Last week on The Amazing Race, we learned about the neato Express Pass, we toddled off to England, QVC Claire got smashed in the face with a watermelon (heehee, like we could ever forget that one), Jill and Thomas won first place and Team Broadway were sent packing. Who! Will be eliminated tonight?
Amazing Theme Music!
This! Is Eastnor Castle, which I MISIDENTIFIED last week, and of course, you, the much more intelligent (and damn good looking) commenters corrected me, because YOU are smart and I am dumb. Point to you, my eagle-eyed friends! Anyway, this is where Jill and Thomas will now get their first place head start to Accra, Ghana to find the statue of the father of Ghanaian independence. Jill’s master plan of shocking intelligence is to have Thomas think of and do everything while she just follows like a blond pilotfish, so let’s see what Thomas the super genius has to say. Thomas…thinks Accra, GHANA might just possibly be in AFRICA. Team JT is ACES in geography, dudes. I’m sure that whole “Let Thomas do everything” plan will mean nothing but smooth sailing for JT as the Race continues.
Teams QVC and Glee get directions to Heathrow by using the age old scheme of “making out with a local”. Seriously, QVC Brook leaps onboard a tractor and begs the poor dude for directions to Heathrow in exchange for a big sloppy kiss. I’d be all, “I’ll tell you where the airport is if you promise to NOT give me whatever American germs you’re covered in, Blondie, how about that?” Mallory from Team Double D hopes they see “little African babies” in Africa. Well, dearie, I think there’s a pretty good chance you’ll see African babies in Africa much moreso than, say, in ANTARCTICA, and you know what? I’m letting this one go. Yes, that’s for the best. MOVING ON. Young Kevin YouTube is rethinking racing with his dad, because he’s just being young and cocky and I raise an eyebrow, because that sounds kinda jerky. Don’t be a jerk, Young YouTube! We learn YET again that Andie from Team Bio chose adoption, and I’m not being mean, it’s seriously all they talk about, and Team Dim, true to their nickname, have absolutely nothing to say. Probably for the best.
At Heathrow Airport, we learn that we’re all bunched up on the one daily flight to Ghana. Well, that takes the wind out of our proverbial sails, with the whole “racing” part of this amazing RACE, but I guess Ghana isn’t the go-to place this year. ANYWAY! Once in Ghana, I scream, you scream, we all scream for taxis and the “Ugly American” instinct of shrieking at the top of one’s lungs when one is in a foreign country takes over in true Amazing Race fashion. The taxi drivers, who, we would assume, know Accra better than the ugly Americans, drive to the park, despite their backseat drivers being loud, demanding, and exceedingly annoying. Argh. In the incredibly crowded streets, people beg for money when the taxis are trapped in traffic. Ah, begging locals. A tried and true test of the racers’ inner strength. It happens every season, and it’s killer. It’s usually what makes at least three racers dissolve into tears by the time we get to India. Andie BioMom gives the beggars, who are literally hanging into the cab, some money, and hopes for good karma. I could say she’s a sucker, but let’s be honest, I’d do the exact same thing.
At Memorial Park, the clue instructs first place Team QVC go to the Makola Market for the task. Other teams arrive, grab the clues and get back in the taxis to look for the main entrance to the GINORMOUS outdoor market. Team Volleyball says that the market “stinks”, and I’m sure they’re thrilled that this Ugly Americanism was used as a soundbyte. Dad YouTube remembers this kind of place from when he was a kid in Taiwan, and says it’s no biggie. Um, this place is beyond huge and teeming with people, and just looking at it on my little TV gives me a panic attack, so NO, Dad YouTube, I decree this “A Biggie.” Once at the market, the Roadblock instructs that one team member must sell the equivalent of 10 American bucks worth of sunglasses for the next clue. Team QVC think they’ve got this in the bag, and as much as I dislike QVC for purely petty reasons, this IS their job, and they do have a certain advantage here to say the least. Young YouTube needs more confidence in his dad, who he continues to agonize over but ALSO picks as the salesperson for the Roadblock. If you doubt your dad so much, why don’t YOU do it, Young YouTube? Do not be a jerk, young man, this is your second warning. Nick from Team Dim gets nowhere in the selling department, Blondie QVC sells well, naturally, and Chad the Choad thinks he can sell by flirting. Choad is gravely mistaken. The other team members watch in agony as the slow task is sloooooooooooooow. Ugh, in even worse situations, Team DD is still trapped in their cab and Team Bio are pointlessly arguing over who does the task. Dudes! Amazing Rule Number Eleventy: no arguing over who does the task. It’s pointless and it wastes time.
Commercials! Fling your scale out the window and eat Special K! Your jeans will fit better! I eat Special K and I haven’t lost any weight lately. Perhaps the key is the scale-flinging. I live on the first floor, though, so…that would probably be less dramatic than it is in the commercial.
Team DD give up on their broken down cab and get another as the rest of the Americans ugly their way around the market except Blondie QVC who YET AGAIN uses kissing as the selling method. Oral herpes! The gift that keeps on giving. Chad keeps flirting to no avail, Dad YouTube is sweet as he sells, but wisely draws the line at kissing, and brilliant Thomas, feeling helpless as Jill sells, decides that screaming “JILL!” at the top of his lungs will “help”. Thank Jebuddah he’s in charge. NatKat really struggle with selling, Nick Dim’s tattoos are more interesting to the locals than the sunglasses, and as DD finally arrive, QVC of course finish first. “Peace Motor Spare Parts” is the next stop. Back in the taxis!
Dad YouTube makes his money and yay! They’re in second place. Let this be a lesson to you, Young YouTube! Other teams begin to finish as we take a crazy taxi ride to the motor shop. “Tune in or Check Out” is the Detour. Tune In involves installing a TV antenna on a house and successfully tuning in a channel (no doubt the Ghana CBS affiliate), and Check Out is to carry a COFFIN to a showroom, which isn’t weird at all. This is a perfect example of the usual choice in Detours: Brains (figure out how to install the antenna) or Brawn (lug a coffin across town on a cart). The coffins, I must add, are FANTASTIC. They’re carved to look like a symbol of the deceased’s favorite interest or their occupation. We see a camera, a fish, and an AWESOME lobster. I hope the person the lobster is for wasn’t even a fisherman, and just really loved crustaceans. My coffin would look like a DVR box, since you asked.
QVC decide to install the antenna. No word on if Blondie makes out with the Motor Shop owner. Flurry of activity: YouTube and Glee are lost and ask for directions, Choad picks the antenna, and Volleyball chooses the coffin shaped like a piano. I’m surprised that the Brawn task isn’t more popular, it’s a clumsy activity but definitely the simpler one. Glee finally finds the motor shop and picks the antenna, as do YouTube. Back at the market, Bio finally makes their money, DD and NatKat are getting frustrated as hell, Thomas is STILL yelling “Jill”, because that REALLY HELPS, THOMAS, and most awesomely of all, a lady starts dancing away with a pair of Nick Dim’s sunglasses without paying for them. NatKat are being way too timid and having NO luck, and as Nick Dim finishes, we finally catch our breath as we go to…
Commercials: Hello, Travelocity gnome. Can we talk? Can we talk about how you’re plaster, and yet are taking a bubble bath, and I’m typing out a recap covered in snoring cats and my glasses just broke? Sweartagod, they seriously just…died. I was wearing them, as I do all day every day, and one of the stems just…fell the hell off. Can you airmail me another pair of glasses, Mr. Travelocity Gnome? I can’t recap if I can’t see.
Huge flurry of activity: NatKat are FINALLY getting their mojo selling, but they’re totally in last place. QVC tries to tune the tv, and it looks like Volleyball may need that coffin, as they try to not die hauling it in the INSANE traffic. QVC gets the channel to work and the clue reads that Kanishie Market is the next Pitstop, and the final team MAY! be eliminated. Volleyball finish hauling the (hopefully empty) coffin to the showroom, and now everyone else is installing tv antennas as Dad YouTube ROCKS that mofo, much to the shock of his increasingly assholish son.
In interview-land, The Bios randomly whine about their hair, like, no one cares that your hair is frizzy, Team Bio, and yes, we get it, you share the same frizzy hair because you’re biologically related. YOU’VE MENTIONED IT ONCE OR TWICE. Back to the race. Team DD trust that their cab driver will get them to the motor shop, being that he’s FROM HERE AND ALL, and Team JT pick the camera-shaped coffin and wax non-poetic about its symbolism and blah, no one cares. Dim picks the antenna, Bio’s taxi is lost, aaaand I eat my words about trusting the cab drivers, FINE. QVC make it to the market just ahead of Volleyball, and both teams ugly American (aka yell and shove) to Phil and his ubiquitous local companion, who is carrying a gigantic basket of fishies on her lovely head, and congratulations QVC, YOU! are team #1 and win a 10 day trip to Hawaii! Wow, that’s spectacular. Damn, QVC, you might annoy, and I’m not going to stop making fun of you, but you smoked this challenge. Props to you. Oh, and congrats, Team Volleyball, you are Team #2, and your prize is NOTHING.
Glee is trying to get reception on the tv and then, for reasons unknown to man or beast, SWITCH TASKS when they don’t immediately tune in to CBS: Ghana. DUDES! You did the hard part, you just have to wiggle the antenna around to find the damn station! They’re letting just about anyone into Princeton these days. YouTube is greeted by Phil as Team #3, JT get the clue to the pit stop, Choad arrives as team #4, DD and NatKat are STILL lost going to Peace Motor, Bio ask for directions to the motor shop and now in true Amazing Race fashion, all the lost cabs are following each other in a figure eight of lunacy.
Commercials! HAHAHAHAHA! *SPLAT!* Oh, sorry, I just saw that wacky orphaned baby hijinks Katherine Heigl movie commercial for the eleventy-millionth time today and my brain stem exploded. Remember when she was like-able? Neither do I.
Back to the traffic jam. A kid leads Glee to the coffins, where villagers laugh and laugh at the dweeby white boys as one of them howls “And a child shall lead them!” Dorks. NatKat choose the coffin task and Dim finish the antenna, just as JT phind Phil and are team #5. NatKat are tying down the coffin with surgical knots, which I find completely adorable, and Glee almost get killed as they stagger across the busy street with their fish coffin. It’s a coffin shaped like a fish, not a wee casket for a mackerel, if that wasn’t clear. Team DD finish up their antenna installation, NatKat smash into a curb but keep movin’ and lug their lobster coffin to its final resting place. That was a weak and terrible coffin joke. I apologize, but seriously? This show moves so damn fast it’s making me dizzy.
Okay, here’s where things get TOTALLY insane. Dim and Glee are caught in traffic, as are DD and NatKat. They are NOT moving at ALL, and so they all start saying “PASS”. This apparently is the magic word of the day, as the drivers start to PASS like WHOA. Apparently yelping “Pass” makes cab drivers completely lose their damn minds and disregard human life and limb. It’s pretty neato. As the cabs careen through the streets at a breakneck speed, Glee wails that they don’t want to die, NatKat also, coincidentally, don’t want to die, Glee want their mommies and some diapers, and it’s all worth it cause Glee is in 6th, NatKat is 7th, and Dim is 8th. DD is still in the cab, as are Bio, and it’s a matter of cab mojo as to who is getting there first. And it’s Team DD!!!! that means Bio is last, and Phil is sorry to say they’ve been eliminated from the Race. They’re at peace, because getting to know each other was more important, and they get sobby as they talk about the gift of adoptive families and it’s touching, if not exceedingly repetitive.
Next week! I get my damn glasses fixed and Nick Dim and Dad YouTube completely lose it in the African sun. I lose it at the slightest hint of sunburn, so I can’t even imagine. See you next week!
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About Danielle Vintschger
