Big Brother. Nine weeks down, one to go. We’re in the home stretch. Almost ready to throw in the towel. Down to the wire. So, let’s keep the ball rolling and knock this week out of the park. Read on for a no holds barred, slam dunk of a recap.
Alright, enough of the sports idioms. Let’s just get on with it, shall we?
HOH Competition continues. Hayden is out to an early lead, crediting baseball for his soft hands. Enzo is going too slow to keep up and Britney hasn’t NOT dropped and broken one. Give the competition some time and Britney stops being such a butterfingers and closes the gap. But Hayden keeps ahead of the field and pulls off the win. Britney is upset for not winning because she, for the first time, is playing on her own.
“Get rid of the foo-foo hair shampoo. It’s blue. I don’t like it.” – Lane, during Hayden’s HOH room reveal.
Uh oh. Lane can’t start the BBQ. Tick tick tick tick tick. KABOOM. “All I want is a simple hot dog and I’d prefer to keep my flesh in the process.” – Britney
“I am in the final four. I have a one in three chance…wait. Do I count myself? ‘Cause I could beat myself.” – Lane
Reaaaally gross. Hayden is making a sandwich RIGHT BESIDE a pair of Britney’s high heel shoes, which are sitting on the counter like that’s where they belong.
Hayden is makes side deals with both Lane and Enzo to try to secure his place in the final two. I predict they talk to each other and Hayden’s double talk bites him in the ass.
Out back there’s a giant piggy bank and some fake coins. The houseguests compete in a luxury competition and have the opportunity to win $10,000. Every must hide the coin with their name on it in the house. Whoever hides their coin the best, wins the money.
The game begins and the house is TRASHED. People are throwing things EVERYWHERE. Stuff is getting DESTROYED. Enzo finds Hayden’s in an unopened cereal box. Lane’s strategy is to look near where his is to throw people off. Enzo’s strategy is to look near where his is to throw people off. Britney finds Enzo’s in a wall decoration. Britney finds Lane’s in the recycling bin and wins herself 10 G’s. Yay, Brit!
Britney is so bored with everyone sleeping all the time so she goes postal on Hayden with a pillow, and that starts a house-wide pillow fight. It lasts about a minute and a half and all the lazies bow out.
Britney is stressing out about whether or not she’s still engaged. She hasn’t done anything wrong, so why wouldn’t she be? Lane is kinda hoping she isn’t and is trying to sell himself to her. But she likes “girly guys” and Lane hates roses.
Hayden and Enzo toss around the idea of evicting Lane and keeping Britney, which would be like WHAAAAAT?!!?
Eviction nominations – Lane and Britney.
Wait, Julie Chen on a Wednesday? Oh, right. DOUBLE EVICTION WEEK. Dun dun duuuuun.
Hayden put up Lane and Britney because that pair needs to be broken up. It’s Brigade ‘til the end, so Britney is the target. Lane wants Britney to win the POV so that she can vote for Enzo (Enzo is the only replacement possibility and Britney would be the only vote). He’s keeping up appearances with The Brigade, but he actually wants Britney in the final three.
Enzo is painstakingly arranging his four hairs, using a variety of products. Dude. There are only four hairs. Cut it out.
Hayden and Britney are sure that if Enzo makes it to the final two, he’ll win. He has the fewest enemies in the jury house, making him the most dangerous person in the house.
Veto Competition – THE MOST IMPORTANT COMPETITION THUS FAR. Big Brother Marquee. Eight clue along the top of each players’ station, eight on the bottom. Find the movie poster with the picture of the two players who are the answers to the clues. GO!
“My brain is backstabbing me.” – Lane
Hayden wins. Hayden wins before Lane gets even started.
Enzo and Hayden want to tell Britney about The Brigade because they feel she has a right to know why Hayden isn’t using the Veto on her. Lane doesn’t want that because she’s his only vote. They also think she’s going to cry. Obvi.
Enzo, Lane and Britney are in the HOH room. Enzo is not-so-subtly hinting at the alliance. Eventually it comes out. Britney’s pissed. She asks if she’s definitely going home and Hayden tells her that he isn’t going to use the Veto. The Brigade makes Britney cry. I hope you feel like men now, you asses. Or not. I don’t know. Whatever. I think some dust got in my eye. Shut up. I just feel sorry for Brit.
“To see Britney hurt that bad, is like one of my good dogs died.” – Lane, ever the Casanova.
Live Veto meeting. Hayden keeps the nominations the same. Immediately following, Live Eviction. Enzo gets to do the dirty deed and Britney is the final casualty of The Brigade.
“BRUH-GADE.” – Enzo
HOH Competition – Rumble in the Big Brother Jungle. Part One – players are sitting on a hanging seat being whipped at padded walls. Last one hanging on wins Part One of three. The two losers battle it out in Part Two. Winner of Part One and Part Two compete in Part Three for the final HOH.
“Now The Brigade is dead. It’s every man for himself.” – Hayden
Da boyz are still getting slammed around the backyard. Big Brother starts a torrential rain storm in the middle, so now the ropes are wet and they’re all slippery and cold.
“This is like a Texas bar fight. You get slammed from wall to wall to wall, people pour alcohol on your head and you wake up the next morning and your testicles hurt.” – Lane
Enzo falls off. This guy chokes EVERY HOH. So he goes inside and makes some pizza. Then he brings it out and eats it in front of the other two freezing, starving dudes.
This. Goes on. For EVER.
And then Lane falls off. Probably because it’s been hours since he’s been able to feel his lower half. So, Hayden wins Part One and Lane and Enzo will face off for Part Two.
Enzo’s hometown footage – Aw, geez. Enzo is a Mr. Mom, a loving husband, and a mama’s boy. I hate when there isn’t anything to make fun of. Makes my job super boring.
Jury House footage…in walks Ragan! Matt is disappointed that Ragan didn’t win, but he also doesn’t want to tell him about his wife not being sick. He takes Ragan outside to talk privately. He breaks the news to Ragan and Ragan is shocked and disappointed and devastated and feels betrayed. Matt leaves him alone for a while and later he’s joined by everyone. They have a discussion about all of their secrets. Brendon being in the medical field. Ragan, being a professor of communication. Ragan and Rachel get into A-NOTHER argument about Rachel being the root of every fight in the house. Everyone else sits and watches. Uncomfortably. AWK-WARD.
And so begins Part Two – It’s Alive. Five photos of two houseguests Frankensteined together to make one fucking ugly face. Whoever can identify the two houseguests correctly and the fastest, moves onto Part Three.
Both Lane and Enzo tie with all the photo mashups correct, but Lane completed it quicker. Lane and Hayden compete for HOH.
This upcoming week is weird, schedule-y speaking. Sunday is a Special! Edition! where we revisit past houseguests we loved and loved to hate. Then, on Wednesday, we have the two hour finale immediately following the season premier of Survivor…
…which I’ll ALSO be recapping.
I predict on Thursday I will be have overdosed on recappage.
I digress. In conclusion:
That’s it! Two people were nominated, some stuff happened, somebody got evicted. The end!