The Definitive Guide of Celebrity Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong
When you arrive in Hollywood and fill out your Celebrity Application, it helps to (a) be good looking or, at the very least, (b) be ugly enough to be intriguing and a willingness to play the oddball character for the rest of your life. Most celebrities are beyond beautiful; freaks of nature and the result of perfectly aligned constellations and we, as observers, cannot get enough. We’re fascinated.
So, why then, do they fuck with their faces?
Here’s some of our favorite offenders…
Carrot Top
Part of Carrot Top’s charm way back when was his embracing of his eccentricities. Tall and thin with a mop of near-fluorescent orange hair, he looked like a bloody Q-Tip. And we loved him for it because what he lacked in conventional attractiveness he more than made up for it in his comedy. I remember seeing him live in the late 90s and I loved his act and loved him.
I’m not sure when he changed. Or, for that matter, why. I repeat: WHY? His smooth porcelain skin turned pocky, he robbed Joan Crawford of her eyebrows and, stab me repeatedly with a syringe, bulked up in a major way. The result is horrifying and unnecessary. He looks like the product of the Incredible Hulk mating with Little Orphan Annie.
How about some more? Is that not enough for you to haunt your dreams and nightmares and be forever seared in the part of the brain that hates you and will give you flashbacks of this outrageous orange afro’ed demon beast? Well, have some more. I live to give.
I won’t be able to sleep tonight.
Lisa Rinna
Holy Mother of Chicken Cutlets and Silicone, this is by no means a positive transformation. It makes me, to borrow a term from the youths, go like whoa. LIKE WHOA. Rinna was gorgeous and it looks like she got her entire face redone, restructured, plumped and sucked. If you let your eyes go out of focus and stare at her lips, you’ll see Beelzebub himself staring right back at you. It’s like those posters we had in college. I can’t just pick one unfortunate feature, but were I to try, her lips strike me most. I mean that literally. They actually punch me in the face when I look at them. No, really. I have a black eye, and I’ve had blisters that looked better than this. What happens when you over inject? Will they pop?
Janice Dickenson
Self-described as the “World’s First Supermodel,” Janice Dickenson was truly, stunningly, breathtakingly beautiful. Women now would kill for her lips, her face. I understand that it’s hard to age in Hollywood, but I really have a hard time looking at her picture, for example, and thinking, “She won’t age gracefully.” You can’t have a face like she did and not age gracefully. She has transformed herself into what would happen if Cruella DeVille ate Steven Tyler’s face. What the eff did you do to yourself, Jan?
Jocelyn Wildenstein
I had to Wiki this Jocelyn Wildenstein person when I saw that hers was actually a real, living face full of cells and skin and which would have to share the same biochemistry as any other faces from the skin to the muscles to…nevermind. There’s no way this lady can be real. Does she have blood cells? Are her facial muscles concrete slabs? Wiki describes Ms. Wildenstein (aka “The Lion Queen” and “The Cat Woman”) as a wealthy socialite who has been given the unfortunate nickname (along with the others), “The Bride of Wildenstein.” She has apparently shelled out over $4M to look like this, shown below. But first, look at her “before” photo and see if you can think of $4,000,000 of plastic surgery she could get or would “need.”
Can’t come up with $4,000,000 worth? Me neither. But, behold:
She was stunning, and this is sad and I am not going to make fun of her right now. She is the one piece of evidence that, to me, speaks to plastic surgery can be addictive and can turn a switch in one’s brain, like disordered eating or something. I cannot imagine someone doing this to herself without some sort of mental illness going on.
Kenny Rogers
Oh, Kenny. Kenny! At least Kenny Rogers is candid about his regrets going under the knife. The 71-year-old told the National Enquirer in 2008, “I’m the plastic surgery king. I’m a bionic man! Every part of my body has been scooped or something at one time. I kind of wish I hadn’t done it. Looking back at some pictures of myself, my eyes were a lot warmer than they are now, and I miss that. They have settled in a lot and they’re not as bad as they were right after surgery.” He adds, “I didn’t want to be an old man with this young girl. I didn’t want to look like an old man. As you go through life, you make choices. Some are good, some are bad.”
Indeed, Kenny. Indeed.
Jessica Simpson
I personally find Jessica Simpson pretty, but she was gorgeous without those huge duck lips. The trout pout is so unnatural and it baffles me that anyone would find these lips an improvement. I’m all for plastic surgery, don’t get me wrong. For me, though, adding stuff is creepy if you don’t really need it (i.e., someone with a small chest getting a boob job or someone with absolutely no lips getting some plumping seems okay enough). Having stuff taken out is okay to me, if only because I’d do it myself.
Rose McGowan
Formerly gorgeous and fresh-faced, McGowan looks to have had her lips done, her nose reshaped, cheek implants, a brow lift and a face lift? I’m not a professional, but everything looks stretched super tight and lifted. There was no reason for this at all.
Heidi Montag
Although I throw up in my mouth when I think of her as a “celebrity,” she’s definitely in the public eye despite our protest. Proud of her plastic surgery, Montag posed for People and claimed to have a whopping 11 different procedures in one day. As with the others, the “before” photograph is so much more attractive and natural. She’s 24. She’s a baby. That she felt she needed to take such drastic measures on her body makes me incredibly sad, and not in a bitchy judge-y way. Just genuinely sad that she (and everyone else) couldn’t see their own natural beauty before they messed with it.
Gary Busey
Commenter Cats kindly informed me that Gary Busey was in a motorbike accident and his work is the product of reconstructive surgery, not plastic surgery. I did not know this and I am glad to. Therefore, I’m taking his photos down in the interest of kindness. Stuff like that shouldn’t be mocked. Thanks again, Cats.
BUT…I do have someone to fill his slot. See below under the updates. (Hint: Wayne Newton!)
More on Page 2!
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