You see those cocky little smiles on both of their faces? Yeah, it pisses me off too. Why? Simple. For weeks now, my television and internets have been hijacked by nothing but lame ass news reports about these two. Apparently, there is some sort of wedding going on. I guess it’s some sort of big deal when some random people over across the pond get engaged. The news is so exciting, Elton John can’t even keep his manties on straight. The wild speculation about locations, dresses, and elegant ice sculptures have hit critical mass. I can’t escape it. Hell, I can’t even watch the evening news without catching a nightly segment on Kate Middleton and Prince William. How am I supposed to find out who got stabbed and murdered in my town? How will I know who robbed McDonalds at knifepoint? How will I know the outcome of the gang fight that started at Chuck E. Cheese’s last night? Seriously, people! I need to know this stuff.
Anyway, with all this royal wedding stuff flying around me at high speed, my brain started to do that thinking thing again. As a card carrying member of the Y Chromosome Society, I have absolutely ZERO interest in this grand wedding event. My brain does not have any room for anything that has to do with hand me down engagement rings, floral arrangements, and/or any music that happens to be played by a harpist. No, I reserve my brain space for more important things. What things? Completely random shit! In fact, I have devised a simple list of at least five things that are more important to me than anything that has to do with the royalest of royal weddings. So sit down, grab a beer, and zone the fuck out. I am about to help you get rid of this royalwedding-itis once and for all.
5. Hamburger Helper
Yes. You are seeing exactly what I am seeing. Wonderful, glorious, and economical to boot, Hamburger Helper can and will save your life. See? You are already starting to forget about that Kate whateverthefuckhernameis.
4. The Dyson Fan
It’s a fan….WITHOUT BLADES! Seriously. It has to be some sort of black magic. Maybe Dyson actually found tiny unicorns to install as motors? That could be the only explanation. Either that or witchery. Pure, awesome witchery.
3. Potatoes
Yay! You make me want to count to potato! Okay. Yes. I have problems. But seriously, I love potatoes WAY more than Prince William. Sorry. It’s just a scientific fact. And we all know you can’t argue with science.
2. White Man Dancing
Oh, my. Just look how happy they are. Without a care in the world, they allow themselves to not only be viewed dancing publicly, but they also allow and want to be photographed! Perfect. Just perfect. Take notes Prince William. This is how your whitey relatives will dance at your reception. Just because you are a prince and shit, doesn’t mean Uncle Earl won’t get shitfaced on Glenlivet, try to fondle a waitress, and then hang out with his wang out while literally bustin’ a move to some Young M.C. Prepare yourself now, William.
1. Lionel Ritchie
Just look at that stone cold pimp. I mean, come on. Do I even have to say anything? The man is all kinds of easy like Sunday morning. Respect, folks. Or “Hello”, if you prefer.
Now don’t you feel so much better? I totally made you forget all about that thing we were talking about earlier. Wait. What the fuck were we talking about? Fuck it. Nevermind.
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