The Definitive Guide of Celebrity Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong
10/2/2010: UPDATED (AGAIN ^2)! Keep ‘em coming!
When you arrive in Hollywood and fill out your Celebrity Application, it helps to (a) be good looking or, at the very least, (b) be ugly enough to be intriguing and a willingness to play the oddball character for the rest of your life. Most celebrities are beyond beautiful; freaks of nature and the result of perfectly aligned constellations and we, as observers, cannot get enough. We’re fascinated.
So, why then, do they fuck with their faces?
Here’s some of my favorite offenders; feel free to offer your own in the comments!
Carrot Top
Part of Carrot Top’s charm way back when was his embracing of his eccentricities. Tall and thin with a mop of near-fluorescent orange hair, he looked like a bloody Q-Tip. And we loved him for it because what he lacked in conventional attractiveness he more than made up for it in his comedy. I remember seeing him live in the late 90s and I loved his act and loved him.
I’m not sure when he changed. Or, for that matter, why. I repeat: WHY? His smooth porcelain skin turned pocky, he robbed Joan Crawford of her eyebrows and, stab me repeatedly with a syringe, bulked up in a major way. The result is horrifying and unnecessary. He looks like the product of the Incredible Hulk mating with Little Orphan Annie.
How about some more? Is that not enough for you to haunt your dreams and nightmares and be forever seared in the part of the brain that hates you and will give you flashbacks of this outrageous orange afro’ed demon beast? Well, have some more. I live to give.
I won’t be able to sleep tonight.
Lisa Rinna
Holy Mother of Chicken Cutlets and Silicone, this is by no means a positive transformation. It makes me, to borrow a term from the youths, go like whoa. LIKE WHOA. Rinna was gorgeous and it looks like she got her entire face redone, restructured, plumped and sucked. If you let your eyes go out of focus and stare at her lips, you’ll see Beelzebub himself staring right back at you. It’s like those posters we had in college. I can’t just pick one unfortunate feature, but were I to try, her lips strike me most. I mean that literally. They actually punch me in the face when I look at them. No, really. I have a black eye, and I’ve had blisters that looked better than this. What happens when you over inject? Will they pop?
Janice Dickenson
Self-described as the “World’s First Supermodel,” Janice Dickenson was truly, stunningly, breathtakingly beautiful. Women now would kill for her lips, her face. I understand that it’s hard to age in Hollywood, but I really have a hard time looking at her picture, for example, and thinking, “She won’t age gracefully.” You can’t have a face like she did and not age gracefully. She has transformed herself into what would happen if Cruella DeVille ate Steven Tyler’s face. What the eff did you do to yourself, Jan?
Jocelyn Wildenstein
I had to Wiki this Jocelyn Wildenstein person when I saw that hers was actually a real, living face full of cells and skin and which would have to share the same biochemistry as any other faces from the skin to the muscles to…nevermind. There’s no way this lady can be real. Does she have blood cells? Are her facial muscles concrete slabs? Wiki describes Ms. Wildenstein (aka “The Lion Queen” and “The Cat Woman”) as a wealthy socialite who has been given the unfortunate nickname (along with the others), “The Bride of Wildenstein.” She has apparently shelled out over $4M to look like this, shown below. But first, look at her “before” photo and see if you can think of $4,000,000 of plastic surgery she could get or would “need.”
Can’t come up with $4,000,000 worth? Me neither. But, behold:
She was stunning, and this is sad and I am not going to make fun of her right now. She is the one piece of evidence that, to me, speaks to plastic surgery can be addictive and can turn a switch in one’s brain, like disordered eating or something. I cannot imagine someone doing this to herself without some sort of mental illness going on.
Kenny Rogers
Oh, Kenny. Kenny! At least Kenny Rogers is candid about his regrets going under the knife. The 71-year-old told the National Enquirer in 2008, “I’m the plastic surgery king. I’m a bionic man! Every part of my body has been scooped or something at one time. I kind of wish I hadn’t done it. Looking back at some pictures of myself, my eyes were a lot warmer than they are now, and I miss that. They have settled in a lot and they’re not as bad as they were right after surgery.” He adds, “I didn’t want to be an old man with this young girl. I didn’t want to look like an old man. As you go through life, you make choices. Some are good, some are bad.”
Indeed, Kenny. Indeed.
Jessica Simpson
I personally find Jessica Simpson pretty, but she was gorgeous without those huge duck lips. The trout pout is so unnatural and it baffles me that anyone would find these lips an improvement. I’m all for plastic surgery, don’t get me wrong. For me, though, adding stuff is creepy if you don’t really need it (i.e., someone with a small chest getting a boob job or someone with absolutely no lips getting some plumping seems okay enough). Having stuff taken out is okay to me, if only because I’d do it myself.
Rose McGowan
Formerly gorgeous and fresh-faced, McGowan looks to have had her lips done, her nose reshaped, cheek implants, a brow lift and a face lift? I’m not a professional, but everything looks stretched super tight and lifted. There was no reason for this at all.
Heidi Montag
Although I throw up in my mouth when I think of her as a “celebrity,” she’s definitely in the public eye despite our protest. Proud of her plastic surgery, Montag posed for People and claimed to have a whopping 11 different procedures in one day. As with the others, the “before” photograph is so much more attractive and natural. She’s 24. She’s a baby. That she felt she needed to take such drastic measures on her body makes me incredibly sad, and not in a bitchy judge-y way. Just genuinely sad that she (and everyone else) couldn’t see their own natural beauty before they messed with it.
Gary Busey
Commenter Cats kindly informed me that Gary Busey was in a motorbike accident and his work is the product of reconstructive surgery, not plastic surgery. I did not know this and I am glad to. Therefore, I’m taking his photos down in the interest of kindness. Stuff like that shouldn’t be mocked. Thanks again, Cats.
BUT…I do have someone to fill his slot. See below under the updates. (Hint: Wayne Newton!)
Mickey Rourke
I read a comment on Reddit.com (and I think someone mentioned it here as well) that Mickey’s surgery was reconstructive. As with Gary Busey, I’m taking his photos and my comments down in the interest of kindness. I didn’t know his was reconstructive and I don’t want to joke about it. Thanks for pointing this out.
Ali Lohan
The girl is still in her teens and entered the public eye when she was about 13 or 14. Since then she’s been dragged around by Lindsay, clubbing and starting to live hard far too early. And we all know Dina is no mother. How does a 13 or 14 year old get plastic surgery? This might be puberty, but there have been rumors that she has gone under the knife and her lips and nose look a little different to me. So, this one is unconfirmed.
So…did she just grow up or was there surgery involved? And, if there was surgery, what kind of doctor would perform plastic surgery on a barely teenaged girl?
Holly Madison
I guess I always figured Holly Madison always looked like she does now. Obviously she had a boob job, but I never thought she’d have once looked like the gal in Accounts Receivable who drinks too much at office parties and wears holiday-themed socks.
Nikki Cox
I think this gal was on that Las Vegas show with Josh Duhamel, and she’s married to comedian Jay Mohr. This is just unfortunate. This is Jocelyn Wildenstein-like.
Donatella Versace
I… nevermind.
My only thought is this:
Megan Fox
I’ve heard Megan Fox has had a lot of work done, but having never seen any of her movies I don’t have a way to compare. Now it’s apparent.
Tori Amos
Reader and commenter kaybee suggested I take a look at Tori Amos. HO-LEE CHOW, WHAT??! This is the saddest one of all for me. Oh my God. Here’s Tori before – so gorgeous.
And here’s her after:
[ ..... ] = no words. Thanks, kaybee!!
Michael Jackson
Reader and commenter Half Assed Kitchen suggested the original casualty – Michael Jackson. I was going to include him but figured everyone had already seen the devastation, but I’m glad she raised it because he is, truly, the original. Thanks, H.A.K!!
Joan Van Ark
Reader and commenter Fawn Amber piped in with two pants crappingly awful plastic surgeries. First, Joan Van Ark. Oh, Valene Ewing, what did you do?!
A lot, actually. STAY AWAY FROM THE FROSTED EYE SHADOW. MAC needs to get a PPO, stat.
Hunter Tylo
Acting in All My Children and The Bold and the Beautiful, Hunter Tylo was a regular in soaps. Here she is, then and now. Thanks, Fawn Amber. (This was the best comparison I could find.)
Wayne Newton
Wayne is no longer a celebrity; he works for Mary Kay doing home makeovers. His clientele includes himself, obviously, and he specializes in elderly women who want to test their makeup for their funeral records. More and more people are planning for their funerals the past several years, and I think it’s very responsible planning. Makeup tends to be very terrible in the funeral parlor. Wayne is modeling his favorite look below.
Ally Walker
Reader and commenter Jonniker suggested Ally Walker, but I wasn’t able to find a good comparison. I used to love Profiler, though.
Pete Burns
Reader and commenter Lena suggested we add Pete Burns to the list. Having no idea who Pete Burns is, I set off to find him, figuring I’d recognize him if I saw a photo.
And then I shit my pants.
Lena, you are now being investigated by Homeland Security for the terrorist attack you committed on my eyes. MY EYES, THEY BURN. What on earth is this?
Reader and commenter Julie had two very good suggestions to add: Mary Tyler Moore and Marlo Thomas. Let’s have a look, shall we?
Mary Tyler Moore
Her left eye is watching you. Hey, maybe an enemy told her once to “sleep with one eye open.” AND SO SHE DID.
Marlo Thomas
What’s with everyone getting the Jackson Family Nose? You know Joe Jackson patented the shit out of it, too. He’s probably made millions that he neglects to tell the IRS.
Meg Ryan
Commenter Caitlyn offered up a classic – one of the very first casualties I can remember. The shock of seeing her normal and then seeing her emerge after plastic surgery was ridiculous. Her lips are stretched like Heath Ledger’s The Joker. I think she might be the first person to go under the knife to get some jowls!
I have a few more to add, myself.
Priscilla Presley
Before:
And…wait. Are you sitting down? Do you have a receptacle for any projectile vomiting? If no, get one. We’ll wait.
After:
I mean, I hate to be mean, but this shit is seriously bumming me out. Is plastic surgery reversible? Why haven’t they sued? Or do they like this look? Look, growing old and showing signs of age is understandably upsetting to people in the public eye, but it’s classy. People respect that. Look at Lauren Hutton! She hasn’t done a thing (that I know of) and she looks gorgeous aging naturally!
Carla Bruni
For those who don’t know, Carla Bruni used to be a supermodel. I’m almost certain she was a Victoria’s Secret model, but regardless, I remember her as a big name in the modeling industry. I’m too lazy to look up the details.
Not so much anymore, and I’m thinking it doesn’t have anything to do with marrying Sarkosy.
Carla before:
Carla after:
This picture makes me tighten my asshole so hard I’m barely on my chair. Did she get plastic surgery to replace her eyeballs with black marbles? I’m seriously creeped the fuck out right now.
Joan Rivers
Suggested by commenter migranejane, Joan Rivers is probably the one person most famous for her plastic surgery. After her husband committed suicide, her face started to look like hot dough. She looks like a muppet. An evil muppet.
Melissa Rivers
Also suggested by migranejane, Melissa Rivers is another casualty. Like mother like daughter, amirite?
It looks like she’s had more work done since ’08, though:
Speaking of hot dough, Melissa’s post-surgery(ies) have her looking like one of those Pillsbury dough cans that pop and ooze dough out of the cardboard. Woof.
Courtney Love
Former Hole singer, Courtney is probably most remembered for marrying Kurt Cobain. She has had a lot of work done. A LOT. I don’t remember her looking like she did in the picture of her at her youngest, but wow does Frances Bean look like her.
And here’s Courtney earlier this year:
This bitch is the spokeswhore for avoiding plastic surgery. Another contender for Janice from The Muppet Show!
Reader and commenter Iris is going buck ass nuts with all the suggestions (I mean that in a good way) and my eyes are now starting to crust and swell. I may need a doctor soon. The following are her nominations:
Nicole Kidman
Nicky Kidman, what the hell did you do to your face? Did you see her in her first movies? Do you remember what she looked like back then? She looked like a porcelain doll. Beautifully curly red hair, fresh faced and on the road to mega-stardom. She used to look like this (photos from Eyes Wide Shut and Cold Mountain, respectivey):
And then she went and fucked with that beautiful, natural face and gained a third lip in the process. I wonder if the mens think she’s a better kisser, what with the extra lip and all. Maybe her husband Keith Urban just pretends he’s kissing a vagina, because that’s sort of what it looks like here.
And to the folks who think I’m just posting the worst pictures, you are half correct. I’m using what I can find that’s recent and if there’s a recent horrible image and one where the celebrity looks better, I’m going to pick the uglier one. Why? It’s kinda the whole fucking point of the article – surgery gone wrong. Just because it’s a terrible photo, like below, doesn’t mean it’s not her.
Judge Reinhold
I always had a crush on Judge Reinhold – he was handsome but not exceedingly so – he looked like a normal guy you’d find watching the game or terrorizing pledges in his fraternity house. He was great in Beverly Hills Cop as the straight guy to Axel Foley’s outlandishness, but he hasn’t been so lucky since the franchise ended. His lates work includes appearances in Easy Money and the Oscar-worthy Dr. Doolittle: Million Dollar Mutts. His most captivating work, however, isn’t in the movie pictures. It’s the work he had done on his face. What. The. Fuck.
Here’s another comparison, from 2007-2010.
He’s not the worst offender, but it’s disappointing nonetheless.
Burt Muthafucking Reynolds, Bitches (His birth name.)
Get out your rosary beads or your meditation mat. Burt Reynolds died four years ago, but his corpse is walking around reanimated. Zombie Burt is a Zombie.
It appears he had some newer work done and now at least he doesn’t look like one of those clay busts they make to catch criminals.
Melanie Griffith
Mel has enjoyed a long career in her plastic surgeon’s office.
And here’s another recent one because why the hell not. Does she look better now? Worse? Me, I like the 1994 photo.
Victoria Principal
Vicky Principal played Pamela Barnes on Dallas, a popular nighttime soap opera to which I was addicted. I was about 5 and I spent several days quizzing my friends in kindergarten on who they thought shot JR.
Whitney “Doody Bubble” Houston
First she looked like this:
Then she looked like this:
And then she looked like this:
And now she looks like this:
But when she’s not in red carpet mode, she looks like this. And hey, I look a hot mess too when I’m not in makeup. This is just for illustration and doesn’t really have any purpose other than that I am imagining her waving enthusiastically to an empty room. Crack is a helluva drug.
Has she had plastic surgery? Probably? Who can tell? Plastic surgery, whack crack… It’s a mystery.
Jennifer Grey
The nose job that changed the world.
Daryl Hannah
Daryl was, along with Tom Hanks, in the movie Splash, which I think was about a guy fucking a fish or something. A lot like Mannequin, only with a nasty ass fish.
She used to look like this:
Now she looks like this:
Her lips are pursed because she’s disappointed with you.
Marg Helgenberger
Everyone’s favorite ex-stripper-turned-crime-scene-analyst, Marg has changed dramatically. To wit:
You know who else has changed?
Liv Tyler, that’s who.
I probably would never have realized she had work done had I not seen the before and after. It’s subtle enough, but JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST, LAY OFF THE LIPS.
I remembered some more celebrities as well:
Liam Neeson
I’m not going to rag on the guy, though, because I’m still sad for his loss.
Oh my gosh, have you heard??
The bird is the word. Also, Teri Hatcher has had a lot of plastic surgery.
Teri Hatcher
And here’s an evolution of the many faces of Teri Hatcher, although it ends at 2005:
B…but…wait! She has proof she didn’t have any Botox!
Hey Teri? Sit the fuck down.
Heidi Fleiss
You know what she looks like? Crusty and chapped. I need Blistex or some such lip balm when I look at photos of her. I think what might have happened is the doctor injected her not with silicone but with the mound of crumbs that collected in his toaster oven.
And here’s her in Celebrity Rehab. It’s not a straight on shot, but it gives one a nice sense of the… texture of her face.
I could file my god damned nails on those lips.
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