Aw, yeah! You know what time it be. It be America’s Next Top Model time! So, grab your weaves, lip gloss, and your lycra bodysuits because it’s about to get real around this bitch.
This week’s episode started off with a little backstabbing and hating from Kayla. Apparently, Ms. Kayla thinks that Chris is just not into being the topest model of all the land and doesn’t want it as bad as the other models left in the competition. Kayla thinks that Chris is just there for face time and is “not high fashion“. Meow! Well, I guess maybe just a half assed meow. Tell us something we don’t know, Kayla. Everybody and their mama knows that’s all Chris wants. Duh.
Since we are nearing the end of the competition, we are starting to get down to the nitty gritty. Case in point? It’s go-see time! If you are not familiar with what a “go-see” is, then I really can’t fucking help you. Actually, scratch that. I can! A “go-see” consists of a model being released into the wild to “go-see” if they can get a motherfucking job. See? Pretty simple, right? Wrong. Oh so wrong. You think most of these girls would have A LOT of experience with real world type go-sees. You know what I am talking about. The kind where you spend 8 hours of your day going from Arby’s to Taco Bell applying for jobs. I know these bitches have been there before. Act like it now! Of course, they weren’t going to be released into the wild without some coaching from Tyra Banks herself. She sat the models down, used the word “I” about 747 times, made them look at their Glamour Shots, and told them who they were going to go see. She rattled off a few names and then dropped a major bomb. They were going to see a top notch fashion house. Actually, a major fashion player. Who was it? None other than Versace! Of course, like any other ANTM challenge, there would be rules. The models had to use only public transportation and must be back before the street lights came on. Okay, not that late, but 6:30 is way past my bedtime.
Chris summed it up pretty well when she found out it was go-see time. Her reaction? “We gonna have to roam deez streets.” Perfect. Why? Because that is EXACTLY what these girls did. You would have thought they were all dumb, deaf, and blind. Harsh? Yes. The truth? Absofuckinglutely. The models try to break off in pairs, but that only hinders their ability to function as an upright walking mammal. Kayla thinks they should try that “underground railroad thing”. Yes, you read that correctly. She wanted to try the underground railroad. Look, I am willing to bet that Harriet Tubman would have nothing to do with these bitches. One look at them would illicit the “bitch please” look and a hand wave. Uh, buh bye! None, I mean, none of the models could figure out the public transit systems in Milan. All of them found Versace of course. But Versace wasn’t having it. The Versace rep only wanted Ann out of all of them. He rambled off something in broken English about Chris looking like she was stuck in the 1980s and how the rest of them looked like two dollar hookers from Thailand. Okay, I made that last part up, but you get the drift. Only Chelsea was able to make it to more than one go-see. The rest of them wasted four hours searching for the underground railroad and a nuclear powered Delorean. Ann and Kayla both get disqualified because they couldn’t get their happy asses back in time before they turned in to pumpkins. Being that Chelsea was the only one to make it to more than one go-see, she got a prize. And it wasn’t no ordinary surprise either. It was a pretty awesome black jacket from Versace. Once Chris saw this, she was all kinds of butt-hurt. “This bitch got a Versace jacket!”, she sneered. Yes Chris, she did. We can’t get anything past you.
The photoshoot of the week was at a beautiful and very posh location. They must have paid off the mafia or some Italian drug lord to score this place because it was awesome. The shoot itself was located on the grounds of a sprawling mansion overlooking Lake Como. Seriously, it made me want to go to there. The creative portion of the shoot was comical as usual. The models were dressed up as statues and were ordered to pose with a male model again. Okay. What. The. Fuck? Seriously? Why does every shoot have to do with male models? And where is the naked shoot this cycle? I have yet to see a titty or two and I am starting to lose my fucking patience. As usual, I digress. Sorry. Nigel Barker is once again the photographer for the shoot. Something tells me that the word is out among the professional photographer circuit and nobody is willing to photograph these “models” anymore. Poor Nigel must be cussing his contract with ANTM at this point. As a fellow photographer, I totally feel for him. Well, until I find out how much he actually gets paid. Jane struggled big time during the shoot and started to cry real model tears. Mr. Jay (sporting a fabulous top he no doubt snatched from Forever 21) jumped in and instantly became the voice of reason for Jane. He tells her that unicorns do, in fact, exist and her tears magically disappear. True story. Ann and Kayla rock the shoot and Chris falls kind of flat. Now on to the elimination!
Tyra must be getting bored at this point of the season because she changed up the game at panel. Instead of bringing in someone that had been lurking throughout the episode to be a guest judge, she brought in some random dude named Kyle Hagler. Apparently, Kyle is some top dog at IMG and makes the dreams of wannabe models into reality. Me thinks Mr. Hagler is there to prop Tyra’s big girl panties up. She needs validation that at least one of the remaining models is capable of being a high fashion one and done. Jane cries again during panel trying to show that she does have a human personality. The panel consoles her, pats her head, and ushers her back to fall in line with the others. But alas, we know someone has to go home, right? The top photo of the week goes to Kayla for the second week in a row. I think it was pretty well deserved. The bottom two this week? That went to Jane and Chris. Who would be safe? Of course, Jane would be. The crying helped her squeak by another week. Tyra informs Chris that she is just not high fashion-y enough for ANTM and she should start taking acting classes asap, because that’s exactly what CW needs for their 2011 fall line up. The Chris “that bitch gotta Versace jacket” Show. I can’t wait!
We are nearing the end of this cycle, folks. With only a few more episodes left, what do you think? Should Jane be the one packing her bags instead of Chris? Is Kayla going to win this thing? Does Ann still have a fighting chance? What say you people??