Conan O’Brien: In Defense of Masturbating Bears. Equality and Justice For All!

Have you seen the trailer for Conan O’Brien’s new television show? Because you should. If you have a soul with a deeply embedded love for Coco. Which, so what? I do. I can’t defend myself from that. I like his ginge. I’m not even really a ginger girl, either, but I cannot resist his sense of humor. The ginge just intensifies my love, like a symbol of fire or gastroenterological “therapeutic” ginger tea. NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW THIS. I just, you know, hear things. *cough*

So sayeth Coco in a new interview with Rolling Stone (the good parts of which haven’t yet been released, dammit), The Hot Ginge explains that he is taking the masturbating bear, a recurring character on both of his NBC shows, with him to his new home on TBS. “If there’s something we did for a long time that we’ve established as ours, we’ll figure out a way to do it,” he says. “I won’t be denied my Masturbating Bear!”

He’s referring, of course, to the “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” gag where a bear wearing a loincloth (actually a man in a costume) walked on stage and then pleasured itself to the strains of Aram Khachaturian’s famous “Sabre Dance.” It’s one of many characters and comedy bits that frequently appeared on “Late Night.” Also one of the reasons I love him so. Because, really. Bears? Masturbation? Together? HEAD EXPLODING.

What’s more, Conan’s hoping NBC takes issue with this. “What I really wanna do is be sued over the bear and then appear in court with the Masturbating Bear. ‘Your Honor, this bear can’t help himself!’” If NBC doesn’t bite on the lawsuit, would you sign a petition in the spirit of American Unity and Justice for All to make this lawsuit happen? And maybe – no, definitely – be filmed?

I’m worried about Masturbating Bear. In the wrong hands, the comfort he has with his sexuality could be compromised. And what’s a Masturbating Bear going to do without masturbating? Or, GOD, having to masturbate in front of the old blue-hairs at NBC. They frown and furrow their eyebrows at such appalling behavior (before which, you know, snorting rails off a hooker’s ass in a seedy hotel that night – ALLEGEDLY!)

Conan’s new show, rather aptly entitled, “Conan,” airs on TBS next month. TBS! The mother nature of all my favorite 80s television shows and a reliable source of such movies as “Roadhouse,” which elevates it to greater heights than any of those safe network shows. So, eff off, Leno! And Coco actually does talk about the situation with Leno and NBC, saying, “If you look at the tapes, I probably made three jokes about him, which I think I was entitled to do. But I was very careful not to go to town.”

Still, he says, the tumultuous two-week period made him “feel like, ‘OK, I’m going to go for broke. I have got nothing to lose.’ Let’s face it: I’m not going to do another television show after this one.”

But two and a half months after his final “Tonight” episode aired, he announced that he would be hosting a new TBS late night show set to premiere on Nov. 8.

Looking back, he tells NBC, “There were times when I’ve told myself, ‘Maybe I could have gone on and done ‘The Tonight Show’ for 15 years, but never had the impact that I had doing those last six shows,’ ” O’Brien said. “So maybe that moment’s a gift.”

INDEED. I’m not usually a late night talk show fan (because I’m 83 years old and go to bed after Jeopardy. Wait. Is that still on?), but I am definitely setting the DVR so I don’t miss this. Between Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert (pictured at left) and Conan, I’m just going to be walking around like Curtis Armstrong in Better Off Dead, just walking around, stopping in front of people and just, for no discernable reason, laughing in their faces. I’ve always wanted to do that.

Anyway, Masturbating Bears! Can I get a hallelujah up in this bitch? Equal rights for all, including masturbating bears. Get out of our bedrooms, gub’ment!

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