Guess Who’s Pregnant Again? Teen Mom’s Amber Portwood, That’s Who

12/15/2010 by

amber portwood teen mom Guess Who’s Pregnant Again? Teen Mom’s Amber Portwood, That’s Who

Just when I think the universe has given up on surprising me, I see this little nugget of beautiful information this morning while trolling the internets. According to reports, “Teen Mom” (I had to put that in quotes because Ms. Thang is actually 20 years old now) Amber Portwood has gone and did it again. Why are you looking all kinds of shit puzzled? Do I need to spell it out? Homegirl is all sorts of knocked up again! Not only is she pregnant, she may need to get Montell or Maury involved.

Apparently, the baby daddy could be not one, not two, but any of three different suitors. Hey, don’t look at me. I can assure you the baby is totally not mine. I am not responsible for this one. If I even so much as see Maury Povich on my caller ID, I will pack up my shit and head for Mexico. Really, that should be your first reaction if you EVER see that name calling you. Never, ever answer that call. Hold out for Oprah instead.

Teen Mom Amber Portwood assaults fiance Gary Shirley Guess Who’s Pregnant Again? Teen Mom’s Amber Portwood, That’s Who

Okay, I just had to put up that picture of her getting ready to take a swing at one of her menfolk, Gary. I don’t know how she has time for unprotected sex when she is so busy kicking ass. Really, it perplexes me. Anyway, me thinks that Ms. Amber and her boy toys need a lesson on how babies are made. Maybe I will get them all together, show them what condoms and various contraception are, draw some pictures, hand them some Four Loko, and let them have at it like caged animals. What? Don’t look at me like that. I know you were thinking the same thing! Everybody say it with me now! No glove, no love!

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About TJ Johnson

In his spare time, TJ likes to talk to Mark Wahlberg and random farm animals. When that doesn't occur, you can catch him blogging and abusing Twitter like it owes him money.


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Filed Under: Best Of Featured, Best Of MamaPop, Douchebags, Fail, Gossip, Reality TV, Television, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, TV Tagged With: Amber Portwood, Birth Control, Condoms, Domestic Assault, Four Loko, Gary Shirley, Maury Povich, Montell Williams, MTV, Oprah, Teen Mom, teen pregnancy, teens, Unprotected Sex
  • http://heymrswilson.net Mrs. Wilson

    That is just disturbing. And so, so wrong. That poor child.

  • http://www.jurgennation.com Jurgen Nation

    Sweet Unmerciful Chribuddha. This bitch should be barred from spawning.

    EVIL SEED!! EVIL SEED!!!!

    • meda wow

      haha you are soooo totally correct on this one thats for damn sure. her first child was enought yet she doesnt know how to keep her legs closed… hmm… i think she needs a longer talk with dr. drew on how babies are made and sex….

  • Beckie

    Don’t be silly – wrap your willy!

    This isn’t exactly a big surprise – considering that she showed up at one of the reunions having just had a pregnancy scare. I wonder if MTV will make a special DNA test series for her. “True Life: I Dunno Who My Baby Daddy Is” with special guest producer Maury Povich!

  • Queen Anne

    ” I don’t know how she has time for unprotected sex when she is so busy kicking ass. ”

    hahaha.

    but so sad for her babies.

    just saw that CVS sells a paternity test for $19.99! WTF? they’re gonna put maury out of business with those rates! i like that it is locked up in the same section as the condoms, preg tests, and special lubes… so that you can ask for the pharmacist to unlock the whole shebang at once! I know where I’ll be buying my secret santa gifts now!

    • http://studioeightonesix.wordpress.com TJ Johnson

      Really? A paternity test for $19.99?? How. Beyond. Awesome.

      • Natalie

        I only know this because I was bored waiting for a prescription to be filled at walgreens…you buy the test for 19.99, but then you put the dna samples in the little tubes and fill out the forms and send it, along with a payment for 129.99 to the lab indicated on the forms in the box, you have to wait like 6 to 8 weeks.

    • http://yezelbelle.wordpress.com/ Yezelbelle

      Amber’s Xmas gift could get rather expensive…

      You are not the father…You are not the father…You are not the father…and so on and so forth.

  • http://txtingmrdarcy.wordpress.com Txtingmrdarcy

    Two words Amber: BIRTH CONTROL. Git some.

  • http://heidishellhole.weebly.com Heidi

    Seriously, somebody do me a favor and castrate her.

  • Suzy Q

    Some people need to be sterilized, for the good of all man- and womankind. She’ll be a grandma by age 35, for sure.

  • http://www.twitter.com/apocalypseher Siobhan

    Like one kid at 20 isn’t hard enough…

    Do they get paid to appear on Teen Mom? I know that may sound like a stupid question, but I hate to think that this show will help her to afford to bring another child into this world. This woman is clearly not ready to have more babies.

    • Shannon

      They did indeed get paid for “Teen Mom.” And for the countless magazine covers. Luckily (I mean, I guess), she will not be appearing on the next season of “Teen Mom” — that season will have a whole fresh cast of stupid people for us to feel superior to.

      And I do. Feel superior, that is.

      Except, I kind of just admitted to watching “Teen Mom,” didn’t I? Oh well.

  • http://www.meangirlgarage.com jules

    You say, “any of three different suitors” like it’s a bad thing……

  • http://www.didactic-pirate.blogspot.com Didactic Pirate

    Good God, does that chick ever wear her Crazy on the outside.

    • Erin

      omg. this saying cracked me up! She wears her Crazy on the outside hahaha. good one.

  • http://kate-my-mind.blogspot.com Kate

    Gah. One more reason it’s a bad idea to make TV stars (“stars”) out of ignorant teenage girls. And I’m not just saying that bc Teen Moms wasn’t on when I was a stupid (but not ignorant), pregnant 19 year old.

  • http://raisingzoeyjane.com Zoeyjane

    And let this be a lesson to us all. Double-up, when you’re in a foursome.

  • http://southcityconfidential.com KBO

    Depo shot for this one, please.

  • http://byflutter.com flutter

    Can we just scour out her girly bits to keep this from happening in the future?

  • ozma

    This is interesting. I’ve never watched this show but that guy looks genuinely terrified. But he’s so much bigger than her. She needs to make a DVD or something as she must have *some* kind of ass kicking talent.

  • http://khebert.blogspot.com Kyla

    Well, she got money and fame from doing it once…why not do it again? Babies make awesome television props! As long as we reward stupidity, it just gives them more incentive to keep it up.

  • Erin

    I’m not that shocked about this happening. I feel as if the other moms are trying to better their situation. Amber however has always been a trainwreck…she doesn’t even have the ‘time’ to get her GED. I really hope Gary gets a full time job and takes Leah. As for this other baby hopefully she’ll straighten up and be a better mom and person. I mean we all fantasize about punching our husbands/significant others in the head but we don’t actually do it!!! Also hope MTV won’t show this anymore.

  • Luz Collazos

    Amber my sincere advise to you is to get out of that reality show as soon as possible, get some professional advice, then write a book about how you overcome all your issues, get an interview and charge big bucks in other words- make the money from the ones that are destroying you and then run with it far away from them!! and enjoy it with your kids and Gary, if you decide to stay with him, which I feel from all the other guys you have choose, he is the more fit! You are a beautiful and your daughter is so cute that I am afraid she will be affected by your actions later on!! Please get help!!!