This time of year, I get a sheaf of catalogs in the mail nearly every day. I’m on a bit of a spending freeze at the moment, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy them—I can and do. I settle in on the couch with the latest batch and a mug of tea, and I laugh my fool head off.
The Urban Outfitters catalog just might cause poor Tyra Banks to stroke out in a fit of rage. For one thing, no Urban Outfitters model has ever smiled with her eyes. For another, while Tyra asserts that a model’s job is to make the clothes look attractive, Urban Outfitters operates within a different paradigm entirely:
This poor girl staggers drunkenly through page upon page of the holiday issue. Alas, hers is a cautionary tale, as she eventually wakes up god knows where and is unable to find her top, forced to shamble home in a see-through sweater, pausing occasionally to hurl into a garbage can.
Missing garments are a motif running throughout the UO collection, as below, where Lauren would simply like that man to return her pants, thank you very much. The stairs are dirty.
Garnet Hill is usually boring, in that people are generally wearing appropriate outfits in appropriate places and don’t appear to be either intoxicated or engaged in sinister pants stand-offs. Alas:
“Huh. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve forgotten something. Skis, poles—no, I seem to have everything I need. Gee, it’s cold!”
Nordstrom wasn’t bad this year, with the exception of whatever this woman is doing (Tai Chi? Combining her love for National Parks with the Macarena?):
…Or so I thought, until I got their most recent offering and saw the spread below:
“All right, kids, let’s line you up, alternating according to skin color. Black, white, black, white…and just put the little one at the end. I think he’s Latino.”
But my perennial favorite, the one catalog I look forward to each year with immoderate glee, is the Neiman Marcus Christmas Book. And not just because of the velvet couches dropped inexplicably onto windswept prairies, or tableaux like this one:
No, what makes Neiman Marcus so special is that they are willing and eager to suspend reality entirely, perhaps figuring that if YOU are willing to forego reason long enough to buy a $200,000 charm bracelet, why shouldn’t they get in on the fun?
Which is how we come to see women competing in dance-offs with tiny dinosaurs:
And this holiday season, we take a peek into the minds of wealthy animal lovers…
“Some might say it’s impractical to carry a parrot while wearing an $1800 dress. But that’s why I’m wearing it off the shoulder. Guano stains terribly, you know.”
The woman below especially fascinates me.
“Oh, these small-minded fools will never understand our love, Bongo. But I won’t let them tear us apart!”
(I’m pretty sure she just heard her husband’s key in the door…)
About Alexa Stevenson
