Y’all, it’s been two weeks since we’ve seen the DC Housewives, which is probably good so we all had time to detox from the cesspool of klass that was the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion. That noise was nasty, and I think we should all take a moment to salute the mighty TwoBusy on his steadfast recapping of what was undoubtedly a shitstorm of sequins and stunt weaves.
When we last saw The Real Housewives of DC, Stacie told us about her scandalous adoption story, the Coulters crashed the Black Congressional Caucus dinner, Mr. Tann wore a Cosby sweater and shooed off fake paparazzi, and Cat had a stank attitude. And the Tanns’ winery, the Tannery, is probably a bankrupt sham and totally looks like an Ozark rest stop, TRUST ME. See?
We pick up right where we left off, in a totally awkward party at the Tannery, and Mary is boozed up. I’d like to point out that Mr. Tann has a pretty epic sore on his lip. I’m not going to speculate further, but merely point out that I wouldn’t be clinking stemware with him. Randomly, his Cosby sweater starts spouting off about a stolen car and polo gear and how an agency told the Tanns that Mary’s daughter wrote on Facebook about joyriding in said stolen car. What is it with these Real Housedaughters writing about their illicit activities on Facebook?
Stacie immediately tries to clear up what Mr. Tann is saying–is he, or is he not, implicating Lolly in her own version of Grand Theft Auto/Polo Gear? He responds by claiming the FBI was monitoring the situation for six months. Yes, I’m sure the DC branch of the FBI is out sleuthing the disappearance of your polo mallet, says Just Jason. Stacie warns the Tanns that this is a pretty harsh accusation to bring towards Mary’s daughter, and Tann tries to act like she’s all concerned by noting how “devastated” they are. I should note that in Lynda’s Bravo blog about this episode, the incident in question happened almost two years before this conversation. Mary feels sucker punched, and rightly so. She’s trying to keep it together, and Stacie and Just Jason immediately jump to her defense. You guys, they rule so hard. Stacie was just on Watch What Happens Live with Puffy Chucky, looking gorgeous and acting classy. Puffy Chucky could learn a thing or twelve from Stacie, amirite?
Mr. Tann, ever the class act, says that what he cares about is his precious polo gear. My new boyfriend Just Jason says, “You know, we’re cool, but are we really talking about polo gear?” PREACH. The Tanns continue to play victim, and the Turners continue to defend Mary and Lolly while Mary slowly breaks down in tears. The Tanns then claim that it’s not about the gear, it’s about “the charity”. Suuuuuure. The Tanns are assholes. Period. Deadbeat assholes.
Mary, Just Jason, and Stacie try to figure out what just happened in the limo on the way home. Justly, Mary says if you can’t specifically, and with proof, point to exactly what Lolly is guilty of, than maybe you shouldn’t open your mouth, YOU COSBY SWEATER-WEARING HERPES-LIPPED MOTHERFUCKER.
Lynda, Cat, and Stacie are at a spa, and Cat and Stacie are filling Lynda in on the events at the Tannery. Lynda THs that even if the accusations about Lolly are true, it’s gauche to bring it up at a filmed dinner party. She then calls Mr. Tann a whackjob. Despite the fact that I agree with most of what’s coming out of her mouth, Lynda has her hair back in a high ponytail, and I’m not sure what’s going on with girlfriend’s uber-arched eyebrows, but it looks like her ponytail is pulling her face back. It’s a leetle creepy.
Mary asks Lolly about the incident, and Lolly admits that she posted something on Facebook, but that’s it. Rich notes that Mr. Tann is breaking all kinds of “man rules” by attacking his wife and daughter. Lolly calls a spade a spade and notes that the Tanns just want attention, and any kind of confrontation is giving them what they want. Tru fax. Lolly’s kinda mature, y’all. She has a real job, she’s avoiding drama, she owns my homedog Kona. I’m sorry that I compared her to that Satan-spawn Ashley on RHONJ. My bad, Lolly.
Tann’s having dinner with Jen, the personal assistant that put Cat on blast for her bitchiness at the Tannery. Tann says that Cat “certainly wasn’t being Washingtonian and certainly wasn’t being a Washingtonian lady.” Snort. Because Tann is a paragon for Washingtonian poise, manners, class, and tact; a regular Michelle Obama. I’m not saying Cat’s rolling Miss Manners’ style, but Tann has no room to talk. She then claims that she’s Cinderella to Cat, Mary, and Lynda’s wicked stepsisters. Y’all, if Tareq Salahi is Prince Charming, I’d rather clean a fucking chimney any day. Dude is a paunchy, triflin’-ass troll. Tann PSAs on the dangers of posting your transgressions on Facebook.
Rich tells Mary that he called the FBI and there’s no record of Lolly being involved in any investigations. Mary says that the Tanns create rumors to deflect attention from their own bullshit.
Cat is lunching with Edwina Rogers, “Republican Lobbyist” someplace where a harp player performs on a balcony. Fancy! I think ol’ Edwina is gunning for that #6 spot on Season 2. Just sayin’. Edwina mentions she’s been working on health care, and Cat snarks that a Republican lobbyist working on health care is an oxymoron and asks Edwina if she’d like to pay Cat’s medical bills. Snort. Damnit, Cat. Why do you have to say things that make me laugh? I need to haaaaaate you. Cat’s been in the States for 18 months, and already has $23,000 worth of medical bills. Cat, are you a socialist? She just rails Edwina, who uncomfortably sips her tea. This rocks, but I’m a commie pinko, so what do I know? What does Edwina think of Sarah Palin? Because Cat can’t believe anyone would think she’d make a good vice-president. Edwina claims she brought up health care because she’s throwing a party (huh?), and Cat can bring anyone she likes, especially her husband. Cat says she’d have to be a six feet under to vote Republican, and that they’re a dying breed. I fist pumped through this whole scene, FYI.
Ebong and Lynda are dining with Stacie and Just Jason. Nice pink pocket square, Just Jason! Stacie asks Ebong about Nigeria, since she just found out her birth father is Nigerian but doesn’t know who he is and the search is daunting
It’s now time for this week’s lesson on critical race theory! Lynda reminds the table that she grew up in southern Georgia, and she’s experienced “reverse racism”. Stacie and Just Jason’s faces immediately go into the “bitch, please” look they make whenever White people say *unfortunate* things without critically thinking about them. Okay, folks: reverse racism is a myth. Lynda may have experienced “prejudice”, that is, people judging her by the color of her skin. But “racism” involves systemic oppression and subjugation. Even if Lynda was a victim of prejudice, she was not a victim of racism, because she was still a member of the dominant White hegemony. Boom. Read some bell hooks.
ANYWAY, Just Jason notes that Lynda and Ebong’s interracial relationship draws even his attention. I’d add that the age difference is probably head-turning, as well, but whatever. Play on, player. Listen, I don’t doubt that Lynda loves Ebong and her intentions are good. I’m just saying some of the things that come out of her mouth are teachable moments when it comes to microaggressions and White privilege. We’ve got to recover the brain cells we lost in New Jersey, people.
Interstial. Mary is talking one of her non-Lolly daughters, Meghan, who fell asleep on a Ho-Ho. Once my husband fell asleep clutching a McNugget, so I’m not judging.
Cat asks her daughters to help her get dressed for the “Republican party”. She uses a simile comparing said party to the end of a glass of wine–the dregs. Isn’t the point of similes and metaphors to explain a concept one might not understand using a comparable concept that is understandable? Cat wants to dress inappropriately to have fun. Her daughters’ accents slay me. Cat want her inappropriate outfit to get her banned from any other Republican party in DC, so she might wear her wedding dress, which looks like something from Dancing With The Stars: pink mesh and feathers.
The health care party. The Tanns arrive first and immediately start working the room. Lynda THs that DC etiquette dictates that one think whatever they like, but you never say it to a person, and Stacie and Just Jason seem to be following that rule. There’s a lot of gladhanding, with David Catania, a DC councilman, making an appearance. He’s reppin’ Stacie and Just Jason, so of course they want to talk to him.
Cat rolls up, dressed, no joke, like Sarah Palin, with her Obama-photographer husband. Stacie points out Cat’s “balls of steel”. I’ll admit, Cat is totally winning me over with her leftist behavior, but her wig is a hot mess. Assistant Jen and Tann talk shit on Cat from across the room, who talks shit on them. That’s DC etiquette, though.
Edwina gets taken out on a stretcher, although some dude doesn’t explain it that way, but just says that she had to leave. Cat jokes that maybe Edwina had a change of heart and turned Dem. Then Cat puts Assistant Jen on blast for calling her bitchy at the Tannery. They snarl at each other for a while while Tann tries to change the subject. Cat THs that she can’t stand how Tann is full of shit all the time. Agreed. There’s not much about that chick that’s real, except, ironically for a Real Housewife, her boobies.
Next week: there’s crying, Mr. Tann’s mom sues him, there’s more crying. See you there.
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