Welcome back to the Biggest Loser ranch for makeover week, y’all. Last week we said goodbye to Jessica (Who? How quickly we forget.) It’s week 10, which means there have been a lot of weeks of this show, with only a few left to go. And this week there’s a heavy-duty partnership with Ford, breast cancer awareness and the Warriors in Pink program. I’m going to try to do some highlights this week because there are turkeys to cook and short attention spans in general, so let’s give it the old Biggest Loser try.
- “I’m a be HAWT, Brendan says. Oh please.
- Ken Paves greets the ladies for what will turn out to be the fastest makeover segment in the world, because Lord knows you can’t race through that weigh-in later. **Rolls eyes back in my head like the Exorcist child.**
- “Are you ready to get foxy or what? Are you ready to rock that runway?” Ken says, and I marvel at a less-than-sixty-something man saying “foxy.” FOXY LADEH!
- Patrick has never been to a place like this back home. He’s psyched. Ken makes Lisa take the first cut of her own hair. I would let Ken Paves do whatever he wanted to do with my hair. He seems like a competent dude.
- People magazine is there for a post-makeover photoshoot. People magazine lady says robotically that People supports the losers’ total body transformation. Their readers can relate to them and be empowered.
- I miss the people from Season Nine. A lot.
- Lisa looks great. She says it almost doesn’t seem fair that she gets to do this, which makes no sense to me. I wish I liked Lisa.
- Ada looks awesome. I’m so glad. Ada wins at life.
- Hallelujah, the men all shaved, including Frado and Patrick, and that is great. Except now Frado looks a lot like Jon Cryer’s uncle, if he had one and it was Frado.
- Where was Tim Gunn? WHERE?
The Fashion Show:
- After the quickest makeovers in the West, we’re back out on the runway for this Ford blahblahblah fashion show.
- In keeping with the pink theme, Ali Sweeney is wearing a heinous pink sequined top. I don’t know how many Christmas tree ornaments had to die to make this actually sort of ill-fitting garment, but I can hear the screams. Why oh why doesn’t a stylist make Ali over?
- Shanna is back with her super annoying voice that makes me feel guilty, because I am psyched for her that she has survived breast cancer and managed to keep losing weight in the process — not an easy task.
- Shanna would like to tell other cancer patients that there is life after cancer and they can be healthy. Word.
- The Warriors in Pink clothing line is not attractive, Ali Sweeney. It’s just not.
- Ali introduces Ken Paves — THE MASTERMIND BEHIND THEIR TRANSFORMATIONS — and Bob and Jillian who will be in the audience. Bob and Jill say they’re proud. Makeover week is Bob’s very favorite.
- Elizabeth feels gorgeous. And fabulous. I don’t care for her getup. Bob talks about her self-confidence, blahblahblah.
- Elizabeth’s mother is there to see her daughter with her “new body, new mind and new future.” She makes me cry a little.
- Lisa walks the runway. Bob “whoos” at her which I think is exciting. Backstage she clings to her children and sobs terrifyingly. She makes me cry. Her sister is sobbing too. They are all MAKING ME CRY DAMMIT THIS IS NOT OKAY.
- Lisa’s son is off-the-charts adorable. Her daughter Nikki says The Biggest Loser gives her hope that her mother isn’t going to die. “Thank you for saving my mom’s life,” she says, and I am snort-crying. SCREW YOU BIGGEST LOSER.
- Then, oh good! Back to the people I don’t like — the men! Maybe I’ll stop crying now.
- Fat chance. This sob train has left the station.
- Patrick is nervous and excited. He also has a PeeWee Herman flip in his hair. Bob loves the shit out of Patrick.
- Patrick’s family is here. I expect to see them moving in slow motion, having seen them do so in so many montages, but they are at normal person speed. Patrick is sobbing. His wife Bradley is psyched. His child says “I love you to the moon and back” and obviously The Biggest Loser would like me to sob like a fool all the way through this dreadful two-hour ordeal.
- Words cannot express how thankful Bradley is to The Biggest Loser. “THERE IS NO GIFT MORE PRECIOUS THAN THE LIFE OF MY HUSBAND,” I hear from where I have stuffed my face in a wine glass that is catching my tears.
Break to collect myself. Good God. This is brutal. I need an inhaler.
- Now Mark is more than the funny fat guy, he says. And he’s been working his ass off, for sure, hauling giant tires and ropes around and whatnot.
- Mark is the new Michael, from last season, which indicates to me that he is going to win. Mark is attired like a Backstreet Boy.
- Backstage, Mark’s cousin Merav screams her face off and I am crying again. His mother is speaking Yiddish, I think? I have no idea. I am crying too hard to think straight or identify languages.
- Mark’s brother is clearly jealous of his Backstreet Boys attire.
- The family stuff is really getting to me. Merav wasn’t going to let Mark cross that finish line to be healthy without her. She’s thankful to The Biggest Loser. Merav is badass. I kind of want Merav to be my cousin.
- Okay, Boston Brendan. He’s giddy, pre-runway. He either wants to get out there and trip or he doesn’t, I can’t tell because he mumbled it. I can’t imagine that he is using “trip” in the slang sense of the word, but maybe.
- For the love of God, yes, Brendan is wearing a rosary on purpose. Shenanigans. Backstreet Boys. Rosaries. It’s ’90s makeover night!
- Brendan’s mom is backstage. OMG she loves the outfit and does not do what my mom would do and say “Nice rosary.” She is so happy, she can’t believe the smile on his face. Brendan’s mom seems kind of sweet, I concede.
- Now, on to ADA! If Ada’s family doesn’t show up I am flying to California to kick some asses.
- Ada is on the runway wearing a Justin Timberlake leopard pimp hat and I don’t like it or understand this sartorial trainwreck at all, but still say “GO ADA, wear whatever the hell you want.”
- Of course Ada’s jerk family doesn’t show up. But her friend is there who seems very sweet and excited for her and that is great. “You can fit into boots, huh?” she says and Ada’s all “YEAH! I bought my first pair!” And any woman who has more than toothpick-sized calves knows that this is a big deal. Huge. Go Ada!
- Frado is last. He looks totally different. It’s a bit surreal. Except now he looks like Danny Zukko’s paunchy uncle, not Jon Cryer’s . He’s a transformer!
- Backstage Frado’s family is making me cry. I swore I would not cry at Frado’s family. Fail. His children fall into his arms and sob. His wife looks freaked out that her Frado-husband has been replaced by Jon Cryer and Danny Zukko. Whatever, can’t totally hate if the kids are happy. Their dad will be healthier and that’s a good thing.
- Frado’s wife looks like Toni Collette’s, Goodfellas style.
- Frado says that this is about everyone out there who watches and is inspired by it. Without hope what is there? For once I can agree with him.
- The Losers walk the runway again, with their people in the audience, this time in formal wear. Lisa’s son is a doll on earth, so cute, and Mark’s mom is jumping up and down with joy. Frado throws his top hat at his wife.
- This show is making me like these people. Except Elizabeth.
- Brendan is wearing a pink cumberbund and bowtie. He says it feels like it’s his senior prom all over again, BECAUSE IT IS.
- Bob leaps to his feet for Ada, as is only right. Growing up no one ever told her they were proud of her, she interviews. She was insecure, never wanted attention, and tonight was the complete opposite.
Okay, whew, that’s over. I hope the crying is too. What can I say? Even though this weight loss may occur through brutal and unrealistic means, it’s still kind of cool to see even tools feel better about themselves after they weighed 400 pounds at one point. I’m not that hardcore.
Unnecessarily Complicated Challenge:
- Steps, lots of ‘em. They have to climb them 20 times to get to 100 points — five points a trip or one point to take the train.
- The winner? Wins a car! A nice new Ford Edge.
- I predict that Elizabeth will be the only one on the fail train.
- Ali likens the climbing of the hill to fighting breast cancer. She needs to get a clue and so does whoever is writing these words for her. You know what I think is like having cancer? HAVING CANCER.
- Brendan, Ada and Patrick pull ahead almost immediately, as Ali launches into her horrifying challenge narration.
- Elizabeth should just get on the damn train right now.
- “Who’s gonna walk away with a brand new 2011 Ford Edge?” Not me!
- Elizabeth takes the train. Yes! I win! I win…nothing! But still. I win.
- Ada is climbing like a goatherd or a sherpa or another person who spends a lot of time hiking in mountains. I swear Ada could freaking climb the Alps right now without stopping for days.
- Brendan whines about hurting. And yes, stairs are hard. It’s a rather miserable enterprise, and these people have been doing it for over an hour.
- It’s kind of frustrating for Patrick that Ada’s going up and down so easily, hauling ass. Oh well, Patrick. Girls can win too.
- Lisa says Ada could break a leg, cut off a foot and still beat everyone in this race. She’s the Terminatah.
- Then! OMG! Ada is lost! She is lost on the stairs! The film crew can’t find her! Whose eyes are on Ada? Did Brendan eat her?
- AMG! The suspense. I actually have anxiety over lost Ada on the stairs. Can someone stage an intervention? This show is killing me and screwing with my head and manipulating my emotions.
- Mystery solved! Ada and then Brendan are kicking it at the top of the stairs. They are going to wait and let Patrick go first and make sure he wins this car.
- Frado believes in karma and good things happening to good people and seriously I am liking people I don’t like at all. I am so confused.
- Then Elizabeth comes down and, sensing that attention is directed to someone other than her, whines and buzzkills Patrick winning the car because SHE did not finish the stairs and the challenge for herself, although how this is much different from any other time I’m not sure. Self-centeredness will get you my pretty.
Back at the Ranch and a Commercial Break:
- Brendan goes into Ada’s room to mack on her newly hot self. I see you over there, Boston Brendan. Ada talks about her family and how it’s okay they didn’t come to the fashion show because she’s still dealing with them not sending her a video so it’s all good.
- If anything happened after that I forget. I think I blacked out, because…
- Bob, Jill and Ali are telling me about breast self exams. Somehow my purchase of Warriors in Pink wear is related to me fighting breast cancer. The confluence of TBL, Trainer Bob, breast self exams and Ford automobiles is a lot to take in. That said, touch yourself, ladies! Get tested. Be safe and healthy and wear whatever the hell color you want in the meantime.
- Random commercial commentary: Best Buy has found the one retail person in the world who claims to love working Black Friday. They should clone this person in a lab to work in all of their stores or they should make her the CEO, because this blue-shirted lady who loves to work retail on the worst possible day to work retail out of 365 can help them to rule the world.
Last Chance Workout:
- Bob and Jillian come in for the usual deconstruction of the challenge.
- Elizabeth steals all of the communal joy of Patrick’s automotive victory by whining her face off about not finishing for the first time.
- I wish Donald Trump could show up and fire her.
- Bob enables Elizabeth’s whining and wastes more oxygen motivationally speaking to her while the rest of them stare at her blankly. I think if Jillian could drop Elizabeth off by some train tracks somewhere she’d be satisfied.
- In the gym, they go at it again. They know this is a big week. No one looks happy, per the usual last chance workout misery decree.
- Jillian leans over Frado and says “I’m gonna sink my teeth into you and shake you around like a shark with a seal,” in a very upsetting and bizarre tone of voice I’ve never heard. I think I had nightmares about it. It was not good.
- Ada is working like a lunatic. Ada is unstoppable.
- Bob gets in Brendan’s face, with more creepy call-and-response: “Who’s the baddest ass in this house?” “Brendan.” “Who’s gonna be the biggest loser?” “Brendan.”
- I really hope not.
- Brendan interviews more about his strategerizing and decidering. He’s playing chess to set Mark up. Snore.
- Bob sets Elizabeth up to complete the challenge from last night on the stair stepper. He wants everyone to cry for Elizabeth’s paltry challenge while other people are logrolling and lifting seven tons of metal. WTF Bob? So lame. Elizabeth can climb steps? Cool. I can’t believe these people haven’t struck back against the need to gather round the elliptical to watch this woman congratulate herself.
- Patrick babbles.
- Lisa is jumping. Seeing her kids was enough to tide her over to finish. She is climbing a ladder with Bob yelling at her. She does not want to go home.
Exercise Break With Jillian:
- Jillian wants me to take a walk after Thanksgiving dinner instead of sitting on my lazy ass watching football. Hopefully my Burn the Tofurkey two-hour yoga class will be enough for her, jeez. She also wishes me a happy Thanksgiving. Thanks, man.
- I waited this week. What?
- Meanwhile Bob is on the Twitter yelling about how come we can’t have a sugar-free Thanksgiving? Because sometimes you have to live a little, Bob.
- Pre-weigh-in, the bromance that’s been blessedly downplayed this episode is back in action, as Brendan, Patrick and Frado huddle and congratulate themselves for being awesome some more.
- Brendan is in an unbelievable position, he interviews afterwards. Everyone likes him! He is super cool! He is going to screw over the people who like him the most, last!
- Patrick chortles that they couldn’t have drawn this up any better! They got rid of all of the threats and now they are the threats!
- Oh, Patrick. Get in your Ford Edge and drive away.
- If it’s the last night all three of us are together, Shady Brendan says, it’s been real.
- Oh good, I dislike them all again. Natural order has been restored.
- Proven TBL research outcome: weigh-ins go better with wine.
- Patrick rocks the scale with a 10-pounder, going from 301-291. He’s genuinely moved. He’s now officially way smaller than he was when he met Bradley.
- He’s getting back to his stud muffin days. He’s gonna guarandamntee he’s gonna get there. He had better not leave Bradley beacuse I’ll find him and kick his stud muffin ass. Write that down.
- Next, oh look, we’re going to weigh Elizabeth’s uncontrollable narcissism and general bummer of a personality. But first we’re going to go to a break and she’s crying already. GIVE ME A BREAK TODAY. Please send her home. I know this won’t happen and the bromance boys will keep her til the 13th hour so they can win, GAH.
- Elizabeth loses five pounds. The pre-break crying was an editing ruse. She’s down from 201 to 196. Sshe knew she woke up feeling skinny today.
- Brendan is nervous. He just wants to make it though this week. He needs to have lost more than nine pounds. The hell? Still that much? He loses seven pounds, going from 272-265. He feels really good with a seven. After college he blew up and gave up. Now he feels so blessed to have been picked for this show, that people believed in him.
- Ada loses five pounds, going from 190– 185. She’s happy with that.
- Mark is nervous too, pointlessly so, as he loses 10 pounds and goes out of the 300s, landing at 299. He feels good in Patrick’s hundred-pound club, he says, as Patrick looks dumbfoundedly at him because he doesn’t understand men who aren’t Frado or Brendan.
- Lisa reads a note from her daughter that says she doesn’t want Lisa to die on her when she’s 16. Lisa’s daughter has death issues.
- Lisa stays the same, at 228. This does not bode well for her, and she is shocked.
- Frado goes from 267 to 263, losing four pounds and landing below the yellow line with Lisa.
- Frado and Lisa beg to be kept there. Frado says there’ll be no hard feelings.
- Brendan says he’ll keep Frado but he doesn’t know what the other people will do.
- Elizabeth votes for lisa. she needs to repay the loyalty to Frado, although clearly she has forgotten that Lisa cooked for her ass and motivated her during team week. Jerk.
- Elizabeth remaining in this competition is pitiful.
- Mark is sick and likes the challenge of Frado’s competition, and votes for Lisa. I hope when Brendan votes all of these idiots off they’re happy.
- That’s all she wrote for Lisa.
- Lisa is back in Oklahoma, about to see her family and cry her face off. Her makeup will be goine in minutes from tears.
- Sherry her stepmother is “estatic.” She is also going to cry from joy. Apparently you have to be a big crier to live in Norman.
- Blythe from Mustang, Oklahoma says Lisa’s an inspiration to every woman in Oklahoma.
- I am trying really hard not to break into song and failing. Where is my surry? With the fringe on top?
- Nikki, Lisa’s daughter, will not let her go back. It was a nighatmre then. She likes it this way better.
- Lisa’s a player in her kids’ lives now. She’s out there biking and walking and they are active like crazy.
- She’s working with Blythe — who she met at the original Oklahoma contest — on her nutrition and her exercise. She didn’t learn all of this stuff just for herself. She wants to be able to change someones life.
- Lisa has lost 89 pounds. If she can do it you can do it.
Alrighty then! Down to six. I’m pulling for an Ada win and beyond that? Don’t care, except to say that if Elizabeth is still there in the final four, shenanigans, yet again. See you next week.TOP POSTS