More than twelve weeks have gone by. Yes, you read that correctly. Twelve. Motherfucking. Weeks. And here we are, yet again, sitting in front of the television once more. I have finely tuned my 50 inch plasma to pick up the CW in HD. I need to be blown away by marginal beauty. I need to have my breath taken away once more by pasty, gangly ladies of disproportion. You see, tonight isn’t just any ordinary night. No, no. It’s something way more fierce. It’s definitely more fabulous than your regular Wednesday night. It’s America’s Next Top Model night. And? IT”S THE MOTHERFUCKING FINALE, Y’ALL! So, who ran away with the trophy for America’s Next Top Drag Queen Model? No, really? I’m asking!
As usual, this week’s episode opens up with the remaining two models talking about themselves. Chelsea blabs about wanting to be a supermodel since she was the ripe old age of three. Really? You can remember what you wanted to do when you were three years old? That’s impressive. I can’t even remember what the fuck I ate for dinner tonight. And that was less than three hours ago. Ann is so proud of herself for a bunch of things including graduating high school. Really. She mentioned graduating high school as one of her biggest accomplishments. Girl needs to get out a little bit more, me thinks. Both of the girls begin to cry for the camera. WTF, ladies? What’s with all the waterworks? Grow a pair! This is the finale! You better not let Tyra see you cry. She feeds on little crying souls. You know this!
A little side note for all of you reading this: I watched this entire episode completely sober. Apparently, the ANTM gods knew how to really fuck with me. They gave my brain a raging case of the herpes and took all my alcohol away. Okay, that may be stretching the truth. Really, I wasn’t feeling so hot, so I decided to skip my normal alcohol and narcotic concoction that usually helps me get through this hot mess of a show. Let me just tell you something. THAT WAS A HUGE MISTAKE.
Anyway, Chelsea and Ann meet some Italian lady out in the wilderness. The lady is from Vogue Italia and of course, she has some random photographer with a silly accent in tow. “To hair and makeup!”, she proclaims. Without hesitation and with a certain degree of magic, the finest team of makeup artists and stylists jump out of the bushes and throw themselves at the models like a couple of douchebags at a seedy club. In an instant, they were ready for the shoot. The shoot itself was pretty laid back and mundane. Your average “I’m in a field smelling flowers” type of model shoot. Ann actually looked semi-good for once. Her makeup was soft and she didn’t look as gawky as usual. Chelsea looked really good as well. Nothing really jumped out at me as particularly odd or awesome. All and all, a complete snoozefest. Yawn. Sleepy. Bored. Antsy.
Finally, one of the moments of the season I have been waiting for. The Cover Girl commercial shoot! Why have I been looking forward to this shit all season? Simple. I wanted to see Ann in a speaking role! I wanted dearly to watch her deliver her memorized lines under the pressure of the lights and camera. But once again, Tyra stole what was rightfully mine. They would not be memorizing lines this season. Nope. In attempt to “upgrade” the girls were going to shoot the commercial together and then do voice-overs to complete their lines. Hold the fuckity phone. Was Tyra throwing the competition in Ann’s lap here? We ALL know that there would be no way in hell Ann could handle shooting a real commercial. Chelsea would have stomped a mudhole in her ass if they actually had to do the commercial the way that EVERY OTHER SEASON HAD TO DO. I’m on to you Tyra. You aren’t as clever as you think you are. Since Tyra and the producers took the speaking portion out of the commercial shoot, I almost fell asleep. Seriously. The most exciting thing they did on the commercial shoot was eat some gelato. Watching this show sober is a complete and utter hazard to my health. You know what I did learn about? Lash Blast Fusion. Can we say “product placement”?
Watching these two twelve year old boys ladies model makes me wish Esther and her glorious boobs would reappear and give me hope again. Once again, my hopes and dreams were yanked from me like a purse snatcher from the streets of Harlem. Instead, Tyra thought she would throw the models a bone and prove to them that shit isn’t 100% robotic by bringing their families to the set. Chelsea and Ann’s parental units were allowed to watch them get their “beauty shots” done. I am convinced that “beauty shot” is nothing more than a glorified Glamour Shot. And of course, these shots were performed by another photographer with a super silly accent. Seriously, Tyra. Call me. I am a photographer. I DON’T have a silly accent. Okay, unless you count my Midwestern accent. But I assure you, without a doubt, you will be able to understand me when I speak. We could work together. I’m telling you, it would be magical. I am talking unicorns AND glitter magical. After the beauty shot session was complete, Mr. Jay grabs the girls and readies them for their voice-over session. Each girl was given her lines and instructed to speak into the microphone in front of them. Wow. Just wow. Both of the girls sounded more robotic and cold as C-3PO fucking a trash can. Watching them attempt to form actual words made up a little bit for the fact that they didn’t have to speak while filming. Not much. Just a little.
You know what’s coming up, right? The final walk off! Before Chelsea and Ann head off to that final catwalk in the sky, they have a meeting to attend to. A Mr. Ivan Bart is waiting for them. Who is Ivan Bart, you ask? Mr. Bart is the head bitch in charge over at IMG. According to him, he runs that piece. He wants to “meet” with Chelsea and Ann individually to assess their model capabilities firsthand. Yeah, I’ve seen this movie before. Bow-chicka-bow-wow! Without much fanfare, Ivan eyeballs the two and sends them on their merry ways. To the catwalk, bitches!
The final runway show is about go down like Chinatown, folks. To sweeten the deal, the one and only Roberto Cavalli has graciously allowed Tyra to pimp his “Just Cavalli” line on the bodies of her ANTM drones. To make the walking of the cat even better, Tyra has invited some of the not so top models to come back and walk in the show side by side with Chelsea and Ann. With each one sporting a “it shoulda been me” look on their face, Liz (the tranny one), Chris, Jane, and Kayla all reappear for their last 15 seconds of fame. And by “fame” I mean, “who are them dudes, again?” But Tyra wasn’t done there. Nope. She had an extra special surprise. Who could it be? It’s Krista! You know, Cycle 14′s topest model of them all! Yeah. I know what you are thinking. I was totally thinking it too. Where the fuck has this girl been? I thought you were supposed to be supermodel status by now. I don’t even think you have made it to your first Kohl’s spread yet. But you keep trying, Krista! Live the dream! Once again, the runway show was boring as all hell. Chelsea seemed to grasp the concept of walking. Ann seemed to look like she was a deer stuck on the highway with a semi coming straight at her. No surprises here. Pretty much par for the course if you ask me. Now on to the final elimination!
Mr. Jay and Roberto Cavalli join the panel for the final elimination. This made it extra special, well, because, um. Aw, fuck it. Because them motherfuckers are all kinds of fancy! That’s why. Anyway, Andre Leon Talley glitters and shimmers as usual. I wonder how he finds his size in smocks at Chicos. Do they have a Chicos Big and Tall store out there? Tyra has saved her best lycra for last. She actually looks pretty good but also pretty stuffed like a sausage in that dress. Chelsea and Ann get to sit through their final cut of the Cover Girl commercial they shot. As usual, it was just wow. Like really wow. Like are you serious? I would never buy anything from a commercial with that type of production quality. I’ve seen phone sex line commercials that were more convincing. All this yammering is just holding up the fact that only one of the remaining models can be top dog. Who is it going to be? Oh. The. Suspense. Is. Killing. Me. Aw, who am I kidding? We all know who is going to win this “competition”. Yep. You guessed it. Ann! The chosen one has captured the best and most awesomest modeling prize in all the land. Ann is America’s Next Top Model!
So, who was shocked? Anyone? Anyone? Yeah. I am willing to be that nobody was shocked when Ann’s name was called. I mean, nobody except for Chelsea. Poor girl. She really thought she was going to win this thing. Really, she never really had a chance. Okay, show of hands (or comments). Who is going to watch the next cycle with me? Come on, folks! I can’t do this alone!
Oh! By the way! Do you remember that little Windows 7 Phone Giveaway? It’s time to announce the winner! A big congrats to Sarah for snagging herself an awesome new Windows Phone! And a big shout out to Microsoft for making this giveaway a possibility in the first place. Thanks to all the commented on and read the post. I loved reading every single comment even if it only said “need new phone”.
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