Last week on The Biggest Loser, Adam got hosed. Apparently the Black Team has been sitting at the elimination table for seven days, because Ali’s still holding them hostage.
“We’re halfway through season ten,” Ali smarms, (is that all?) “and things are about to get real. Now it’s an all out war.”
Oh crap. The Marines. The real, live Marines are in the GD house. There are shocked and awed glances all around. Why hello, hottie Sgt. Gonzalez and Corona of the USMC. Step right up.
Frado (naturally) was a Marine reservist. He says he feels like come on in, brother, I’m here. (Thank you for your service, Frado. No fooling. Now be cool.)
Ali tells them that this week they’ll live like Marines at Camp Freaking Pendleton. She looks super smug about this.
Hottie Gonzalez says Marines are the best because they train the hardest. You think Bob and Jillian are tough, you ain’t seen nothing.
Does everyone wanna do this?
From the looks on their faces, absolutely not, but too bad. A bunch of yelling ensues. There are helmets and large tank-like or Marine bus-like/Jeep-like vehicles. This is deep, brah.
Patrick whinges that he’s feeling a little intimidated. Have I mentioned how badly Patrick gets on my nerves? That when he asks if he can handle boot camp at 340 pounds that I meanly think he can’t while he’s whining and hanging all over Frado maybe?
Next thing you know it’s morning at Camp Pendleton. The Biggest Loser is displaying the time of day all military-style at the bottom of my screen, and I am laughing inappropriately — at them, not at military time. It’s 07:00 hours and these combat instructors are getting the contestants off the truck. There are several of these CIs and I cannot keep their names straight but suffice it to say that they are all somewhere on the hottie barometer and they all like to yell. I think there are two named Wyatt and Earp but that is quite possibly my own hearing deficit.
Sgt. Giaretta says that what the Marines and The Biggest Loser definitely have in common is hard work. These contestants are training to save their own lives. It’s a combat zone.
What’s that I hear? It’s the ghost of my grandfather the very proud Marine pounding around up there at the very thought of being compared to Brendan or Elizabeth. Frado and Ada he would own, I’m thinking, maybe Aaron and Jesse. But the rest of them, nope.
Everyone puts on camo and boots, and there is a montage of reminiscing about military memories, that oddly involves none of the women, hello? Frado was a reservist and was in the Gulf War. Aaron says he always wanted to follow in his brother’s footsteps — this is a dream come true. Mark says just to get a small piece of the Marine lifestyle is amazing because he needs it.
Then oh hi, big helicopters show up — two CH46s. Anyone know what those are? NO SIR. Jess and Lisa aren’t down with the helicopter. Lisa and Jess wouold not do well in war. Or on an airplane. Or maybe walking. Ada looks psyched. I can see her being a combat junkie when this is all over. Brendan is purely excited. This is like Vietnam, except it’s TOTALLY NOT, Brendan. I understand this is cool and all, but it’s occurring to me that these people think they are Marines.
The copters (see? I can do this too.) land at a place that my screen tells me is LZ2, which is code for “place where Ali Sweeney wears the stupidest pigtails of all time. Her dad was stationed here, she says. All I can say is those had better be his dog tags because if they’re fake I’ll be annoyed.
The contestants face their first challenge, which is walking up a big hill to their “barracks” and there is yelling. Anna can’t breathe. She is whining. Shocking! Brendan is a Marine Corps expert all of a sudden. They stress teamwork, If you don’t have it, you die. I am about to expire myself from the earnestness of it all.
This thing is officially called a “Mission Hike to Barracks” according to my screen. Jesse said he wouldn’t have been able to do anything with the marines two months ago. Anna wheezes and the drill sergeant gets in her face: “GOD CAN’T HELP YOU NOW,” he yells. Invigorating, yes? “You can do anything you freaking put your heart to. DO NOT QUIT DON’T GIVE UP!”
I really need to work out with this man, I think, irrationally.
Elizabeth the shady says at the end of the hike that it was a collaborative effort, that they started as a team and ended as a team, which will be totally true until the next time she sells someone out. Anna guesses she needed the Marines today because they pushed her to do things they never would have done on their own.
The crew is introduced to their barracks, which are very barracksy, what with the bunk beds and general austerity and oh no, thank you. No thank you at all. They are to treat them as they would your own home. Aaron can’t believe he’s here. I can’t believe he is either, frankly. In the morning, they file out for whatever hell they are to go through on this day, and dudes are handing out RIFLES. Yes. The Marines are handing The Biggest Loser contestants rifles.
Rifles? I think that calls for an egregious, shirtless photo of Trainer Bob, don’t you?
Sure.
Patrick says, uh, “Wha, are we under attack?”
Um, can they not be loaded, NBC? These people should not have guns. Frado should especially not have a gun.
The guns are curiously never mentioned again, but it is stressed that it is very exceedingly early and these losers are up at the crack of dawn to eat and work out. Lisa hates Marine time. Jesse anticipates a grueling workout today. He decides he needs the calories. FORESHADOWING FOR EVERYONE!
They get 30 seconds in the bathroom. They have a time limit for everything, Boston Brendan burbles. It’s showing him discipline. Anna doesn’t want to know what’s going to happen if she doesn’t obey. I’m not so down with Anna’s conclusions generally but on this one I have to agree.
They’re back from a commercial and it’s an obstacle course from hell with Drill Sgt. Bell (hey, see what I did there?) who has served four tours in Iraq and is therefore rather badass I’d say. These jokers have to carry a ten-pound bag of crap that they can redistribute along the way. The winners will get phone calls home. Anna needs to quit crying. Now. Lisa wants to talk to her kids.
Every guy on the Black Team takes some weight from the girls, so they have 40 pounds, every girl has 20. The Blue Team chooses to have each person carry his or her own weight. The course looks dreadful. There is mud and crawling. You’re only as strong as your weakest link, a combat instructor says, so in that case the Black Team is only as strong as Anna and Elizabeth and should hang it up right now.
They have to push a tank. Hottie Velazquez is yelling “INCREDIBLE HULK RAWRRRRRRRRR.” I need Velazquez, dude. I mean, I really really do. “WHO WANTS TO CALL HOME?”
The Blue Team is rocking and rolling. The next leg is a casualty collection point, where they charmingly have to carry a stretcher with a “wounded” Marine.
NEVER QUIT LET’S GO.
Then uh-oh. Elizabeth has an episode and goes down. Her eyes roll back in her head. WTF? Seriously. Why is this woman on this show? . Brendan cries. He has seen her do this once before, at the Boston challenge. Boston Brendan is going to have serious PTSD from watching this woman have these problems.
Elizabeth gets back up and says she wants to finish, but the Blue Team has long since won the challenge and run into the ocean screaming and clapping and hugging their combat instructors. it’s like they’re real Marines!
Lisa sobs on the phone with her son. “Hi, Dad,” little London says to Aaron. It’s a very touching scene and then…it’s over. They are suddenly back in the gym with Trainer Bob and Jillian. Lo and behold, Brendan has shaved his head. He looks like a heavier Dr. Evil or Phil Collins’s big brother. I think Bob might be a little jealous of their love for the Marines. He calls Mark a Marine and Mark snarks back that he’s not but it was a privilege to train with them.
Jillian goes all USMC-crazy on their asses in the last chance workout. “You’re gonna pray for your CI when I’m done with you,” she says, climbing on Patrick’s back and having him haul her around. Patrick says the Marines are no match for her. Bald Boston Brendan says he’d almost rather walk with a real bull on his back than her screamin’ in his damn ear.
Are you sure, Brendan? Okay.
Bob further emasculates himself in my eyes by shilling Fiber One. “It’s fiberlicious,” Lisa says, and why yes it is, Bob agrees. There are 14 whole grams of fiber up in this piece. For these contestants to start their morning off with a breakfast of Fiber One, well, it’s gonna be a great choice.
I don’t know, Bob. Put me out on the boot camp trail after a bowl of Fiber One and uh, I’m just saying.
Finally, we are in the weigh-in room. Ali gets intel from the CIs. Hottie Sgt. Gray says the contestants did great. Sgt. Harris is kinda choked up. He wants to thank them for showing them what they’re made of. It’s changed him. Ali tells them that they are all true American heroes and they march out. Jesse says he’s close to all the CIs.
And now, the weigh-in, which they blessedly race through because it’s Election Night, America! An hour for this show is plenty — can every Tuesday be Election Night?
Long story short — the weigh-in is terrible almost across the board, and is the most excruciating ten minutes of Ali Sweeney-fied television this season, maybe ever, and that’s saying a lot.
Mark loses seven pounds, going from 336-329. It’s gotta be the Fiber One, dude. Jessica goes from 244 pounds to 240, and Lisa loses two, going from 244 — 242. Bob looks pained.
Ali ramps up her annoyingness. “Bob, I can see you’re surprised.” Bob expects way more out of all these contestants. He’s all for learning experiences (LIKE THE DUMB FAKE BOOT CAMP, SAY IT BOB, SAY IT!!!!) but he’s also all about weight loss. Lisa says the high sodium food hinders weight loss. Apparently Jesse pounded down a bunch of it because he goes from 296 to 297, gaining a pound. He’s at a loss. He doesn’t ahve anything for angry Ali. He feels like every eye in the hangar is burning into him.
Anna says it’s looking good for the Black Team, which means it will go poorly. Aaron kicks ass, losing 14 pounds and going from398 — 384. Blue Team’s loss overall is 1.71 percent, or 26 pounds.
The Black Team needs to have lost more than 28 pounds, and they are whizzing through this now. Ada pulls her usual solid number, losing seven and going from 221-204. Patrick loses seven too, going from 337 to 330. goes from 302–298, losing four. Anna loses two, going from 283 — 281. Ali smarms at Jillian that she doesn’t seem surprised, and Jillian whinges on about body shock and exercise and bad food at the barracks and basically says the challenge sucked for them in terms of weight loss.
Elizabeth gains a pound, going from 213 — 214. She doesn’t know what happened because she worked, blahblahblah. Then there is the Frado episode. This is the first time he’s gotten on the scale and he’s terrified. He predicts a possible weight gain and Ali Sweeney engages in the most awkward, aggro conversation ever in the history of this show or any other televised program.
“WHO PREDICTS A PLUS ON THE SCALE FRADO?”
FRADO, ALI!
And…commercial. Frado starts at294, and after the commercial his four-pound weight gain is revealed.
The Marines aren’t about weight loss it’s about building character, Jillian says, in her “I want to rip your face off Ali Sweeney” tone. And then let’s just take it to the vote because I’d rather watch election returns than these people drivel on. The Black Team gathers in the elimination room, I predict, to vote for Anna.
Patrick’s voting for Anna with a total lie that she can continue her weight loss at home. Two people were struggling during the challenge, Ada says that Elizabeth’s determination inspired her and she votes for Anna too. I almost hope that Elizabeth gets to vote for Ada sometime soon but then I take that back because it could totally happen. Anna votes for Elizabeth because Elizabeth sucks. Evil Elizabeth narrows her eyes at Anna. Brendan doesn’t have anything to say, he says, ironically. He has no reason in hell but he’s voting for Anna.
Anna cries, of course. It’s better for her to get off this team, I say to her through my television although her crying annoys me. This team sucks. Anyway, she’s most proud of all the hard work she did to get back on the ranch. Next time you see her, America, she’s gonna win the at home $100,000 prize.
Back at home, her son interviews that he is happy for her. Now she prepares food at home, she says, and ta-da! JENNIE O TURKEY PLACEMENT! Anna is wearing an exercise armband of some sort. She’s incorporating exercise into her job. She gets all of her co-workers to do the stairs every day. She’s inspired her whole office. Since leaving The Biggest Loser campus, she’s lost 80 pounds, and she wants to be 250 by the finale.
See you next week, when we’re back for more, this time Marine-less, tomfoolery. Sgt. Velazquez? Call me.
About Laurie White
