Marie Claire After Mike & Molly: Rough Drafts of Upcoming and Deeply Sensitive Posts

In what can only be called an act of tremendous sensitivity, good taste and even better writing, yesterday the Marie Claire website published a post in which writer Maura Kelly considered the CBS sitcom Mike & Molly with the question, Should “Fatties” Get a Room? (Hell, no, we’re not gonna link it. But feel free to hunt it down on your own, and soak up all the thoughtful insight that Ms. Kelly had to offer.)  In the wake of all the discussion that followed – and, in particular, a brilliant tweeted comment by the awesome @CecilyK (one of many salient points she offered, btw) – as well as Ms. Kelly’s closing, please-validate-me-by-telling-me-this-isn’t-the-case-plea of “Do you think I’m being an insensitive jerk?” MamaPop’s crack investigative team has gone undercover and, in the process, discovered rough drafts of what sources say may be follow-up posts planned by Marie Claire. Allegedly. *cough*

DRAFT #1: PROPOSED MARIE CLAIRE POST — EARLY NOVEMBER, 2010

Post Title: Shouldn’t Those “Gay” Guys Get A Room?

The other day, my butcher asked me, “Do you really think people feel uncomfortable when they see gay people making out on television?”

Because I can be kind of clueless — no, really! I mean it! Seriously! OMG, you guys! — I had no idea what he was talking about, so he filled me in about the ABC series Modern Family, which features all kinds of weird stuff including a gay couple whose first kiss was recently the subject of a lot of discussion. My initial response was: Hmm, being gay is one thing — but being gay on TV is pushing things too far! And while I think our country’s obsession with the whole “Don’t-Ask-Don’t-Tell” thing is unhealthy, I also think it’s at least equally crazy, albeit in the other direction, to be implicitly promoting homosexuality! No one who is as gay as Cameron and Mitchell can possibly have a healthy relationship.

So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with who are men (or women!) kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very gay person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroin addict slumping in a chair. But… I think being gay is something that most people have a ton of control over. It’s something they can change, if only they put their minds to it.

Now, don’t go getting the wrong impression: I have a few friends who seem kind of gay. I’m not some homophobic jackass. And I also know how tough it can be for truly gay people to psych themselves up to deal with regular people. But good news: I have some helpful tips! Nutrition and exercise – like Hulk Hogan used to tell us! – can do wonders. YOU CAN DO IT. Trust me.

What do you guys think? Gay people making out on TV — are you cool with it? Do you think I’m being an insensitive jerk?

(Editor’s note: Great job! This is a really carefully thought-out, well-reasoned argument, and I bet it’ll generate lots of web traffic. Awesome! Great job! Let’s go get appletinis!)

DRAFT #2: PROPOSED MARIE CLAIRE POST — THANKSGIVING, 2010

Post Title: What Is A Sweatered-American, And Why Are They Making Out On TV?

The other day, my podiatrist asked me, “Do you really think people feel uncomfortable when they see black people making out on television?”

Because I can be kind of clueless — despite all the great stuff I learn by reading magazines in the supermarket checkout aisle — I had no idea what she was talking about, so she filled me in about this show called The Cosby Show, which she’d seen in reruns and which features this well-to-do black family – including a husband who is a doctor and a wife who is a lawyer and kids who go to school and they all wear sweaters – and… well, not to beat around the bush, but the couple kisses a lot. And honestly, when I heard about that, my initial response was: Hmm, being black is one thing — but showing black people on TV who act just like my parents is downright un-American!

So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with who aren’t white and are wearing sweaters and are kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very non-white person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

Now, don’t go getting the wrong impression: Some of my best friends are black! I’m not some incredible racist prone to making vast, ill-informed generalizations based on conjecture and stupidity! I own two (2) Michael Jackson albums! And like Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney taught us, Ebony and Ivory live together in perfect harmony! Side by side on my piano keyboard! WE CAN DO IT! Trust me.

What do you guys think? People who aren’t white wearing sweaters and making out on TV — are you cool with it? Do you think I’m being an insensitive jerk?

(Editor’s note: Great job! I really like the part where you point out that some of your best friends are black — that really proves your point! Awesome! Let’s go get jello shots!)

DRAFT #3: PROPOSED MARIE CLAIRE POST — CHRISTMAS OR ONE OF THOSE OTHER HOLIDAYS, 2010

Post Title: Should “Brains” Make Out On TV?

The other day, my energist asked me, “Do you really think people feel uncomfortable when they see smart people making out on television?”

Because I can be kind of clueless — or at least that’s what people say to me, even though I don’t think they’re right because I went to college and everything — I had no idea what she was talking about, so she filled me in about this show called The Big Bang Theory, which centers around these brilliant scientists and the Cheesecake Factory waitress they hang out with, and (despite the fact that no Cheesecake Factory waitress I’ve ever known would even look twice at one of those dorks) there are many, many, many, many, many scenes of this scientist and the waitress making out. As if!

My initial response was: Hmm, being smart is one thing — but showing smart people actually having girlfriends is crazy! And while I think our country’s obsession with physical attractiveness is unhealthy, I also think it’s at least equally crazy, albeit in the other direction, to be implicitly promoting smart people as being capable of having a real girlfriend! And it would have to be a girlfriend, because everyone knows that there are no women scientists! FACT! Yes, not being some kind of rocket scientist means your maybe not the smartest person in the room, but at least some not really smart people are simply naturally attractive. No one who is as smart as Leonard and Shelden and Howard and that Indian guy can ever have a girlfriend. And ungoodlookingness is costing our country far more in terms of all the related health problems we are paying for, by way of our reputation in the global community, than any other problem, even high fructose corn syrup or homelessness.

So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch smart people kissing other people or even (gag) kissing (gag) each other (GAG!) … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very smart person simply talk to normal people — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

Now, don’t go getting the wrong impression: I have a few friends who could be called smart. Or smartish. And I also know how tough it can be for truly smart people to psych themselves up for the long process of trying not to spend their lives alone with their microscopes, the way nature intended. (For instance, the IT guy at Marie Claire has talked to me a little bit about how it seems worthless for him to even try making friends at this magazine, because he’s been smart for as long as he can remember.)

But … I think smartitude is something that most people have a ton of control over. It’s something they can change, if only they put their minds to it. Or don’t! That was a joke! On purpose! (I’m happy to give smart people some dating suggestions if you need them — but long story short, be less of a reject, stop reading and avoid long words, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to be someone else. I admit that there’s plenty that makes being kind of dumb tough, but YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me. It will take some time, but you’ll also feel so good, emotionally and physically and spiritually. If I can do it, so can you!)

What do you guys think? Smart people making out on TV — are you cool with it? Do you think I’m being an insensitive jerk?

(Editor’s note: Great job! Everyone can relate to this because everyone is just like you! Awesome! Let’s go get mojitos!)

• • •

UPDATE: Maura Kelly has tacked an addendum onto her original Marie Claire post in which she apologizes “for the insensitive things I’ve said in this post. Believe it or not, I never wanted anyone to feel bullied or ashamed after reading this, and I sorely regret that it upset people so much. A lot of what I said was unnecessary; it wasn’t productive, either.” We can only presume that an apology from Marie Claire for allowing this to actually happen in the first place is still forthcoming. Further updates as events warrant!