe for some beautiful television awkwardness. Either everyone in the room was gay or none of them have ever seen a member of the opposite sex before. It was like a sixth grade dance without the Mad Dog spiked punch or Purple Passion. The boredom was palpable to the point I actually felt sorry for everyone involved. Eventually, one of the male models stood up and used the gift of speech to let the rest of the party know it was time to bounce. Monotonically, he informed everyone it was time to go and that he indeed, “Had a friend waiting”. Me thinks he might have been batting for the other team and his boyfriend wanted him asap to attend to the laundry. But what the fuck do I know? My judgment is obviously clouded. I am the one watching this show in the first place.
Commercial break. As my mind wanders off to far away mythical lands, I see that CW is back advertising Hellcats with a passion again. I think I really need to catch a glimpse of this show. I owe it to myself and science. And when it all boils down, you can’t argue with science.
Without warning or a call to arms, The Jays and Nigel Barker appear. They are standing in front of Knott’s Berry Farm (Cross Promotion! Product Placement!) to inform the models of the impending challenge. Each model has to pose and portray some sort of emotion that is given to her via microphoned instructions by Nigel Baker as they fly through the air on a fucking roller coaster. Their photo will be snapped at the end of the roller coaster like every other theme park patron. Now this is something I can get behind. The ridiculousness of these “challenges” are just too good for their own good. One of these days, I totally expect Marc Summers from Double Dare fame to jump out at one point and ask the models if they want to take the “Physical Challenge”. Each model looks absolutely silly as she crosses the end of the roller coaster and the cameras snap the photos of their petrified faces. Chris is beyond fucking terrified of roller coasters to the point she is actually flipping her wig at the mere thought of boarding this fantastic voyage. She musters up enough courage to get on an give it a go, but instantly loses her shit and cries the whole time. This makes me happy on the inside. I giggle and head to the fridge to grab another beer.
Liz (the one that looks like she is a graduate from Rupaul’s Drag U) wins the challenge du jour. And her prize? She gets a photo shoot with none other than Tyra banks herself! Oh, swoon! Tyra can just do everything. Model, produce, create and destroy matter, and photograph. Work it, girl! As usual, Liz gets to bring two of her model friends with her. They all get photographed by Tyra, listen to Tyra cross promote herself and talk about herself in the third person, and have a nice spot of tea. Yes, you read that right. They have teatime with Tyra Banks. How fucking regal. During said teatime, the two best things of the episode happen. First, you get to see Tyra stuff her face like she has never tasted food on her tongue before. But that’s not even the best part. Out of nowhere, Tyra utters the word “moist”. Moist! Yes! Finally, she has made my whole night with one tiny adjective. Yes, I know. I am a simple minded man. We’ve already been over that before, so this should come as no shock to you.
Finally, it’s the real photoshoot time. The guest photographer of the episode is Matthew Rolston. Matthew looks like a stoned treasure troll that likes to dress up in designer suits and attend random raves in rural Iowa. Don’t ask. Anyway, staying true with the ridiculous shooting themes, the models will be placed in-between two sheets of Plexiglass, given random seafood to pose with, and act like they are creature of the sea. Fan-fucking-tastic. The shoot goes off pretty much without a hitch. The only model that seemed to have issues was Liz. She kept complaining about her contacts and how she couldn’t see the camera. Her blatant bitching pissed of the top queen of them all, Mr. Jay. He was not impressed with Liz and let her know with two snaps in “Z” formation, an eye roll, and a “bitch please” look. But since she won the previous challenge, I was not worried about her safety. I knew she would be safe to fill up the camera with trannylicious images the next week.
As you know, there can only be one Highlander. Elimination this week had me guessing up until the end. I think Tyra has been reading my recaps because the girls with the most camera time this week were actually safe. Hell, not only were Kacey and Chris safe, they weren’t even in the bottom two. Once again, Tyra comes out looking like she was plucked from her 1988 Senior Prom. Her weave is all curly again and she is sporting another skintight hot pink DayGlo dress. This thing is so damned tight, I think I can actually see her right ovary from my television set. The usual procession of models occurs and each safe model is handed their Glamour Shot portrait for their portfolio. Once again, the judges have something to say about Kacey’s wardrobe. They don’t like her golden high heels this time and demand her to get rid of them. Being the saint she is, Tyra gives her the shoes off of her own feet so Kacey wouldn’t have to show her corns and bunions to the whole world. Oh that Tyra! Always working on her ticket to heaven! The top photo of the week goes to Ann once again. This makes it THREE weeks in a row for the awkward one. I am sure this will put a price on her head for next week though. The bottom two slots are occupied by Liz (likely just to prove a point about her bitching) and Rhianna. Like I said before, I knew that Liz would be safe, so that left Ms. Rhianna the odd one out. The self described “flower child” simply didn’t have enough “Smize” in her to be the top-est of them all. She was sent packing with tears rolling down her cheeks. Tyra did her best to coach her up and hug the shit out of her, but Rhianna simply wasn’t having it. She didn’t want to hug it out, she wanted to cry in front of all of America about not winning a reality show about modeling. First world problems, people. First world problems, indeed.
So, what did you think about this week’s episode? Don’t you think that Tyra would benefit from reading these recaps? Do you think that this episode was kind of lame? Judging from the preview for next week’s episode, I may actually get the violence I so covet. It’s about time Wayne Brady smacks a bitch! Oh the dramz! I just can’t wait.
About TJ Johnson
