Watch The Princess Bride Or I’ll Divorce You

There are very few things that are really important to keeping a good marriage. Sure, you need all that love stuff. You need all that nurturing, respect, and sex too. Those things are pretty much a given. If you have all that, chances are you’ll be just fine. But what happens when find out something so heinous about your spouse? Something so terrible she/he has been hiding it for years? Something so bad, so shocking, it rocks you to your soul?

Over the recent holiday weekend, my wife uttered a sentence that may, in fact, be the worst thing ever mumbled by a human being ever. No, she didn’t profess a deep rooted passion for Carrot Top. Nor did she tell me she was cheating on me with George Clooney. When these words spewed from her mouth, I was in a total state of shock and disarray. My mind scrambled to focus on just what her mouth was confessing. I didn’t want to accept it. Actually, I still haven’t come to terms with it.

“I’ve never seen The Princess Bride.”

And there it was. The truth was audible for the first time. My ears could barely stand to listen to the quiver in her voice. I could see a look of relief on her face. She was finally at peace. Me? I was hurt. As usual, after the hurt subsided, anger set it. “How is this possible?!”, I yelled. Instantly, I started to sweat. The air seemed thinner and thinner. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I felt dizzy. The nausea had set in.

“Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Nothing.

“As you wish!”

Still nothing.

I kept blurting out every possible quote from the movie in hope that it would spark her memory and it would suddenly dawn on her that she actually had seen it, but had just somehow forgotten it. But no matter how much of The Princess Bride I reenacted, a blank stare hit me back in the face.

“The divorce papers are in the mail.”

Without hesitation, my mouth vomited those very words. This was just way beyond unacceptable. I couldn’t even look her in the eye. I didn’t want to face reality. How in the world could we get past this point? I mean, what would she confess next?

“Lemme guess, you’ve never seen The Neverending Story either?”, I quipped back. As I watched her eyes grow ten times their normal size, I already knew her answer. For the flying fucking love of Falcor, this can’t be happening to me. Why, gawd, why? I was sure I was being punked. I scanned the van around me in hopes of seeing Ashton Kutcher and a camera crew jump out and surprise me. No luck. This was my reality. There was no escaping it. The truth was out. And as big and shocking as the truth was, I am willing to bet the marriage counseling bill will be even worse.

TJ needs his happy place.