My love of reality television is no secret. But I was ever so pleased to see that one of my favorite shows, Tabatha’s Salon Takeover, was back for another season. For those not in the know, Tabatha Coffey was the runner up (but real star) of the first season of Bravo’s Shear Genius, the hair stylist reality show. She’s a bleach blond hard as nails woman, she’s got an iron fist, and she’s scary as all get out. She’s the perfect person to go into failing salons and set everyone right (or fire them, as the case may be) because they’re idiots who don’t know how to run a business. Tabatha’s the anti-Real Housewife. She has no family or friends that we know of, no flashy diamonds, no entitled attitude. She lives and breathes hair-styling, and her show is of the awesome, especially her massive smackdowns of moronic hairdressers or more commonly OWNERS who think they can charm her. You can’t charm Tabatha. She’s a cyborg.
As I was greedily watching Tabatha rail yet another salon owner for being a complete idiot, I thought of my other favorite hard-ass woman on the television, our own beloved Judge Judy. Everyone knows Judge Judy, right? Of course you do. Judge Judy also pities no fools, and tolerates no jibba-jabba, and goddy help you if you show up to her courtroom in shorts. But in a cage-match, who would win, Tabatha or Judy?
Round 1: Appearance. Judy is a tough cookie, but she looks like your Auntie. Her looks are deceivingly soft, until she opens her mouth and her brash Brooklynese comes out. Tabatha, on the other hand, is, to put it lightly, ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING to look at. Her face is all squinty and her hair is too blond, and I honestly think she could unhinge her strong jaw and swallow you whole if she so chose to.
Round 2: Demeanor. Judge Judy is…how do I say this delicately? Shouty. Judy is very, very shouty. If you interrupt her or your grammar is not pristine, she’ll shriek insults at you, which, while INCREDIBLY AMUSING to the viewer, probably has made more than one defendant poop his or her pants in fear. Tabatha deals with people who aren’t as bottom of the barrel as Judy does – USUALLY – but her Terminator-like dead calm gives me shivers even now, and the show isn’t even on at the moment. In this case, less is more.
Round Three: Scrappiness. Tabatha’s a distinguished Aussie who never smiles. Judy is a rough around the edges Brooklyn girl who chills with Babs Walters and calls grown men idiots with a glee usually reserved for small schoolgirls. Judy will shank you, and she’ll carve her own shiv. Tabatha will emotionally destroy everything you love, but I doubt she has much street-fighting experience. In sheer tough-as-balls-ness? Tabby doesn’t have a chance.
So what do you think? Judy or Tabs? Tabs is younger (I think, I have no clue as to how old the woman is, and I ain’t asking) but Judy has better credentials and the whole Brooklyn thing on her side. I call this one in favor of Judy, cause I bet she knows seven ways to kill a person using a pen, whereas Tabatha will land you in the psych ward for depression, but won’t cause permanent physical damage.
What do you think? Judes or Tabs?