Let’s be honest here: I’m a spectacular catch. Really. I’m handsome charming intelligent kind to children and animals sexy as all get-out and able to carry heavy things… what more could any woman ask for? And yet: with startling regularity, as my wife and I flip through our bizillion channels of HD cable each evening, we find ourselves face-to-ruggedly-chiseled-face with any number of Daniel Day-Lewis characters — and somehow, despite the limitations of time, space and that whole troublesome “they’re only fictional characters” thing, it’s clear that she somehow finds (some of) them preferable to me.
I know! I know! It’s crazy talk. What does he have that I don’t? Besides, y’know, Oscars and millions of dollars and talent and… um… never mind. Anyhow: she’ll deny it, but here’s a Top Five of DDL-dudes who I’m pretty sure she’d rather be hitched to than me.
5. Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood
First off, an admission: I’m one of the handful of people in America who’s sat through this entire movie and hated virtually every minute of it. Secondly, An acknowledgment: Daniel Plainview is not an attractive man, at least not in any traditional sense. He’s kind of self-absorbed. And murderous. And given to long, awkward metaphors about drinking other people’s milkshakes. So: maybe he’s not perfect. Fine. But can we imagine the glass half-full for a moment? He’s ambitious. He’s strategic. He’s successful, and entirely self-made in that success. And he’s got a house with a fucking bowling alley.
I’m ambitious. I’m strategic. I’m more or less self-made, although the value of what I’ve actually made is entirely debatable. But do I have a bowling alley? No. And my wife knows: I never will.
/fail
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDLvSh31huE[/youtube]
4. Danny Flynn from The Boxer
Most people don’t think of The Boxer as a romance. But at heart… it is. Yes, it’s a political story. Yes, it’s a character study. But the relationship between DDL and Emily Watson is the film’s core — as the scene above makes clear. Not shown in this clip but relevant to this conversation: DDL showing off his lean, muscular boxer’s physique.
NOT FAIR.
3. Newland Archer from The Age of Innocence
The most boring movie ever by Martin Scorsese? Well… yes. It’s all exquisitely filmed and flawlessly acted and stately and graceful and imbued with grand emotion boiled down to nuance and subtlety and…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Whatever. My feelings about this film are irrelevant. D’you know what’s relevant? Daniel Day-Lewis all scrubbed up and closely-shaven and wearing fine-cut suits and looking clean enough to eat off of. This is the antithesis of slimy nasty DDL of Gangs of New York, which is an infinitely more fun Scorsese movie (in spite of the impossibly annoying presence of Cameron Diaz as the world’s least filthy 19th-century urban grifter/whore) featuring DDL at his scene-chewing best… although you kinda spend half the movie hoping that somebody’ll just hose him down so he’ll stop looking so skeezy. Better movie; less attractive Daniel Day-Lewis. My wife’s vote: clean-cut DDL wins.
2. Tomas from The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Daniel Day Lewis oozes sex in The Unbearable Lightness of Being. I get that. He’s a sex-oozing brain surgeon. Granted, he screws everything that moves… but if you were a sex-oozing brain surgeon, wouldn’t you? There’s some other stuff about Russian Tanks rolling through Prague and sexual politics and blah blah blah… but ultimately, it all comes down to DDL/Tomas being so impossibly irresistible that no woman in Europe (or, apparently, in my living room) can withstand the onslaught of his seething sexual chemistry.
1. Hawkeye from Last of the Mohicans
Yeah… this one’s a gimme. Even I can’t argue with this. The whole damn film is a hardcore, epic romance wrapped up with war and manliness and gorgeous scenery and a heartstopping soundtrack and great acting and the impossibly beautiful Madeleine Stowe and a serious badass bad guy (Magua! Damn, I love me some Magua.) and lots and lots and lots of scenes of Daniel Day-Lewis running at top speed with his long, dark hair streaming behind him and he’s looking real serious like he’s about to kill some bad guys or read some poetry or make sweet, sweet love to all you women out there… and when he does speak, he’s saying things like “I WILL FIND YOU!” or “MY DEATH IS A GREAT HONOR TO THE HURON!” or “TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY!” I can’t contend with that. No man can contend with that. It’s not even remotely fair.
::shaking fist::
Damn you, Daniel Day-Lewis. Damn you.
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