The Osservatore Romano, the Vatican’s official newspaper, announced last week that the Simpsons are Catholic and that it’s okay for parents to let their kids watch “the adventures of the little guys in yellow”. In an article called “Homer and Bart are Catholic”, the paper said “Few people know it, and he does everything to hide it. But it’s true: Homer J. Simpson is Catholic.”
First of all, that’s a bunch of bullshit because the Simpsons go to the Presbylutheran First Church of Springfield. They’re so not Catholic. You can’t just write a newspaper article and CLAIM the Simpsons. Since when is the Pope drafting people? If Catholicism tried to draft me, I’d move to Canada for sure. Because I’m not going to church. It’s never going to happen. I seriously didn’t know they forced people to be Catholic since the old days of ruthlessly slaughtering Indians and stealing their land. They still do that shit? The Vatican can still take a pagan’s house? I’m totally freaked out.
Plus? Psst, Roman Catholicism. It’s a cartoon.
Seriously now. Why are Catholics trying to figure out the religions of cartoon characters? Because the last I checked, they’re not fucking real. So not only are they wrong from inside the context of the cartoon itself, they’re also wrong from an ontological standpoint. Homer Simpson’s not a Catholic because HE’S NOT FUCKING REAL.
But thanks for the permission to let my kids watch The Simpsons, Roman Catholicism. That’s a major breakthrough in open mindedness. Now let’s maybe think about keeping your crusty ideas off my daughter’s body in terms of allowing her to decide to get an abortion or not and, LIGHT BULB, maybe allow my son to use a rubber for Christ’s sake. You’re also lagging a teensy bit behind the times with all your gay hang ups. And then there’s that whole part about the way you promote and cover up world tours for priests who like to fuck children. But hey. AT LEAST WE CAN WATCH THE GOD DAMN SIMPSONS. Thanks for that.
Did you really think that giving The Simpsons a nod would make you cool, Pope Benedict XVI?
Nice shades, dude. Do you mind if I call you P. Benny?
I’m trying to wrap my head around this. Was there a staff meeting? Addressing a declining Catholic flock? So you all brainstormed about how to foster a hipper, cooler image to attract the younger crowd? Did anyone suggest stop raping them? Just curious. Because, Roman Catholicism, whether or not Homer Simpson is a Catholic seems to me the least of your worries. And also? P. Benny! The Simpsons is a 22-year-old cartoon. Why did this take 22 years?
I know it’s like awesome and the cutting edge of thought to be tolerant and to tolerate everything and, hey man, to each his own, let it be, etc. But I’m wondering. When are we allowed to stand up and say “Enough of this reckless stupidity posing as religion”? As we live (and die) in the convulsions of earth’s sixth major extinction spasm resulting directly from the impact of human beings overpopulating and consuming the planet, Roman Catholicism has the means in its power to alter our self-destructive course by amending their backwards notions regarding abortion, contraception, and homosexuality (gay people don’t procreate). But no. Let’s perpetuate all that and bless The Simpsons to boot.
DOH!
