It’s hard to believe that we are almost upon another season of The Bachelor, and harder still to believe that we’ve endured – nay, SURVIVED The Bachelor, The Bachelorette AND The geedee Bachelor Pad this year. Where has the time gone? Right down the damn toilet, is where. So let’s look back on some of the most preposterous shit ABC threw at us this year before we embark on a new season of torture, shall we?
5. Corrie’s A Virgin, The Bachelor: Oh Jakey. We diagnosed Jakey as a masochist early on, as we saw him give himself blue balls OVER AND OVER, but nothing compared to the episode wherein Corrie (who? Exactly) confided in Jakey that she had never done the horizontal mambo. Jake’s eyes went wide with triumph as Corrie confessed, and you could see visions of ball gags and cockrings dancing in his head. Nothing could be better for someone who loved sexual torture than a virgin, right? Well, wrong. Jakey ditched the virgin later that night for the whore Vienna. Aaaand we all know how well THAT worked out.
4. The Douchelor Gets Married In a Monsoon: The Douchelor, or “Jason” as I’m told he is referred to, was our nutbag from last year, who famously ditched Melissa for Molly after the final rose ceremony. Anyway, Jason and Molly got married and of COURSE ABC was right there taping the whole damn thing, and it sucked and was lame and I hate these people, but then! The gods listened to our pleas for something, anything terrible to happen to these terrible people, and whipped the weather into a tizzy, pouring rain and howling wind all over the place, practically blowing Molly over during their soaking wet and yelled vows and the whole thing was utterly ridic and hilarious. Thank you, Mother Nature, for that. We owe ya one.
3. Vienna’s A “Supportive Partner” During Dancing With The Stars: Oh Vienna. Subtlety was never one of your strong points, and when you were always in the front row of DWTS watching your beloved Jake clobber the fine art of ballroom dancing, you always brought your best bitchface. You forgot, obviously during the seventeen seconds you weren’t on a reality show this year that the cameras are ALWAYS WATCHING, and seeing you do your best impression of a vulture stalking a wounded gazelle every time the camera panned to you gave me a warm fuzzy in my tummy. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, that Vienna. Deeeeeeeee-lightful.
2. Justin Gets Busted, The Bachelorette: In what had to have been the greatest episode ever, Justin or “Rated R” the wrestler gets completely busted by his girlfriend and her friend Jessie, who was on Ali’s season of The Bachelor. Jessie knew the girlfriend because they’re both from Canada and everyone knows each other there, and the girlfriend spills to Ali over the phone that Justin was just doing the show to get “discovered” and the girlfriend had a zillion voicemails from him whimpering about how much he loves her and that as soon as he made the final three, he’d be set for life and he and the girlfriend could have a bee-you-ti-ful life together. I thought Ali would lose her damn mind, but chicky grew a pair of brass ones and chased Justin all over Istanbul railing against him and his philandering ways. It was a great moment for Ali, and the wrestler ended up looking like a complete chump, so really we ALL won in that situation.
1. Jake and Vienna Lose Their Damn Minds: Listen. We all knew Jake and Vienna were doomed, that they’d never stay together, and their breakup would be dramatic. What we DIDN’T know was that they’d completely melt down on national television and scream and yell and cry and Jake would go totally batshit and do everything but openly threaten Vienna’s safety onscreen in front of millions of people. It was so uncomfortable that I squirm STILL when I think about it, and it of course made for amazing television. We haven’t heard from Jakey or Vienna since, so let’s hope that someone pushed both of them into an active volcano, and we never have to hear from them again.
Well! That’s about it from me, I hope everyone has a great holiday and a rockin’ new year. I’ll be here January 3rd, eagerly awaiting the next nightmarish chapter of The Bachelor.
Also, be sure to check out my favorite MamaPop article of the year, from the always dapper The Palinode, as he dissects the worst regional accents done Hollywood style. It’ll make you cry-laff.
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