First things first: A million trillion thanks to the awesome Laurie, who substituted for me last week. Thanks, Laurie! I swear I’ll never ask you for anything ever again! I’ll also give you an invisible box of money for your troubles. No one should have to be subjected to recapping this mess. I’m ACCLIMATED. Terrible television is my THING, man. It just wasn’t fair of me to lob it over to Laurie, and wouldn’t you know it, she did a faboo job.
Now, on to the Douchelor Pad!
Previously, there were couples (The Plastics) and there were the Outsiders, and the couples ousted all the Outsiders. Krisily and Wes were booted last week, finishing off the Outsiders except for Gwen, Nikki and Ashley (doomed) and tonight, we get a game of spin the bottle, the losers of which have to go home right away, YAY! I like this plan.
The girls pretend they’re upset that Krisily was ousted, and the guys, especially David, who TOLD her that she wasn’t on the chopping block, play the “it’s not my fault” game. Maturity!
Hey! It’s Gwen the Old! Haven’t heard from her in forever. Gwen isn’t in a relationship, basically making her an easy target. She doesn’t say anything important. HARRISON! tells us all that there are seven chicks and four dudes, so three chicks need to go. Ladies? All y’all back your bags, and he’ll see you in a few hours. And by “all y’all” he obvs means Gwen the Old, Nikki and Ashley. I know this because I’ve watched television before. Nikki is nervous, Elizabeth yaps about Kovacs and how they’re IN A RELATIONSHIP NAO, and drink for that, cause she says it every damn time she’s onscreen, Natalie is freaking for some unknown reason, Tenley whines that she’s going to have a heart attack, blah blah blah I hope Gwen the Old wins this whole damn thing, end of story. That’s not going to happen, but she’s the only one I can actually stand on this damn show.
Commercials! I would like a Droid, please. I have no idea how to use a smartphone, much less a neato one like the Droid X, but good gawddamn, I WILL LEARN. Please someone, buy me the Shiny.
Natalie looks pitiful because she’s never won a challenge. The boys are worried that their “strategizing” (which is a word not in my spell check, and the proper term would be “strategic planning”, but that’s too hard for these dipwads) will get all messed up because three of the girls are leaving. Wow, I do not care at all about this. HARRISON! introduces the game, and it’s Spin the Bottle. The dudes have to choose ONE woman to partner up with to work with as a team. If you don’t get picked, you’re done. Ouch, also, bye Gwen the Old, Nikki and Ashley. Jeebus, obvious show is obvious. Nikki is delusional that she’ll be safe (she’s not,) and David reiterates the rules of the game, which we already KNOW, because my beloved HARRISON! just told us, like, four nanoseconds ago. Thanks, Dave.
Kippers is first. Tenley or Nikki? Nikki betrayed the girls to keep Kip around, but he gets sex from Tenley, so she stays. I TOLD you that Nikki was toast. Next spin is Kovacs, who will obviously pick Lizzie, even though she’s totally insane. Kovacs pretends to waver, but picks crazy Elizabeth. They’re in a RELATIONSHIP NOW, you know. Next is Jesse the Dim, and Natalie doesn’t want him to pick her, she wants Dave. Well he doesn’t pick her, he picks Peyton of the good kissing. Dave is pure strategy, so he has to make the right decision, and that is Natalie. Bye bye, Gwen, Ashley and Nikki, you didn’t give up the poon, therefore you are gone. This show sucks. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I yearn for the Weatherman and Craig the Unfortunate. Remember crazy Michelle? Ah, those were the days.
Elizabeth lies that it’s sooooooooooo hard to see the three chicks go and that someday she’ll be OLD LIKE GWEN, and maybe still looking for love. Gwen the Old is hopeful that she’ll finally find love. MY GOD. Ashley and Nikki bemoan the fact that they weren’t in relationships in the house, and Nikki cries. DRINK. The three losers are flung into unmarked vans and sent to the glue factory for old maids.
Commercials! Ooooh, there’s a sale at PetSmart. I give the cats a side-eye, which they return, because I’ve been very good in the not-vomiting thus far in the episode, and they’re getting nervous. Serious staring contest. I win, because they’re dumb and lost interest. Also, a staring contest with my cats? I really need to get out more.
The smug couples are smug. I hate all of them. None of them really give a shit about each other, they just want the dough. They idiot their ways around guessing what the challenge will be. Kovacs knows everything about Elizabeth, but Elizabeth is a MORON and can’t remember anything, including her own address, probably. She can’t even remember that she takes Ginkgo Biloba to help her remember things. She is truly a maroon. Natalie is totally into Dave, and Dave is totally into getting the money, so that’s a lasting relationship. Kippers and Tenley are too busy swapping oral herpes to “strategize” anything. Peyton is grossed out to death by Jesse, who’s stabbing an ingrown hair on his leg with a drywall screw, and they have an idiot convo about the professional way to peel a banana. Sometimes the comedy, she writes herself. So we’ve got Team Dim over with the screw and the banana, Team Herpecin with the constant kissing, Team Braintrust, with the Ginkgo Biloba, and Team Hate with Natalie swooning over Dave, and Dave swooning over money. I LOATHE THESE PEOPLE.
Commercials! Anyone else TOTALLY FREAKED OUT by the owl movie? Owls. Talking. Saving their little world. Shiver. There’s something terribly weird going on there.
Here we go. Kippers reminds us that winning is everything. Thanks, Kip. HARRISON! tells the teams that they do EVERYTHING in couples now. OMG, we get it. Melissa uselessly tells us how a water balloon toss works. They can break three balloons before they’re disqualified. The editors REALLY TRY to make a water balloon toss suspenseful, but it doesn’t work at all. IT’S JUST A WATER BALLOON TOSS, DUDES. All the guys catch the balloons. All the girls catch the balloons. Everyone takes a step back. RIVETING TELEVISION. Okay, Peyton can’t catch, so they’re out. Y’ALL. THIS IS SO BORING. I’ll take this opportunity to tell y’all that speaking of ACTUAL riveting television, *I* will be recapping not only Dancing With the Schmucks, but ALSO The Amazing Race this season! Holy crap, a show I really like! That’s ACTUALLY ENTERTAINING! I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. Anyhoodle, Peyton and Kippers are out next, then Kovacs and Elizabeth, who is CRAZY and says she’s doing EVERYTHING for Kovacs because they’re IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW. (No they’re not.) Anyway, it’s down to Dave and Natalie, and they have to do one good toss to win. ALL NATALIE HAS TO DO IS CATCH THE FUCKING BALLOON. She does. They get immunity. Do you guys want to talk more about The Amazing Race? Because I sure as hell do. I’m so over this stupid Douchelor crap I could hurl. WAIT! I CAN hurl! I grab a kitten, and, well, you know the rest.
Commercials. Oh goddy. The David Duchovny doggie commercials for Pedigree. I don’t even HAVE a dog, and David Duchovny WANTS me to adopt a shelter dog and OH the torment. All three cats hiss at me.
So whatever, Dave and Natalie are “in a relationship” (but are they ON FACEBOOK!?!?!) and get the date. Everyone else is bitter and angry. Peyton gets all weepy cause she dropped the fackin’ balloon, and Jesse duhs that it was a team effort and not to worry. Peyton’s such a beetch. Wah wah, they lost their lifeline, they’re the only couple that isn’t a “couple” (read: they’re not boinking) and they know they’re toast. Peyton, who was JUST SAYING how LAME Jesse the Dim was when he was doing the thing with the screw and the ingrown hair and the tetanus and the lockjaw, says that Jesse’s the best person in the world. Oh Jeebs, whatever.
Over by the pool, Tenley and Natalie hatch an evil scheme. Instead of knocking out Jesse and Natalie, why not get out Kovacs and Elizabeth cause they’re the bigger threat? Natalie drops that plan on Peyton, who doesn’t buy it. Kovacs and Dave are in a bromance, and it’s not going to happen. Natalie says don’t give up. Whatever. You know what’s awesome? The ubiquitous zipline challenge they ALWAYS have on The Amazing Race. That’s always my favorite part. Ah, I can’t wait.
Commercials: Okay, Sprint? The commercial with the beetch breaking up with her boyfriend over texts, email and Facebook WHILE THEY’RE SITTING AT A DINER TOGETHER? Makes the bile rise and the kittens flee. I haaaaaaaaaaate that commercial.
Date card! “Spend the night together under the stars.” What on EARTH could that mean? A rocket ship? Oooh! A TRIP TO THE PLANETARIUM??? Oh wait, that would be cool for a dork like me, not these Plastics. Kovacs and Elizabeth spy a Lamborghini in the driveway (obvs for Dave and Natalie) but Kovacs and Elizabeth climb on top of it and grind away, like mature adults. Kovacs smarms that Elizabeth has “a bad case of Kovacs” and c’est la vie. What. A. Douche.
All the assholes go running out to the car and Dave creams his pants over the “Lambo.” OH BARF. Get over here, cats. They roar off (the cats AND Dave & Natalie) and hey, when you’ve got a camera crew, who cares about traffic laws? AND WHERE IS DAVE’S SEATBELT? Uncool, dudes. Back home, the remaining asswipes wonder if Dave and Natalie will “seal the deal.” Jesse calls everyone out on the fact that he and Peyton are Outsiders, and they’re obvs getting kicked off this week and that it should be Kovacs and Lizzie instead. Don’t think too hard, Jesse, something might fall out of your ear.
On the beach, Natalie and Dave take pics of themselves on the car. They talk about how they like each other, blee blee blah, don’t have sex on the beach, dudes, PLEASE. SAND GNATS, is all I have to say. BLEH.
Commercials. Your MOUTH is full of GERMS, like BARNACLES like the underside of a BOAT, so use Listerine or ocean beasts will start growing on your GUMS. Gag. The cats have packed wee bags and are trying to sneak out of the house without the use of opposable thumbs. They’ve had it with this show too.
FANTASY SUITE TIEMZ! It’s the same joint where Jason and Molly fell in love during their season of the Bachelor, and now they’re married, so naturally, Dave and Natalie do shots, because that’s wicked romantic. They talk about the money, and Natalie wants to spend the money on her student loans and her parents, and Dave wants to spend his on opening a company. Dave talks about his parents’ divorce, which sucks, but we hate these people so much that we couldn’t POSSIBLY care less. Dave apparently doesn’t talk to his dad anymore. I don’t care. They had an argument and Dave threw a chair through a wall. I still don’t care. It’s tough. My dead granny texts me. She doesn’t care either. Better they drink and make out, instead of talking about feelings and shit, so they do. Much better. They get in the hot tub. DRINK YOUR DRINK. They swap oral herpes. Drink.
COMMERCIALS, take me away. GAH. A mid-length trench coat like Audrey Hepburn in the rain at the end of Breakfast at Tiffany’s? At H&M for $40? I DESIRE. Minions, bring it forth, it pleases me.
Back at the whorehouse, Tenley and Kippy make out in the hot tub. Sigh. Drink. Tenley doesn’t want to go back to “Real Life” because they won’t be a “couple” because the show will be over. Oh lordo, Kippers says no, we’re totally a couple, come on now, this is REALITY. Yeah, RIGHT, and this bra I’m wearing? Totally not a padded.
Back on the date, Natalie tries to convince Dave to axe Kovacs. Dave and Kovacs are bros, though, so that’s not going to happen. Bros before hos!
Whorehouse: Kovacs and crazy ass Elizabeth. They sneak into the fantasy suite to boink. They boink in the bubble bath. They boink in the bed. Then there’s a weird convo about crazy Lizzie wanting romance and Kovacs wanting sex, and they like, DEFINITELY DEFINITELY DEFINITELY have sex, I mean, I casually say that these ho-bags boink all the time, but Kovacs and Crazy Elizabeth FOR SURE have sex, and I know this because directly afterwards, THE CRAZY takes over and Lizzie starts in with the romance and the love and the commitment and Kovacs is all “Um, we just Did It, and I just want to go to sleep, so shut your yap and take a nap,” and Lizzie crazies that Kovacs is pushing her away, and then she drops “I love you” on him and we MERCIFULLY go to…
Commercials! Okay, FORGET what I said about wanting the Droid. I want the new Blackberry. It has a real keyboard! Minions!!!!! Bring it hither!
UH OH! Liz and Kovacs get caught by Dave and Natalie in the fantasy suite. They hop in bed all together and Dave calls Kovacs awesome and the boys giggle in their bromance way as the girls scowl as dollar signs clang in their eyes. Kovacs thinks the vote is rigged for Jesse and Peyton to go home. They congratulate each other for being soulless and sticking with their plan to get to the end. The plan, apparently, was to “not have a plan.” Flawless execution, they brag. Ummmmmmmmmmmm, okay. Whatever. HOWEVER, The chicks want Lizzie and Kovacs out. So Tenley and Kippy need to be swayed in that direction. Peyton has to convince Tenley, which she tries to do. Tenley is so dim she doesn’t get it at first, but then a very weak lightbulb goes on and she realizes that maybe Peyton is right, that Liz and Kovacs should go, because they’re the biggest threat. Time to convince Kip. Through his convo with Tenley, there are all these closeups of Kippy cutting up raw chicken, which makes me grab the cats from where they’re outside hitchhiking and drag them back inside to puke on them. So the hesitant plan is to get rid of Liz and Kovacs, but Kips isn’t making any promises. I AM SO BORED. I wonder if The Amazing Race will have a gross food challenge this season. That way I can recap OTHER people puking instead of just me.
Commercials! A new horror movie with Renee Zellweger, Case 39. Looks The Ring like with the creepy kids, so I’ll definitely see it. OH WAIT. I almost wrote a whole recap without mentioning Eli Roth and The Last Exorcism! Still here for you pimping your movie and waiting for the phone to ring, Eli! Kisses!
S0 now Peyton thinks she and Jesse B have a chance because she trusts Natalie. on the other hand, Kovacs doesn’t have a worry in the world. Dave and Natalie talk about the vote. Natalie wants Kovacs out, Dave does not. HARRISON! tells the chumps that they will NOT be voting as a couple. Individual votes, baby! That means the girls have a chance to get Kovacs out! Cool, I can get behind this. The idiots all try to wrap their brains around this little switcharound. Dave and Kovacs still think Jesse and Peyton are out. But the girls are thrilled. Can they pull all fourteen of their shared brain cells together and make this happen? Time for the vote!
Oooh, Kippers has got a baaaaaaaaaald spot! That means nothing, but pleases me for some reason. Jesse tries to convince Kips to vote for Kovacs, who walks in on the convo. The same dim bulb that went off for Tenley sparks and sputters in Kovacs’ brainmeats and he duhs that HE might be up for elimination. SAY IT AIN’T SO!
Commercials! I really hate this show. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I cannot WAIT for Dancing with the Schlubs. I’ve got to get away from these Bachelor people before I catch something that penicillin doesn’t cure. Bring on the boogie!
Okay, let’s count the votes and get on with our lives. Kovacs is nervous. Elizabeth’s boobs look rilly weird and fake in her silver dress. HARRISON! reminds us that a couple will be leaving IMMEDIATELY! Other than Dave and Natalie, everyone is fair game. Tenley and Kips are safe. Two couples, one set of roses. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand they go to Liz and Kovacs. LAAAAAAAAAAAAAME. So Jesse and Peyton are gone. Jesse duhs a goodbye and they stroll off to the unmarked vans. Jesse bitches a little in the back of the van, and Peyton cries. Drink.
So the whole thing has come down to the final three couples, all of whom are the cool kids from the beginning of this shitty show. Lame lame lame lame LAMESAUCE.
But! Next week!!!!! SEASON FINALE, BABY!!!!!!!! And this shithole piece of poo show will be OVER! And oh god, a reunion too? Jeebie Chrizzie, that means a three hour show, doesn’t it. THE THINGS I DO FOR YOU PEOPLE.
You’re lucky I love you.
See ya next week!
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