After last week’s frightening display of vomiting, death and airplane hangar sprinting, the losers are back in action. After a brief recapping montage, we’re back to the house.
Ada interviews that there was some post-elimination scuttle about Tina from Boring, Oregon, wanting to go home after all. Tina assembles everyone in the living room and cries and cries. She has something on her heart — the heart that looks a little like the one Dr. H. made her hold in her hand last week. She wants to go home, today, because she took $16,000 out of her 401k to take her family on a vacation and she wants to go.
Excuse me? You got accepted on Biggest Loser over Corey who fell down TWICE in the sidewalk and you had your family carrying you so you could finish and then you’re going to quit the day after you cry and send the 22-year-old gastric bypass surgery person home?
Shenanigans, Tina. That is all. Tina should get kicked off the ranch for being a total idiot stick. Everyone stares at her. Frado yells that she has a lot of nerve sending that young girl home (who he also voted for, by the way, so pipe down Frado) and then wanting to bail herself. Frado’s going to miss his son’s graduation. FRADO ANGRY SMASH GRAHHHH.
Brendan (who also voted for Allie, heeeeyyyyy) wonders aloud to the camera how selfish Tina can be, sending that poor girl home. It’s gah-bahge. Lisa rants to the group that she will stay on the ranch for awhile to learn some stuff and then leave to take care of Allie at home because she lives ten miles from her. What about her kids, the contestants ask? She can do it, Lisa says. It’s cool. Jessica says she’ll help them pack if they want to leave.
Trainer Bob enters the building.
Bob asks why Tina is crying if she just survived being eliminated. Bob quickly gets that annoyed Trainer Bob look, gaping at the group, and is like whatever Tina, this is bullshit, and says that no one there is more important than another, so suck it up, basically. Bob tells the camera that people always go crazy after the first elimination and he needs to get their asses in the gym, chop chop, so that is what he does.
A crazily-edited, allegedly hours-long circuit sort of workout ensues. Adam intelligently surmises that they’re about to get killed, impending doom, etc. Bob barks out instructions. Every single workout has to be a last chance workout because he doesn’t know when the scale will come into play, he confides. Rick calls this organized mayhem. Adam says he can tell Bob is going to put them through the wringer to see if anyone else sucks like Tina.
Bob says this is going to go on and on until he feels that each one is getting the workout they need…BRENDAN. No really. He catches Brendan slacking off. Super feisty Bob is back for week three. “I’m going to BREAK YOUR LEGS AND BEAT YOU WITH THEM,” he screams at Patrick, after putting him in some kind of painful-looking “Hop on Bob” situation. Patrick says he’s glad he didn’t crush Bob, because they need him here. For pain.
More footage of Patrick’s family who he is there for in case you missed it the other 15 times they rolled this footage so far. It’s life or death, he says. Elizabeth wants to get healthy. She loves to dance and can barely make it though one song. I’m thanking the stars she hasn’t hyperventilated yet because it makes me uncomfortable and this is all about me. There is moaning, crying, and more barfing, thankfully much less graphic than last week.
Burgandy says Bob crushes you to dust and asks you to enjoy it. Frado says this was worse than high school football training or the Marines. Bob was balls to the wall. Frado unfortunately yells a lot. He could get in the front of the train and be the horn, Rick says.
Bob sees you slacking, Brendan. Dude has eyes in the back of his head, chief. Lisa says she was so physically tired she couldn’t stand up, but remarkably for a person who could not stand, she walked out feeling good.
Jesse. Oh, Jesse. He is crying again, falling off the Stairmaster and causing general awkwardness. He’s not alert, Bob says. “What do you mean ALERT?” Jesse backtalks. Bad call. Bob means “alert” like the back of his hand means alert. Frado says there’s no way you’ll ever hear him talk back to Bob, it’s ‘Yes sir, no sir,’ all the way. Some of these people get that this is Bob’s house, they’re just barfing in it.
Bob doesn’t take back talk, he usefully informs the camera. He’s gonna ride Jesse and push him (bad visual, Trainer Bob) and when Jesse thinks he can’t do anymore that’s when he’s gonna take him another hour longer. (GAH! Bad visual! Bad!) If I were Jesse I’d shut the hell up right then. He starts to walk out. He doesn’t have shit to say to Bob right now. This is too fucking hard for him.
Oh dear. Bob tirades to the camera that he deserves respect from Jesse. You do not disrespect The Bob. Big bad Bob will lash out like you will not believe. He knows it’s one of his pitfalls, sorry, but that’s who he is, bitches. Sophia sidetalks to Jesse that he was right. Bad idea. Shhh! They all get more pain and pushups on account of Jesse’s little comments, Bob says. Jesse screams like an awkward screamer while Tina rows limply. Why is she still here? Bring Allie back now.
Back from commercials and another ominous warning of half of them again being below the yellow line, and Tina is in the kitchen showing Bob family pictures. She’s the nurturer, Bob says, having clearly done some yoga over the break so now he’s all calm.
How can she really take care of anyone else if she let herself go? Her daughter is 36 and obese, Tina says. She needs to help her. Bob yaps that Tina needs to pull from the strength of her support group then pay it forward to her daughter. She’s been given the gift of being here, the longer you stay the more you will cry — uh, I mean try, TRY. And with this conversation the big heavy hammer of the “pay it forward” theme comes down and will continue to for the next hour and a half.
Meanwhile, Jillian takes the ladies outside for an estrogen festival of pain and motivation. Jillian is losing her mind about the gender inequity in the house. Last week seven of the eight women fell below the line, she says, the first of 25 times we will hear this this week. She doesn’t want to see seven of the eight girls here failing. She wants to know why all the boys are above the line and why these asshole girls look happy about it!
“You guys are a little too Kumbaya or something,” Jill sneers. “‘All us chicks are below the yellow line but we love each other.’ Get above the line and then have the lovefest.”
Jessica is, uh, in agreeance, (what?) but then again she’s the one accused of elbowing Burgandy to win the race last week. We will not have it be a jockfest, Jillian insists. They’ve come way too far as women and with this show. It will not be a jockfest or a lovefest or a fest of any kind, apparently. She needs them in a warrior headspace.
I would like to at that point remind Jillian that most of the people crying besides Tina are the guys. Just saying.
Ali wears a stupid hat and assembles them all on a tennis court to tell them that today they’re going to play tennis with Anna Kournikova. The Biggest Loser graphics people literally put a glowing halo on Anna as she approaches. Whatever, guys. And thus begins an embarrassing display of squee from the men.
Mark is going to soil himself with excitement that the poster he had on his wall in high school has come to life. Jesse says she is slamming hot, she could have taught them calligraphy and he would have been okay. Anna says tennis gives your whole body a huge workout, so move move move, losers! Also have fun and have great attitude about it. Brendan says it’s more fun not to be in the gym, oh and working out with a supastah, learning how to play tennis. Frado yells at someone. Adam thought tennis was leisurely. Seriously?
At the end, Anna says it went fabulous, she hopes she inspired all the contestants, they inspired her. Brendan cashes in his ticket on the creeper train, saying he hugged her and he just…didn’t let go. It was almost kind of awkward, he mumbles, but she smelled good, so whateva. What love of life fiancee? Who?
Ali says that a pop challenge will give some lucky duck immunity at this week’s weigh-in. Frado says uselessly that immunity is a big deal. The deal here is that each player has a cylinder. Everyone will run around and pick up tennis balls and fill up the cylinders. When someone has 25 tennis balls in their cylinder, they are out.
Ali drones her usual challenge dronage like “Looks like everyone’s got a PLANNN here,” and I suddenly realize that she reminds me of Rick, the “Makin’ Copies Guy” from Saturday Night Live. Everything makes sense, all of a sudden.
First out is Tina. Shocker. She says obliviously that she is trying not to take it “personal.” Brendan natters that one of the men heard Burgandy say “Let’s get all the guys out,” and due to that bombshell of an unsurprising and not-at-all creative plan, they’re gonna get the GIRLS out instead. What follows is basically all of the women getting eliminated except for Jessica, who’s in this game to win it, chumps. Aaron’s the first man out, then Adam. The whining begins. Mark says it’s like hiking in the Sahara up sand dunes, like someone who has never hiked the Saharan sand dunes. The final three are the creepy bromance alliance of Brendan, Frado and Patrick, who has obviously forgotten that Rick saved his below-the-yellow-line ass last week.
Adam says they have to be cautious of these guys. At the end, Frado and Brendan are yelling NEW YORK and BOSTON uselessly at each other, and Frado wins immunity. This gives him a chance to yell again, so he’s pleased. He’s really proud of it. It won’t change anything about how he works in the gym, he lies. He’s here to lose weight.
Ali tells the crew, who appear to be growing dimmer by the minute, that tomorrow is the weigh-in. They are, somehow, shocked.
Back at the house, Brendan, Frado and Patrick talk about their bromance alliance. Patrick says they’ve formed a strong bond. Frado lies that he would rather be there the longest with them. He says he doesn’t want to be a game player, which is to say that he’s totally going to be. Patrick appears even more clueless and Brendan is working out an alliance so he can reunite with his ex-fiancee and Anna Kournikova.
Patrick says that “with Frado’s intensity, Brendan’s endurance and my fire” they’ll win, and I choke on my wine, because honestly, just get over yourself.
At the weigh-in, Jillian the wind-up doll says again that it’s unacceptable that so many girls are below the yellow line, and Ali says pointlessly again that they moved the yellow line so more people are in danger of elimination.
Frado weighs in first. He loses three pounds, going from 340 to 337. Ali scowls at Frado and asks Jillian what those numbers mean to her, because Frado doesn’t strike her as a game-player other than Frado is TOTALLY game-playing and going to lose 11 million pounds next week. Because, guess what? This is a GAME. Frado interviews that immunity wins you immunity. What? If you don’t use it to your advantage, you’re a fool.
Burgandy loses one pound, from 219 to 218. She freaks out, says she thinks that’s why people say why bother. Trainer Bob’s jaw tightens which is how you know he’s about to be Angry Trainer Bob. Why bother Burgandy? Because it pays off in the long run, he says.
Jessica’s nervous. Tina’s whining already. She needs to be a role model for her daughter. She loses four pounds, from 247 to 243. She’s thankful. Last week was a really tough week for all of them and she contributed to a lot of that.
Jillian says the women are off to a bad start. Then Sophia loses six pounds, going from 258 to 252. She’ll take it, she says, and laughs, which is entirely better than sobbing every time the camera is on her. Every small step she takes getting to her goal weight is a victory. Twenty pounds in two weeks? Not too shabby. Ada loses six pounds, going from 240 to 234. She feels good.
Lisa’s worried her bad week will show on the scale. She loses five pounds. In any other world that would be amazing, she says, implying that on the ranch it is the suckage.
Aaron loses seven pounds, going from 438 to 431. He says he guesses that’s a decent number, but he should have done better. He’s a big guy. He needs bigger numbers.
I begin to wonder if someone has replaced the Jennie O turkey with straight lard, and Bob is losing it a little. Aaron should be pulling big numbers, dropping double digits every week. He’s not here, Bob says. He’s not engaged.
And then, Adam. He wants to save his life and carry on his mom’s legacy. After a recap of the first hour and commercial we’re back to him on the scale, where he says he prayed and talked to his mom, and as much as I feel for Adam I’m starting to feel his mom’s presence in my living room and I’m not sure I’m okay with that. Adam is the first person to look thinner when he walks to the scale. He loses 12 pounds and whispers “Thank you, Mom” heavenward.
It’s hard work, he says, while Jill and Bob beam. It trumps everything, game play, strategy, whatever, which basically means BOOYAH FRADO IN YOUR FACE. Jillian gives him his spoken word Biggest Loser badge, saying look what happens when someone leads by example and elevates the people in his company. She thinks that’s rock star, and I get a little misty, can’t lie. Cut it out, Jillian. It’s much easier when I can stay mad at you. It’s Adam’s mom’s doing, he says. Adam’s mom is in the house. I’m going to start praying to Adam’s mom.
Elizabeth who has not hyperventilated once loses three pounds, from 232 to 329. Even I’m thinking “Wtf ladies?” at this point. Rick goes from 314 to 306, losing eight pounds. He’s not been under the yellow line.He will do everything in his power to keep that from happening. Mark loses 11, going from 380 to 369. He yells that he nailed it! He blew by the 370s! Who does that? WHO DOES THAT? (Editor’s note: A lot of people on The Biggest Loser, dude.) He’s lost a quarter already of what he wants to lose. Bob and Jillian look at him like they want to buy him a pony. They are so happy that some of these jokers are finally putting up the double digits.
Aaron is definitely up for elimination. He’s mad. He wants to be an example for his son. He’s got to give it his all.
Jessica is nervous but loses seven pounds, going from 268 to 261. Jillian is bobbing up and down on her tippytoes, which means she’s happy. Jess is her girl this season, clearly. There’s always one. There’s some people who don’t get it, Jill says pointedly to everyone else in the room, no matter how much you tell ‘em they’re never gonna get it. Jessica gets it. The women have been getting brutalized. Jess lost seven pounds, it’s like finally, omg, Jill interviews. This puts Tina below the line.
Jesse’s not sure he can work a whole lot harder this week. He feels like he’s going to let Bob down for beating the crap out of him in the gym. Nervous Bob is tapping his forehead, as Nervous Bob does. Jesse loses ten pounds, going from 339 to 329. He says Bob took him on as kind of a pet project. He hated it at the time but he really appreciated it. He’s glad he did good by Bob, it makes him want to go back in the gym right now. Bob looks like he’s going to scream with joy and Jesse is much cooler when he’s not being a whiny baby and falling off of exercise equipment.
Ali says ominously that another woman, Lisa, has fallen below the yellow line. Patrick’s up next. I’m still irritated with Patrick for doing an alliance dance with those other clowns when Rick saved him last week. He loses 12 pounds, from 378 to 366. He’s happy. He’s proud. Last week was a slap in the face. To come back and bounce back (because Rick saved you, dimwit) was a great feeling.
This puts Sophia below yellow line, and five women total. Jillian says here we go again. She wonders when it’s going to click in with these girls. Ada is nervous and a wreck, she’s fighting back tears, when awkward-hugger Brendan heads for the scale. Here are all his boys already above the line, he says. Brendan pays for slacking off when Bob wasn’t watching, losing only five pounds, going from 331 to 326. He says he worked really hard this week at hugging Anna Kournikova. It is what it is, he’s just gonna work hahdah in the challenge and fight to stay here. Five pounds is pretty good for a week, though, so whatever.
Ada is psyched, relieved that she’s safe. Being the number one girl isn’t enough for her, though. She wants to win. Adam and his mom had the highest percentage of weight loss, so he has the chance to save one player. He says it’s going to be a difficult decision. Burgandy says it devastating, being below the yellow line and having a week like this. She vents/begs Adam to save her. She feels like she works out six hours a day with Ada, eats the best she can, sees girls pulling huge numbers. (To which I say who? What girls? What show is she on?)
Adam knows she’ll kick butt in the challenge. He sees that fire in her eyes. He believes her, which means he isn’t going to save her at all, I think. Down in the kitchen Bob shills Yoplait’s fruit smoothies to his new best buddy Tina. He is wearing a “Vicious, evil, mean and nasty” t-shirt intended to convey just how hardcore he is. Oh, what flavors, hmm, Bob wonders aloud, pretending not to have rehearsed this ever before. Blueberry pomegranate? Try the soy milk, yo. Tina lies that it’s delicious. She tells him her talk with him helped her the other day. She needs to fight, she’s not falling on a sword. She deserves to be here, blahblahdeblahdyblah. OMG Tina with the talking. Why isn’t she on a treadmill? Bob tells her to finish up her snack and then there will be circle time in the gym. He actually says “Enjoy your YoPlait Smoothie!” I die a little.
Bob gets in Aaron’s face immediately in the gym. Then outside, Jill has Aaron and Patrick hauling around big tires. She’s sick of hearing how sweet they both are. They’re football players. What the hell? “Oh, he’s a sweetheart, he’s so sweet, if I have to hear one more time how sweet you are I’m gonna puke in my mouth!” she bellows. “COME ON SWEETHEART! I’ma call you that from now on!” Patrick and Aaron are going to beat the crap out of this tire and prove to her what they’ve got.
Bob asks Lisa and Tina why they’re still on the treadmill. Lisa says she thought he’d be mad if they quit, and Bob is pleased. He gets her crying on the bench press about letting herself go and ignoring her needs. She repeats the story about her daughter dehydrating herself so she wouldn’t look like Lisa. She lets her kids down every day. She feels worthless. Bob’s going to push her.
Brendan is relying on his alliance, he says stupidly. Brendan’s brain has melted since last week. There’s only one thing sure in life and that’s death, he says. Bob says the love shack vibe is over. They’re thinking of themselves and how they don’t want to go home. Being selfish is not a bad thing in this house.
Aaron felt Bob was talking to him when he said to fight for it. Uh, because he was. Aaron didn’t want to press Adam or sway him before, but he totally is now. He would have regretted not stepping up. He wants to be a good example for his son.
Adam (and I’m sure, his mom, and I’m saying that with love, mostly) saves Aaron. He’s not ready to go yet, to look his son in the face and let him know his father has failed him. He won’t let anybody down. Brendan says something shitty about how it might be Adam on the bottom next week, which given that Brendan is not going gangbusters is big talk.
Ali describes the challenge from hell. They are going to have to dig through 175 tons of sand to find brass rings. The people who end up without rings are up for elimination. I have one thing to say about this: Biggest Loser dump trucks FTW!
Lisa needs to be here and she’s going to dig through a big ass pile of sand to prove it. Tina can’t go home tonight. Elizabeth is prepared to dig. She has a fierce woman inside of her and she’s gonna come out.
This challenge sucks. Lisa says it was pure hell. Elizabeth’s arms hurt, but she’s still breathing, which is awesome. “Getting tired ALREADY and haven’t even gotten to the FIRST RING,” Making Copies Ali says.
Elizabeth gets the first ring. Lisa’s kicking the sand. She has sand on and in every part of her body, which, ew. Brendan’s ahms got tired, so he used his legs. Brendan spies the ring but Sophia grabs it. She admits that she basically, just, well, took it. This really pisses Brendan off, but what’s done is done. Lisa’s going to get a ring or die in the sand. Burgandy thought she was going to break down in tears.
There are four people fighting for two brass rings, Captain Obvious Ali says.
This time, if a woman grabbed it they would get it taken from them, Brendan natters. He gets the next ring, which even I will admit he deserves because Sophia jacked the last one. They are still scouring the sand. They could use a metal detector. Burgandy gets the last one, and it’s Lisa and Tina up for elimination. Burgandy says winning is the miracle of all miracles, which the water into wine people would probably dispute, but hey. She also says this is the golden brass ticket for me this week, and the Willy Wonka purist in me cringes.
Lisa was so disappointed and angry. She hasn’t been that angry in…ever, and that’s a mighty long time. Burgandy schadenfreudes that in the end the two girls who have wanted to go home the whole time are up for elimination, so wow, curiouser and curiouser. Brendan thinks Lisa’s plea is bs. Every day she writes the book of her new problem: “I want to home to my kid. I want a cigarette. I want to see my kids.”
Lisa said she got it just today! That day! Tina limply says that she’d like to stay, she totally gets it now. I would send Tina home just so I didn’t have to hear her whine. Adam says in an uncharacteristically angry fashion that he was borderline disgusted with Tina. She put him through a lot of mental anguish last week so he doesn’t think she could have cried enough tears to make him change his mind.
Jesse says it’s about finding the dedication and motivation to be here. One person has found it, and apparently it’s Lisa because he votes for Tina. Frado had an emotional week. SOME PEOPLE don’t have that dedication this week or haven’t found what clicks for them, and by SOME PEOPLE he means TINA. Patrick worked side by side with both of these ladies. One of them had their breakthrough this week, and it wasn’t Tina, because his card says “Momma Tina.” Jessica votes for Tina. Mark says the person he wants to keep wavered on going home but a light switch went off. See ya Tina.
“I love all you guys,” Tina lies. She is so obviously excited to go home she can’t see straight. Lisa is like her own child, she says. Ali is sorry but not at all sorry to tell Tina she is not the biggest loser and it is time to say goodbye. She clings to Lisa and cries and then skips her happy ass all the way back to Boring, Oregon, bless her heart.
She interviews that Biggest Loser taught her that at 58 her life can turn around. She never ran a whole mile in her life and was amazed that she did it. She’s proud she got back on the treadmill after she fell off. Her daughter has been a motivator. She can help her with all the things she’s learned here. Back at home, it’s revealed that she’s lost 58 pounds, going from 263-205. She decided she wanted to be home, which, good for you, lady, but apparently she had this revelation about the vacation and whatnot .5 seconds after she screwed Allie for no reason.
She blabs about paying it forward to her daughter, but honestly? Eh. Lost me. Her daughter seems sweet. She’s lost 85 pounds on her weight loss journey so far. It’s amazing to go work out with her daughter, Tina whines. She thinks it would be so amazing to see how it got paid forward.
Amazing. Yes.
Previews from next week indicate more mayhem, with not just a yellow line but a big scary red one too, and TWO eliminations.
Contenders, week three: I’m still calling Jessica, Adam, Mark and Frado as people I’d be surprised not to see in the final four. Lisa may be a sleeper, and I’m pulling for Ada, but the jury’s still out on Burgandy. The alliance nonsense may screw Patrick, Rick and Brendan over, and I have no idea what’s going to go down with Elizabeth and Sophia. (At least I admit when I don’t know yet.) If I had to call it today, I’d vote for a female winner of Jessica and for the guys, Adam and his mom if good triumphs over evil, Frado if we go to the dark side. I’ll reevaluate next week, and if you’re hanging in there through all of this nonsense, bless your heart too. This one’s for you:
About Laurie White
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