Ah, week nine. Let’s see. We kick off with more montages and seeing the same footage of all of these people and their families makes me want to punch myself in the face. Who’s left?
Jessica. Frado. Ada. Elizabeth. Patrick. Mark. Lisa. Brendan.
Or as I’ve come to know them, Whiney, Shouty, Smarty, Shady, Dopey, Dramatic-y, Wanna-go-homey and Obnoxiousy. It’s the Biggest Loser seven dwarfs!
Sure, I’m still bitter about Jesse and Aaron leaving. And honestly? I want to give this gig to Ada and be done with it, but no. NO! We must soldier on.
This week, Ali says ominously, all teams and pairs are gone so all of these people are on their own with weight loss and workouts. Bob gets pissed off right away that Aaron and Jesse were eliminated. Patrick indicates that he is broke as well as fat, so he needs to win. Bob yells at Brendan and Patrick and makes them hurl huge, heavy ropes around, directing his rage at them because they knew Aaron and Jesse needed to be here. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “needs to be here” or “target on my back” or “I don’t want to go home” I’d be able to make a very hefty student loan payment and Sallie Mae would LEAVE ME ALONE. Okay, Bob?
Oh hey! I digressed. Anyway, Bob knows that none of these jokers have the same kind of gumption as the previous winners so it’s pretty much blahblahblah pointless. He tells Patrick that the previous winners had focus and will, and by that he doesn’t mean focus on other dudes who will sell him out in a heartbeat when his shrinking ass is finally on the line. Gotta admire Trainer Bob’s persistence. He’ll rep the “no game play” myth until he passes out from despair.
As prizes for being completely useless, the contestants will all receive videos from home! Lisa and Elizabeth cry at each other over their videos. Then, trauma is afoot. Bob pulls Ada aside. There is no video for her. No wonder — remember how her father pretty much blamed her for everything bad that ever happened ever? Bob doesn’t get how someone’s family can suck so hard. He says things like “It is what it is” and “This too shall pass” while Ada tries to make Bob feel better about how she doesn’t have a video. I pay half-hearted attention to the videos from home in which significant others have lost weight. Snore. Yawn.
The contestants all make Ada a video to try to make up for the fact that her family has no interest in supporting her. They say mostly nice, refreshingly non-narcissistic things for this group. Patrick calls her Ada Ada Sweet Potata. Elizabeth calls her Ada Ada Dominata and says other loathsome things. I spontaneously make up other “Ada Ada” rhymes. Ada Ada Elliptical-hata. Ada Ada low carb-onata. Ada Ada Ahnold-Schwartzeneggeh.
Then I move on from that. Can you tell how bored I am? This show is like watching primer dry. NOT EVEN PAINT. Yeah, I said it. Brendan Brendans. Lisa Lisas and Cult Jams. She cries and says she’s never been in a more supportive environment and this makes me beyond sad for her. I fear that all of this blathering means Ada is going home.
Trainer Tip! Bob and Jill tell me to walk to the grocery store and bring a reusable bag when I do this. Do you k now where I live, Bob and Jillian? Most of my grocery store trips are in the dark of night on my way home from work. I don’t think you understand meeeeeee. Also I have approximately 237 reusable bags that I have every intention of using and then forget every time because I am flaky like that. I wish you wouldn’t make me feel quite so much like a failure.
After this helpful tip, we’re in the gym. There is whining. There is to be no more game playing, it’s do or die, Bob says. Jess is mentally exhausted. Jill will kill Elizabeth if she continues to row weakly like that. She makes her do the 500 steps that sent her to the hospital in Boston while the other contestants stand around and watch. Elizabeth finishes them and this is somehow supposed to indicate her renewed commitment to being there.
Dudes. This game is almost over and carries a reward of $250,000 cash money. If you’re not committed to being there at this point? You have a problem.
Frado says The Biggest Loser is mental, physical and emotional, like life. The Biggest Loser is life, he concludes, which would be true I guess if everyone’s life came with irritating commentary, punishing daily hours-long workouts, a monster scale and ill-fitting workout clothing
Next up, there’s a challenge and there’s a pool. Lisa likes swimming. Great. Can swimming take Lisa to the greatest home that has ever been home? Ada reminisces about her brother’s drowning death. Can someone give Ada a break? Can they let her not be sad and depressed for a minute? Why does Elizabeth the shady get all of the inspirational opportunities? I call shenanigans on this big time.
Ali is wearing a super stupid hat that is supposed to be jaunty but it has ribbon and growing things on it. She also carries an unnecessary bullhorn.
Ali cliches about standing on one’s own two feet, as the players will need to balance on one foot over water for increasingly long periods of time. Wha? I need to see this one. Frado gets to pick who goes first because he’s lost the highest percentage of weight so far. He reminds us again that he’s special because we forgot since the last time he said it. Ugh. The winner will get a one-pound advantage in the weigh-in. Frado picks Jess to go first. She makes it and picks Brendan, who immediately falls down goes boom in the water.
Jessica picks Frado. He’s out too. Awesome. Patrick babbles about how the boys are failing. He doesn’t. He chooses Elizabeth. She immediately falls, of course. She claims she has great balance which she doesn’t exhibit at all. Patrick goes for Ada. Ada’s good. She stays solid. Ada goes back at Patrick. Awesome! She’s learning. He’s concerned, which was wise because in seconds he’s in the water and out. He mentions Brendan and Frado because he can’t not mention them. Ada picks Jessica. Whoa, Mark and Lisa are super safe. What’s up with that? I think Lisa must cook Bob food for all of these people. Mark picks Lisa. Lisa thanks God who has nothing better to do than keep her in a Biggest Loser challenge. Ada’s having a tea party, Mark says, which is an odd way to describe standing on a board over a swimming pool. Mark balances anyway. Ali calls it High Noon, which is totally wrong. Mark is an Ada hater too. Ada’s afraid she might get rusty at balancing. Note to Ada: balancing is not like algebra.
Lisa goes in the water. She tried so hard. Ada goes in the water. Mark doesn’t want to gloat but he pounds his chest and somersaults into the pool, which totally looks like gloating to me. This will fuel his drive for the rest of the time he’s here, he says.
Jill shills Brita water and Nalgene bottles and CostCo (whew! All at once!) at the break while she claims to care about me lunging and using free weights. After the commercial, she drags the contestants to Subway for an awkward sandwich battle. They all have to make their own sandwiches and judge each other. There is a free-for-all of onion sauce, fat-free honey mustard, turkey, eggs, veggies, roasted chicken, you name it. Frado picks Jessica’s who likes Patrick’s egg white and ham and so does Lisa. Lisa wins the best turkey sub award, and a $500 Subway gift card. That’s a lot of five-dollar footlongs, she giggle.
Last chance workout! Bob targets Elizabeth. They rehash the challenge. Brendan feels like he’s doing great in the gym. Bob is Elizabeth’s shadow. Frado says it’s all about him now, but when was it not? Elizabeth wants to be below 200. Bob putting all of his energy behind Elizabeth the shady and not Ada who didn’t even get a home video is pissing me off. Jillian wants sparks out of the treadmill from Ada. Ada Ada treadmill-dominatah runs a nine-minute mile! Patrick cheerleads her, which, okay, that’s nice. Bob kills these people on the steppers. Elizabeth wheezes and we are tortured by another unbearable scene of Bob coaching her through this asthma or anxiety or whatever kind of attack it is.
At the weigh-in, an ominous darkened profile of Ali Sweeney welcomes us to another week of lame excuses and whimpering and the occasional fist pump. She frames the game again as a battle of the sexes, nodding her prom hair and wiggly Valley Girl earrings. She notes that next week is makeover week, so if you’re not the sucka eliminated tonight you will get some spiffing up for real.
Mark loses eight pounds, going from 317 to 309. He’ll take it, he says, plus he gets the extra pound.
Patrick loses 10 pounds, going from 311 to 301. Ten pounds is what really matters to him. When he met his wife he weighed 315, so he’s a new man to her and her family. I’m pleased to hear Patrick say something that doesn’t involve Brendan and Frado, honestly. I am also pleased that someone might shave him during makeover week.
Frado says that he’s excited. He can lose 100 pounds tonight, and he does, going down nine, from 276 to 267 — nine pounds. He’s tried to lose weight many times, and it’s never worked for him. Now he has motivation. He did it for his family, he did it for himself, and now he can take care of them again. He can make it to the finals and run part of that marathon with his daughter. Jillian says he’s unstoppable. He’s a rock star, and they all love him.
Brendan’s not nervous, not because he’s worked out super hard but because he’s made his alliances and whatever happens happens. That’s some major commitment to self-improvement right there! Regardless, he lost eight pounds, going from 280 to 272. Elizabeth lost four pounds, going from 205 to 201. Jessica lost a measly pound, going from 228 to 227. She cries. She learned that she can’t depend on other people — she’d depended on Jesse and with him gone she lost her motivation. I fear this is the end of the line for Jessica.
Lisa loses six pounds, going from 234 to 228. This is the first time she’s been above the yellow line individually. Lisa has not mentioned going home once, this week, so she is less annoying than usual. Bob says the video situation stressed Ada and that can be a weight loss killer. Whatever, man. She can beat you and me and everyone else, bring it on — she loses eight pounds, going from 198 to 190. She’s so psyched to be there for makeover week. She’s a girly girl and loves to get dolled up. Who knew?
Jillian loves Ada, she says. She took something that would have crushed a lesser person and channeled it into herself, kicked ass, lost eight pounds and that’s why they loved her. She’s in a process of proving to herself that she’s good enough, no matter what her parents say.
Elixabeth and Jessica are below the yellow line. Jess will go home because lame-ass Elizabeth still has more allies, for no discernible reason.
In the elimination room, Boston Brendan says that he doesn’t hate Jessica, but he’s voting for her anyway. I wonder about a person who drops the h-bomb right out of the gate. Frado will never vote for Elizabeth, he says. She’s shown she wants to be here. She’s dedicated and entitled to another shot. Lisa is close to Elizabeth, so she has to vote for Jessica too. Three votes is enough, Ali Sweeney’s, and Jessica is not the biggest loser.
It’s all good, Jessica says. She came here to learn, to figure out what was going on in her head, and she accomplished that. Elizabeth says pointless things about not having doubts about Jessica, which, sorry lady, you are the last person who I’d go to for validation. Ali says again that Jessica is not the biggest loser, like she needs to hear it again, and her little fridge light goes out.
Twenty-four hours later she’s back in Tucson. She missed makeover week so on her way home she’s going to stop and get her hair and makeup did. I think she looked way better before she chopped some of her hair off and dyed it way too dark but whatever. Not my hair. She goes home and tearfully addresses a massive group of people in someone’s backyard. Jessica’s mother’s name is Taffy and this makes me want taffy and also laugh (y) a little. Jessica tells her crew that she has learned she needs to stand on her own, and not depend on her mom and other people to take care of her and push her to succeed. She actually makes me cry at the end. None of those other jokers besides Ada will ever make me cry at the end, so, win.
Fast forward to now and Jessica weighs 200 pounds. She’s hanging with the mayor of Tuscon and the director of the YMCA. She wants to help Tucson kids, promoting activity and healthy food choices. She hopes to lose 40 more before the finale.
This show feels like eternity, but it’s finally over, until next week when we get to see the Seven Biggest Loser Dwarfs get all prettied up to greet their family members. I can totally wait an entire week for this, possibly longer.